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I think I died when I was 17
The doors we walk through in life are fun house scary at times. When I was 17 I learned exactly how much others hate fat people within 6 months. Arrows of ignorance hit my head and pierced my thinking processes forevermore. I can still paint from these scars in my own blood for all eternity.
Recently I thought to myself " Here it is , another fun house door with unexpected and unpleasant surprises" . I am standing on the threshold of other peoples opinions. I have two rooms on either side of me. One is filled with fat admirers and the "other people" who think I am a freak who has to fix myself. There is no in between.
From the protective coating of being with an FA into the judgemental world in one fell swoop. Now in the late 80s I had the experience of being average sized to fat very quickly and walking through that door was an eyeopener. This was the same in a different sense. I was already fat going from being borderline ssbbw and "admired" to fat and gross...
I just got out of a long relationship with an FA. ( Fat Admirer). There was only admiration of my curves and size. The bigger the better , the more jiggly the flesh the wider the smile.
Now as a single woman I see the parallel lines of acceptance or rejection. As if I am some sitting duck for peoples opinions. Reminded me of that night in the 90s when I found myself crying. I was product of a rumor and thus warned I'd be rejected from someone I didn't even want . I guess someone thought it would be funny to burden the cool guy with a tale about the fatso having a huge crush on him. In actuality I didn't like him at all which made it all the more frustrating. I was being rejected by someone I wouldn't have kissed for a million bucks! But somehow knowing and hearing this statement " No offense but he doesn't like fat chicks" didn't sit well with me . I sat and cried humiliated as my thin beautiful friend shot him a nasty look and tried to comfort me.
I already knew I was unwanted because of my size by then. This was before any noticeable size acceptance movement was around. This was before it became more mainstream even if now considered a fetish by many. This was when fat admirers stayed in the closet and never admitted it.
So as a woman I am either someones fetish or nightmare? How someone views my size gives me worth from diamonds to dust. I died when I was 17 , I died when I gained the weight initially... because I ceased to be a person from that moment on. I am either a turn on and someones sexual fantasy or I am a freak that needs to be fixed. When all I want to be is loved. I never cared what a man looked like , it's the inside that counts. But when it comes to me it is every pound on or off.
Now visually this entails everything from personal preferences to prejudices. But also conditioning and upbringing. If a man was brought up to believe certain misconceptions is he a bad man or just misguided?! Where does the line get drawn from ignorance to cruelty when it comes to these opinions of me? Am I wrong to be simply exhausted on the whole thing?
I don't want to be accepted or rejected . I just want to be seen and known as a human being. I don't want to be big or small, I just want to be me. Knowing I am not good enough is a sharp nail through my vocal chords. I clutch my mutilated heart and see too much. It is lonely here in this flesh casing with the windows onlooking the sneers or smiles. The barrier to my heart.

What every woman should say to a critical partner or potential suiter. No one should feel less than due to someones ignorance. #sizeactivism #artjournaling #artjournalpages #fatactivism #attitude #powerfulwords #fat #bbw

 I have been so aggravated with people lately and some of the things I see online. I had to get it out. here is a mixed media art journaling piece I made. My rage page doesn't cover it all but maybe ... just maybe it will get someone reading...
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