Sometimes I just don't have physical energy to accomplish much even though under lockdown I do have the time to complete projects. I find myself wasting time or poking around the internet after Netflix flatlines my adrenaline.
So I downloaded Tik Tok.. After all what is the buzz all about? I see many video clips of young ladies dancing and singing , celebrating themselves which I loved. Then there was the darker side Trans or gay teens not being accepted by their family, of ladies suffering with PCOS , defending themselves for not being thin. There are many videos about bullying. People just fighting for their right to "exist".
Sad that for the these teens that Fat and Ugly are often still synonymous. And I thought to myself I'd most likely have to add a hashtag #oldergenerationtiktok or something similar to anything I post.
So now that I am almost out of my 40's.. there is a new one added to my bad days , gremlins filled, low self esteem trick bag.
Old and Ugly. That is often synonymous to many people also.
What connects all of this nonsense?! FEAR?! Change? Lack of control? Imagined expectations.
While I have seasoned my fat girl emotions. The aging thing is peeking in on me. I will be 50 in December , some will say I still have my youth , the younger generation will think I am ancient. I don't know where 50 leaves me honestly. I suppose it depends on how long this journey here on earth is going to last for me this time around. I may have only one more chapter left or maybe 2. Only time will tell.
But honestly no one ever knows how long we are going to be here. Why we need to cherish every day, tell people we love them while we still can . Show our affections and share our stories to benefit others. I plan on sharing some stories eventually , it scares me, I don't want to look foolish , I know people will judge or leave hater comments at some point but that doesn't matter if I help even one young lady.
I suppose I'll go down my reasoning check list about aging as I did with the weight.
1. Does it make me less of a person. No.
2. Do I have less to offer others? No.
3. Is it merely opinion and or fear? Yes
And so on. The fear of fat is fear of death ( because of the health scares and stereotypes). And Aging is just more fear , that one simply can't be attractive or healthy anymore etc. Many older folk are in great shape. And beauty is in the eye in the beholder. I see beauty everywhere not only in youth. I can see the story of someone's life in the lines of their face like natures poetry and find it glorious and elegant. I love silvery locks of hair as it glistens in the sun.
Most of all I love a good story! I soak in webs of words as if it were the skin lotion of the universe. I want to go where I haven't been before through someone else's eyes. This gives it an authenticity and inspiration I could never read about otherwise. I often find others stories exhilarating. If you travelled the world or went to CBGB's back in the day tell me all about it , lets sit down for a cup of coffee for a few hours and bond. Bring it all back to life for me I'll be ever so grateful.
But true to form I am my own worst enemy . I find myself looking in the mirror wondering how much laundry I can fit into the bags under my eyes. I pull my skin back and see the aging threatening to come to the surface, I count the scars on my chin from PCOS acne. I see wrinkles and dark circles under my eyes. My back isn't what it used to be. And I know healthcare won't ever save me.
So as I try to adjust to my new check box of 50 years old and over .. please love yourselves . Be healthy , pinch an inch ( or not) , let the silver in your hair glow like a halo for all you have to offer the world in your gathered wisdom. And Remember we all have worth, we are all here for a specific purpose. There is NO Old and ugly or fat and ugly some bully made it all up one day. In a time of supposed political correctness the age and size isms slip under the door. Maybe it is simply because in the feared rejection they make some serious money off of these ideas selling endless products and services. Maybe it goes much deeper. Either way we ALL have something to offer. We should never feel like we have to fight criticism or ourselves to offer what we have to the world. Shake your talent booty!
I now worry about how I will even take care of myself in the future. But it is all fear based. I could get lucky and slip on a rainbow, life is unpredictable like that.
#tiktok #blogging #bloggers #PCOS #pcosawareness #nobullying #bullyingsucks #agism #sizism #weightissues #writers #essays #
