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Night Sky 2019 Written by me Cyni Poeti
If I were your diamond
I'd pull the string that held my wounded heart together
Toppling the blood crystals down your back
My lips leaving a red lipsticked smear of admission
onto your pale storybook forehead
You could sleep to the rhythm of this crippling emotion
The gift of your breath would run down the back of my neck
Until we fused into one sparkling star
One bloody imperfect incomplete shining light.

 #poems #lovepoems #cynipoeti #writing #words

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I think I died when I was 17
The doors we walk through in life are fun house scary at times. When I was 17 I learned exactly how much others hate fat people within 6 months. Arrows of ignorance hit my head and pierced my thinking processes forevermore. I can still paint from these scars in my own blood for all eternity.
Recently I thought to myself " Here it is , another fun house door with unexpected and unpleasant surprises" . I am standing on the threshold of other peoples opinions. I have two rooms on either side of me. One is filled with fat admirers and the "other people" who think I am a freak who has to fix myself. There is no in between.
From the protective coating of being with an FA into the judgemental world in one fell swoop. Now in the late 80s I had the experience of being average sized to fat very quickly and walking through that door was an eyeopener. This was the same in a different sense. I was already fat going from being borderline ssbbw and "admired" to fat and gross...
I just got out of a long relationship with an FA. ( Fat Admirer). There was only admiration of my curves and size. The bigger the better , the more jiggly the flesh the wider the smile.
Now as a single woman I see the parallel lines of acceptance or rejection. As if I am some sitting duck for peoples opinions. Reminded me of that night in the 90s when I found myself crying. I was product of a rumor and thus warned I'd be rejected from someone I didn't even want . I guess someone thought it would be funny to burden the cool guy with a tale about the fatso having a huge crush on him. In actuality I didn't like him at all which made it all the more frustrating. I was being rejected by someone I wouldn't have kissed for a million bucks! But somehow knowing and hearing this statement " No offense but he doesn't like fat chicks" didn't sit well with me . I sat and cried humiliated as my thin beautiful friend shot him a nasty look and tried to comfort me.
I already knew I was unwanted because of my size by then. This was before any noticeable size acceptance movement was around. This was before it became more mainstream even if now considered a fetish by many. This was when fat admirers stayed in the closet and never admitted it.
So as a woman I am either someones fetish or nightmare? How someone views my size gives me worth from diamonds to dust. I died when I was 17 , I died when I gained the weight initially... because I ceased to be a person from that moment on. I am either a turn on and someones sexual fantasy or I am a freak that needs to be fixed. When all I want to be is loved. I never cared what a man looked like , it's the inside that counts. But when it comes to me it is every pound on or off.
Now visually this entails everything from personal preferences to prejudices. But also conditioning and upbringing. If a man was brought up to believe certain misconceptions is he a bad man or just misguided?! Where does the line get drawn from ignorance to cruelty when it comes to these opinions of me? Am I wrong to be simply exhausted on the whole thing?
I don't want to be accepted or rejected . I just want to be seen and known as a human being. I don't want to be big or small, I just want to be me. Knowing I am not good enough is a sharp nail through my vocal chords. I clutch my mutilated heart and see too much. It is lonely here in this flesh casing with the windows onlooking the sneers or smiles. The barrier to my heart.

What every woman should say to a critical partner or potential suiter. No one should feel less than due to someones ignorance. #sizeactivism #artjournaling #artjournalpages #fatactivism #attitude #powerfulwords #fat #bbw

 I have been so aggravated with people lately and some of the things I see online. I had to get it out. here is a mixed media art journaling piece I made. My rage page doesn't cover it all but maybe ... just maybe it will get someone reading...
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I find myself on an edge of indecision when it comes to plus size "characters" on television and in the movies. When I was newly and officially "Plus sized" there was no one to look up to really. Camryn Manheim ( totally rocks!) and Roseanne Barr were the biggest current popular women of size at the time.
 Thank God for Camryn .
 With the explosion of the size positivity movement I should be ecstatic. Body positively it awesome! It is necessary. Size activism has taken a wonderful turn. "We" are actively fighting for our rights! Someone is allowing us to be seen without it being the butt of the joke. Someone is allowing a character to say " I have worth" .
 Face it even Shallow Hal which supposedly had a "positive" message was rife with tasteless fat jokes. And I love Dawn French in the Vicar of Dibley but does she have to love chocolate that much?! For some reason I can't stand for the characters to be seen as eating machines or out of control emotional pizza magnets.
 Because frankly everyone eats. My mothers lifelong friend told me this story once. She was on a senior bus trip and they stopped along the way to partake in a favored ice cream establishment. The passengers got off the bus and into line for a cone on this hot summer day. ( Massachusetts can be humid sweat boasting sticky heat ) Her friend looked at the "overweight" lady  and said " Oh , as if she needs an ice cream" in judgement and disgust . To which my mothers friend turned and said "Well no one "Needs" an ice cream you have one because it is pleasurable , to cool yourself down". That shut the other woman up.  Which is my case in point... I really doubt any fat person eating chocolate is the sole supporter of the confectioners. All people enjoy a treat of some kind whether it be  a morsel of decadent chocolate or an afternoon of great sex. No one raises their hand when the question " Who wants to die having done nothing pleasurable in their life?" is asked . No one.. well maybe masochists. But what do they know about lifes' pleasures.
I praise Monique ,  Aidy Bryant , Rebel Wilson , Gabourey Sidibe , Queen Latifah , Octavia Spencer , Margo Martindale , Kathy Bates ( My heroine!) , Camryn Manheim , Melissa McCarthy , Chrissy Metz etc etc. I wish them all strong wonderful roles that break the stereotypes.
When I still see stereotypes slip into the writing in entertainment despite "the movement" I ponder.. I am not sure what side of the fence to be on. Should I just be grateful for any scrap of advancement at all after all these years ?!
  I think I do need to explore the changes some more. Want to be a BBW model? Well there is still an "ideal" rearing its ugly head or so it seems. I agree there is SSBBW , and variations of size that are appreciated. But the most "mainstream" or "approved" is big busted , curvy , young. There is maybe still a "preferred look" out there. What about larger ladies with small bustlines?! ( The only reason why I have a bust at all is because of my largess otherwise I am a dainty 36B on a good day in a vintage pointy bra!). And do the SSBBW's have to be considered a fetish ?! Do they deserve a lack of support because that is where the positivity movement ends with some people? Assumed health issues. I have heard people comment "Oh that's too big".
 Watching Shrill , my favorite part is when the main character fights with her boss about how since he is a gay man he should understand her position of fighting for her rights. He replies by saying he was " Born gay and she wasn't born fat" or something to that degree . Which brings me to a HUGE point and gripe of mine. I DO think being respectful to ALL people is always in order. I do not cherry pick who I think is "acceptable " ( Except for cruel small minded losers but that doesn't count , they are devils spawn).  Somehow the "fat people" aren't included in this politically correct movement because we "choose" this and "do it to ourselves" .  There is NO WAY anyone knows by looking at someone what causes their exterior to look a certain way. The fact is no one really knows what causes weight, science is starting to bite into ( pun not intended) some actual truths now with information on insulin resistance , sugar , gut bacteria, and candida overgrowth. But we don't KNOW the whole picture. If anyone KNEW weight loss programmes would be out of business in a week. People would be popping a magic pill to fix it all. This is an argument for another time but my point is despite this so called snuggly acceptance of embracing others... fat still falls under the radar.  Which makes me ask have we really learned anything at all? Have we truly advanced and become less savages of heart? Because a true awakening would mean that healthism is not ok , that assumptions and biased opinions are undesirable, that starving the fat kid at lunch is abuse and not "helping" him or her. This behavior is "ok" under the umbrella of perceived poor"health" . Despite the fact that we are ALL going to die.
 Important to note that I have poked fun at myself. I also have a few friends that tell some fat jokes but even though I jokingly them give my smoosh face when they do, I know them, I love them , they are good people. My "chosen family". I know they aren't being cruel just  being cheeky.I am not as oversensitive as I may seem in the above paragraphs. I can take a joke , just not a judgement as fact.
  I do try to eat healthy or find what works for me, I would prefer to be a smaller size. This does not make me a sell out, it is just my comfort level. I would still be writing this if I were thin because I believe in human rights. Granted if I were 105 lbs it would perhaps have less passion behind the words because being a larger person has made every sentence a scar at this point. I don't say these things in theory I say them from experience. We must all be respected and embraced for our journey fat , thin, short, tall, sad , happy. After all to quote the title of one of my favorite books " No One gets Out Alive".
  When it comes to media and a widespread panicky misinformed public opinion where kids will be exposed forming yet more "opinions" for the next generation. Lets not suggest fallacy as fact , lets not cherry pick or we will have yet another generation of ignorant kids chasing the fat kid home from school. I don't know about you but teen suicides don't make my day. Reading about a girl or boy who hung themselves after the relentless teasing at school reminds me that I HAVE to say everything because I have said so little for entirely too long. Present and future characters need to be ( and or stay ) strong , they need to be multi-dimentional. They need to be humanized and not criticized.
Write in , comment and give praise when a plus size character is written in a good light, cast your vote as I will mine. We can change the world one word at a time, one changed mind at a time.
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