The Hormonal Umbrella

  My first gynocologist appointment in years and I noted her glances at my generous proportions. Her curl of lip tipping me off to how much I was offendeding her .  She claimed weight loss surgery would cure me. There is no cure , only maintenence and I am not trying to conceive. However I am sure the kickback she would have gotten would have been nice for her. I find office visits these days to be no more than a sales pitch.  I don't care for suggestions of major surgeries on first visits. 
Onto the follow up visit : I got weighed , lost 3lbs . Meaningless to me as I only have 224 pounds more to go and the road seems too long. A pretty brunette takes my blood pressure and looks surprised that it is good. Sorry to disappoint, but I do understand that I am perhaps not the "norm".  I let her take the cuff off and glance at her ideal figure and wonder what it's like to be considered "normal" by the masses.  She drops me off down the hall.
I found myself sitting in the white room where one often checks their watch every few seconds wondering when it will be all over with. I fiddle with my cell phone. Try to read but I can't concentrate. I attempt meditation which only turns into a brain salad of a laundry list of everything I have done wrong since birth. Mirroring the same inner dialogue I get before I attempt sleep at night.
 After what seemed like an entire algebra class length of time she entered. The blood work results in her tiny hands , she sat in her coral chiffon dress and said " It shows signs of PCOS". The sarcasm hung on my lips like an anvil.... yet I almost spilled " Tell me something I don't know" . Then she ventured peri menopause and maybe menopause in the following 6 months to two years... and there was something not resonating. PCOS can mimic peri menopause, I have felt like this since my teens. Granted the hormones seem to be on an upswing with an overly emotional anxiety monster at my door lately . But honestly I felt as if I were getting diagnosed by the check out clerk at the packie. When she made a veiled stab on her way out about my weight and "assumed" appetite I mentally fired her alongside my subtle shock.
 I read online that menopause was classified as 12 months or more of an absence of periods. If that is the case I had menopause about 12 years ago , now I am spotting almost every day. I moved across country and my cycle stopped for 3 years or so. It came back with a vengeance.
 So at that point I was jus thinking why do I not trust my own intuition?! I figured it was the PCOS. Symptoms got worse , they crawled back into the horrid box of my teens. Hadn't felt that bad in years. I was vomiting , sleeping off and on ( when I could get to sleep) with a bucket by the bed. Extreme depression, my body felt "lit" like some neon hormone was pulsating through my veins, my legs felt numb,  anxiety , nausea , my groin was heavy with some unknown weight. A heat on my nether regions. Miraculously only mild cramping and an occasional ice pick poke on my ovaries. All this was going on alongside life's little catastrophes and apparently my cure was assumed to be bariatric surgery. Because becoming thin and visually pleasing overrides acid in your stomach any day.
  My body is so broken by this endocrine disorder now I don' t know if I can tweak it. I am admittedly exhausted by the whole thing.  No longer a PCOS warrior I have drifted into a "PCOS Eeyore". The diseases are out there with weight we all hear it :  Cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, joint pain, cancer... the list can seem endless. And fat people are often treated as if this will be their chosen feat by way of endless bags of Doritos. I think the main thing that causes the weight = disease relation is that many of us DO NOT GO TO THE DOCTOR due to the judgments , ill treatments and pointless conversations. If people stop going to get checked out then yeah cancer is more likely not to get caught in time. Medical professionals can't figure this out?! Hiding from the outside world and its  poking and prodding. Fat people are not morally corrupt because they aren't thin. Anyone can get sick at any point in their lives the smart ones know this time bomb is hanging overhead. We are all on borrowed time. For some reason the fat ones deserve it in some peoples eyes... As long as the stereotypes keep going strong there will be lousy medical care for us , and places we do not feel comfortable. It is time to "bitch".
#PCOS #pcosawareness #hormones #Perimenopause #weightissues #sizeactvism #weightissues #doctorsvisits #fat #plussized #plussizeblogger #blogging #writing #BBW