A few days in depression

 I spent the last few days in a heap on my bed hiding under the covers. Ever since my hormones were out of synch I have suffered severe yet occasional bouts of depression. I wish I could close my eyes and shut off my intuition. Fill my ears with cotton balls to save me from the bad energy and ill intended whispers.
 The vibration of people "worrying" about me under the guise of weight and health. No one cared either way when I wasn't physically larger to the eye which always makes me suspect now. I could have had a 25lb tumor like mom... but I'd have been of average build then so no one thought to ask.
 And every inch is noticeable .. I can't take water pills as much anymore it started bothering my kidneys... as was the no carb diet.. So now I get concern for the shape of my face... and my health... I've been like this since I was 17 relax... My truth just sucks. WHY I retain water is UNKNOWN ( although I assume it is hormone related)  it isn't choices, I am not sitting on the couch eating bags of Doritos... sorry to disappoint the people out there who get entertained by sizist memes and stereotyping. But it comes and goes.. maybe I'll get relief at some point... until then I never know who will look back at me in the mirror . I feel like silly putty.
 I hear " You are beautiful" from friends , this gets taken away by the fact that no matter what I do it's never quite good enough. If I can do anything it's erased by ... " But she's so fat".... "she has to change" . My fat won't kill me ,  but knowing most everything in life is fake because of it will.
 I am not paranoid just jaded and expecting the worst. There is no twisted thinking I just sense the vibrations and wish I didn't. Ignorance is bliss.
 Many friends (not all) really think the opposite of what they say to my face. After awhile it gets muddy ... a blur of behind the back gossip, "well meaning" back handed compliments and some genuine solace occasionally. At this point it's confusing and exhausting.
 When people tell you wonderful things & then you find their blog and find out what they really think of you in front of millions of people to read in bold face type... the humiliation takes on a razor blade edge. Yes it's happened. And it will again at some point. It wasn't my character , it was my offending flesh she was so influenced by.
 I know romantic love for me is a joke. I am often considered unattractive and not desirable. I am nothing that I am " Supposed to be". There is only one person's opinion that matters on this, but I know it's negative and I can offer him nothing.
 Enter days of crying, eating nothing but still choking on the fat in my throat under the heavy winter blanket that hid me from the world. I didn't even want to sit up it meant I was alive. I didn't want to get dressed. I wanted my thoughts to stop... because they were taunting and the truth. If only they were bullying lies could I have overcome it so much sooner.
Not whining just letting it bleed. Back to functioning... and knowing I am never good enough. Ice skating on melted ice.
#depression #pcossucks #fat #undesirable #angry #sad #jaded #bewildered