Turning the pages 2019 by Cyni Poeti
The rusty hinges on the book of life
Scratch against the innocent glass
Etching images of a mutilated rib cage
The art and shape of social tragedy
Witnessed by the emotional child
A pierced blood streaked heart
Dragging jagged fingernail lines
Sharp points that never dug in..
quite enough
Pages flutter like kites of regret outlining the wind of the earths breath
Cosmic missteps in timeless regrets
Each star in the sky is a razor in the mouth
The moon releases its' butterflies
With all the disease and color of the future.
#poetry #CyniPoeti #poems #gothicpoetry #darkpoetry
Rants and chants about PCOS, weight, Body Positivity, life and every day hormonally driven chaos. Also an oracle card and tarot reader. #pcosblog #art #originalart #poets #artist #writer #blogging #words #tarot nerd #oraclecardreader
Friday, January 18, 2019
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Bullying is wrong we know it. A big kid picks on a little kid. The popular girls pick on the goth girls, the geek girls, the computer nerds etc. Skin color , sexual orientation, size , height , rich vs poor, style, book smarts, religion , cliques whatever it is that divides... The ignorance in time can maybe be tossed aside for just what it is kids being morons and cruel. Bullies show their weakness and fear through their actions. They run on fear and a need to control what they can't. And let us not forget jealousy... the victim often possesses something the tormentor lacks and knows it.
Maybe some of the bullies grow up and were truly appalled at what jerks they indeed were and later apologize at a High School reunion. Well good for them to fess up and grow , however it doesn't erase the damage. A step in the right direction after the rubble they left behind.
Not everyone gets bullied , and not everyone feels the same about it. But here for me this is my story and I know I am not alone. I know this happens to many of us odd little ducklings...
What I find most curious is most people do not cover the lasting effects of these behaviors. How a few words can remain an ice pick at the back of your head 30 years later . Opinions from a child should not have any bearing on adulthood decision making processes , but it does. The remaining High School challenges and tragedies often spill into the present and future. A subconscious belief system built on fallacy that is geared to fail.
My unappreciative schoolmates in kindergarten introduced me to my flaws. I had dark circles under my eyes. Feel free to blame thin skin, my Italian heritage or the scary UFO's I swore were in the back yard. Regardless I was teased and told that "I needed make up" , was "ugly" . The teachers were concerned that " I needed sleep" and "Wasn't getting enough rest".
I just have a natural Beetlejuice Winona Ryder look folks. The one day I ran for the bus and got to class by the skin of my teeth sans make up!! I was caught by the rabid dog of skin tone judgments. This issue went on years later as a pretty blonde girl yelled loudly in Home Economics class " No offense but you look dead without make up" . I felt stung as if a bee went to town on my spine. You can bet I was the Lydia Lunch inspired L'oreal fed red lipstick pancake powdered girl the rest of that week.
I am still sensitive to this day and hate not wearing make up. ( Desert heat & Insomnia is now plaguing this issue even more. Try wearing heavy eyeliner and not having it run in 120 heat! ( I don't care if the label states waterproof it will slide on down your face like a run in a stocking on prom night) .
I was always the last one picked for gym class, they actually aimed at my head with the volleyball and teachers did nothing. Class teams would fight about who got "stuck" with me in front of the entire gymnasium. Being the"weirdo" ( By then I was the punk popster goth girl wearing black and occasional neon) .
I'd stand in the narrow aisle of the bus and panic knowing the bus driver would not move until I was seated and knowing the kids would move over to the edge of their seats to avoid giving me one of theirs. Whoever got stuck sitting next to me got teased ruthlessly for their misfortune.
I wasn't slender since maybe 2nd grade, I was always "average" , slightly shapely . I was treated like the fat lady in the circus for lacking in the coveted hip bone protruding figure. In my teens when I actually did get fat I learned the hard way what a social crime it was. Boys wanted to pay girls to "beat me up" because it would be "funny" . I would get nasty notes in my locker to " Go back home with your weird clothes" . 80's era folded notes ( We all know those folds of paper!) flipped onto my desk with nasty words and insults. " Medusa" " Fatso" , "Punky Brewster" .... I could feel tension in a classroom like a knife , the divide between the weirdo and the normal kids. When I sat down in class the kid next to me often moved their chair away as if I were nothing but a walking affliction.
So my bullying experience started because I looked like a creepy living dead doll or was fat & weird. Big deal , I should get a backbone right?! These are memories that played out and dragged on. You see one statement is damaging but when you keep getting the same criticism in repetition one can tend to see it as fact at some point. The bullying and comments take on a head spin that spills its' warped cruel melting jelly reasoning.
It becomes " If everyone says it , then it must be true" after all the mirror did show me a chubby pale ghostly girl with dark brown circles under her eyes , it was a looking right back at me. I was never told that my appearance was neutral. No one ever told me that it was what's inside that mattered the most if at all. No one ever said to me "I don't want to be your friend because you are unkind or boring" , it was closer to an " I don't want to be seen with you in public " admittance. I still feel like a burden to this day most of the time. I will sit at an opposite table and "peek" in lest I become unwanted company.
I wasn't weak , I fought back many times but that only made it worse for me. I think if it ever stopped at some point I may have been able to ground myself but it was so relentless that I never got to just sit and reboot. Every day was a challenge in the schoolhouse drudgery . Later in the workplace it wasn't much different which made me lose faith in the human race for many years.
The judgements become an inner dialogue that creates life changing blockages and assumptions that may have no bearing on reality at all. The self esteem processes can become flawed and muddied with too many opinions. One day the bullying attaches itself to problems at home and life's obstacles becoming a feral monster. All the lies and criticisms become so real you don't even notice your thinking is the biggest flaw you'll ever have. That your mind has been poisoned with someone else's self hate and frustrations. Somehow their emptiness became your burden. A big lock on the door of life.
Instead of going to parties I stayed home and read. And when at parties I sat in the corner writing poetry or people watching.
After all the negativity if given the choice to go out and have fun you watch a movie with your mom because it's now the only safe place left. Everything you do is riddled with concern that people are laughing at you. Anxiety can take over.
Most importantly bullying is horrible because you may come to miss out on epic things in your life and will not even know it because the warped thinking is now second nature to you. Or you may stop trying because you are sick of being seen as a failure before you can even prove yourself. Self defeated perfectionism.
The lasting remnants of bullying affect major decisions that last longer than any plague. You maybe don't go to the gym even out of fear of people laughing at you in spandex ( IMHO: Whomever developed spandex pants should be shot anyway). One might walk away in general their whole life from possibilities assuming that the laughter will only start if only given the chance. How even when things go well you will be "found out" for the unattractive flawed person you have come to believe you are. You think any happiness is temporary because sooner or later the shielding that let you slip in the door to being with will eventually fall revealing all flaws. One stops trying because the rejection has gotten into your bones leaving you for dead.
THIS is WHY bullying sucks. The day your kid comes home upset for being called names .. it is upsetting. But what EVERY parent should be aware of is that it DOES NOT STOP THERE! It isn't about some jerk calling your kid a name , it can be the beginning of toxic beliefs and a damaged inner dialogue that paints their future. They may marry jerks because they think it is what they deserve, they may work at lousy jobs because they feel lucky anyone even gave them one. They will never have rose colored glasses or an inner voice that says " You are good enough as you are". Because even when you say "I love you" or "Ignore them" , the bullies are doing their damage on the other end.
Differences are what makes us unique , not wrong ..but a child doesn't get that unless the parents make it clear to them . Share your positive messages until they are the ones that stick and override the word stabbings of school bullies. Drill your child's worth into their own heads. Save them from themselves , because bullies will leave the scars with their cruel paintbrush. #bullying #bullies #personalgrowth #BBW #essays #writing #schoolstories #memories #schoolmemories #depression # anxiety #spirituality #subconscious
Maybe some of the bullies grow up and were truly appalled at what jerks they indeed were and later apologize at a High School reunion. Well good for them to fess up and grow , however it doesn't erase the damage. A step in the right direction after the rubble they left behind.
Not everyone gets bullied , and not everyone feels the same about it. But here for me this is my story and I know I am not alone. I know this happens to many of us odd little ducklings...
What I find most curious is most people do not cover the lasting effects of these behaviors. How a few words can remain an ice pick at the back of your head 30 years later . Opinions from a child should not have any bearing on adulthood decision making processes , but it does. The remaining High School challenges and tragedies often spill into the present and future. A subconscious belief system built on fallacy that is geared to fail.
My unappreciative schoolmates in kindergarten introduced me to my flaws. I had dark circles under my eyes. Feel free to blame thin skin, my Italian heritage or the scary UFO's I swore were in the back yard. Regardless I was teased and told that "I needed make up" , was "ugly" . The teachers were concerned that " I needed sleep" and "Wasn't getting enough rest".
I just have a natural Beetlejuice Winona Ryder look folks. The one day I ran for the bus and got to class by the skin of my teeth sans make up!! I was caught by the rabid dog of skin tone judgments. This issue went on years later as a pretty blonde girl yelled loudly in Home Economics class " No offense but you look dead without make up" . I felt stung as if a bee went to town on my spine. You can bet I was the Lydia Lunch inspired L'oreal fed red lipstick pancake powdered girl the rest of that week.
I am still sensitive to this day and hate not wearing make up. ( Desert heat & Insomnia is now plaguing this issue even more. Try wearing heavy eyeliner and not having it run in 120 heat! ( I don't care if the label states waterproof it will slide on down your face like a run in a stocking on prom night) .
I was always the last one picked for gym class, they actually aimed at my head with the volleyball and teachers did nothing. Class teams would fight about who got "stuck" with me in front of the entire gymnasium. Being the"weirdo" ( By then I was the punk popster goth girl wearing black and occasional neon) .
I'd stand in the narrow aisle of the bus and panic knowing the bus driver would not move until I was seated and knowing the kids would move over to the edge of their seats to avoid giving me one of theirs. Whoever got stuck sitting next to me got teased ruthlessly for their misfortune.
I wasn't slender since maybe 2nd grade, I was always "average" , slightly shapely . I was treated like the fat lady in the circus for lacking in the coveted hip bone protruding figure. In my teens when I actually did get fat I learned the hard way what a social crime it was. Boys wanted to pay girls to "beat me up" because it would be "funny" . I would get nasty notes in my locker to " Go back home with your weird clothes" . 80's era folded notes ( We all know those folds of paper!) flipped onto my desk with nasty words and insults. " Medusa" " Fatso" , "Punky Brewster" .... I could feel tension in a classroom like a knife , the divide between the weirdo and the normal kids. When I sat down in class the kid next to me often moved their chair away as if I were nothing but a walking affliction.
So my bullying experience started because I looked like a creepy living dead doll or was fat & weird. Big deal , I should get a backbone right?! These are memories that played out and dragged on. You see one statement is damaging but when you keep getting the same criticism in repetition one can tend to see it as fact at some point. The bullying and comments take on a head spin that spills its' warped cruel melting jelly reasoning.
It becomes " If everyone says it , then it must be true" after all the mirror did show me a chubby pale ghostly girl with dark brown circles under her eyes , it was a looking right back at me. I was never told that my appearance was neutral. No one ever told me that it was what's inside that mattered the most if at all. No one ever said to me "I don't want to be your friend because you are unkind or boring" , it was closer to an " I don't want to be seen with you in public " admittance. I still feel like a burden to this day most of the time. I will sit at an opposite table and "peek" in lest I become unwanted company.
I wasn't weak , I fought back many times but that only made it worse for me. I think if it ever stopped at some point I may have been able to ground myself but it was so relentless that I never got to just sit and reboot. Every day was a challenge in the schoolhouse drudgery . Later in the workplace it wasn't much different which made me lose faith in the human race for many years.
The judgements become an inner dialogue that creates life changing blockages and assumptions that may have no bearing on reality at all. The self esteem processes can become flawed and muddied with too many opinions. One day the bullying attaches itself to problems at home and life's obstacles becoming a feral monster. All the lies and criticisms become so real you don't even notice your thinking is the biggest flaw you'll ever have. That your mind has been poisoned with someone else's self hate and frustrations. Somehow their emptiness became your burden. A big lock on the door of life.
Instead of going to parties I stayed home and read. And when at parties I sat in the corner writing poetry or people watching.
After all the negativity if given the choice to go out and have fun you watch a movie with your mom because it's now the only safe place left. Everything you do is riddled with concern that people are laughing at you. Anxiety can take over.
Most importantly bullying is horrible because you may come to miss out on epic things in your life and will not even know it because the warped thinking is now second nature to you. Or you may stop trying because you are sick of being seen as a failure before you can even prove yourself. Self defeated perfectionism.
The lasting remnants of bullying affect major decisions that last longer than any plague. You maybe don't go to the gym even out of fear of people laughing at you in spandex ( IMHO: Whomever developed spandex pants should be shot anyway). One might walk away in general their whole life from possibilities assuming that the laughter will only start if only given the chance. How even when things go well you will be "found out" for the unattractive flawed person you have come to believe you are. You think any happiness is temporary because sooner or later the shielding that let you slip in the door to being with will eventually fall revealing all flaws. One stops trying because the rejection has gotten into your bones leaving you for dead.
THIS is WHY bullying sucks. The day your kid comes home upset for being called names .. it is upsetting. But what EVERY parent should be aware of is that it DOES NOT STOP THERE! It isn't about some jerk calling your kid a name , it can be the beginning of toxic beliefs and a damaged inner dialogue that paints their future. They may marry jerks because they think it is what they deserve, they may work at lousy jobs because they feel lucky anyone even gave them one. They will never have rose colored glasses or an inner voice that says " You are good enough as you are". Because even when you say "I love you" or "Ignore them" , the bullies are doing their damage on the other end.
Differences are what makes us unique , not wrong ..but a child doesn't get that unless the parents make it clear to them . Share your positive messages until they are the ones that stick and override the word stabbings of school bullies. Drill your child's worth into their own heads. Save them from themselves , because bullies will leave the scars with their cruel paintbrush. #bullying #bullies #personalgrowth #BBW #essays #writing #schoolstories #memories #schoolmemories #depression # anxiety #spirituality #subconscious
Monday, December 17, 2018
Summer Streets by Cyni Poeti 2018
Heat bakes in
Takes Away
The fear , the loathing
Rests beside me
Hollow - full - It's all the same
All Knowing
Turning innocence into molten plastic dolls
Dripping with heat marking the repression
The words that were never said
Painted on haunted childhood playthings in red
Broken toys dripping chemicals and heat into the blockaded heart
To remember
Is to slowly kill yourself
Some memories are meant to die amongst the dreams forgotten
Aged emotions resurfacing cut through the lost life
Thrashing cords in my gut
Heat bakes in
Takes Away
The fear , the loathing
Rests beside me
Hollow - full - It's all the same
All Knowing
Turning innocence into molten plastic dolls
Dripping with heat marking the repression
The words that were never said
Painted on haunted childhood playthings in red
Broken toys dripping chemicals and heat into the blockaded heart
To remember
Is to slowly kill yourself
Some memories are meant to die amongst the dreams forgotten
Aged emotions resurfacing cut through the lost life
Thrashing cords in my gut
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Flaws
The control you possess
Chases me down the corridor of self hate
The never banned walls of not good enough
Crumble under the gold palettes
Naked ritual oceans won't save the imperfections
Mirrors proof of your disinterest
Mouth nailing the coffin closed
The shrinking violet clawing the edge of dirt
Falling down the well of fantasy
She made pretend
for a season
Feeding the death of emotion
Cyni Poeti 2018
The control you possess
Chases me down the corridor of self hate
The never banned walls of not good enough
Crumble under the gold palettes
Naked ritual oceans won't save the imperfections
Mirrors proof of your disinterest
Mouth nailing the coffin closed
The shrinking violet clawing the edge of dirt
Falling down the well of fantasy
She made pretend
for a season
Feeding the death of emotion
Cyni Poeti 2018
Closed doors Cyni Poeti 2018
I want to shut down
Give me the thorn to bleed on
Tell me why I need to feel
the pain this inflicts
When will the need to be you fall away
Kitten pout and the need to stop
All blood leaves my face
when the mirror shatters
All delusions of acceptability
You are under my fingernails
The screaming scratches of not good enough
The sun fades behind the sequins
The fire in me put out
Under competition of yellow and intellect
Watch me fizzle under your feet
Pierce me , mark your spot
I want to shut down
Give me the thorn to bleed on
Tell me why I need to feel
the pain this inflicts
When will the need to be you fall away
Kitten pout and the need to stop
All blood leaves my face
when the mirror shatters
All delusions of acceptability
You are under my fingernails
The screaming scratches of not good enough
The sun fades behind the sequins
The fire in me put out
Under competition of yellow and intellect
Watch me fizzle under your feet
Pierce me , mark your spot
Saturday, November 3, 2018
After knowing someone for 23 years there is a new horizon awaiting for me. It was over years ago , life got complicated and now it's a healthy peaceful parting if not joyous. ( I love playing matchmaker!) .... I have my freedom and physical space. I am single with no entanglements... it could only mean I'll end up an artsy cat lady but I am free to be who I am and follow my gut. My journey is here. My heart has some hopes , my head doesn't dare...
Endings are only new beginnings. Sometimes the ending is brutal and sometimes it's only a confused whimper. But all things come to an end , even when there was a long duration that lent itself to the fantasy of forever. The only things that are certain in life are taxes and death as we all well know.
So what do you do when it's over?! Accept the lessons you learned. Move on with grace and dignity. Treat people the way you would want to be treated. Walk away on clouds not swords. Know that you now have something to bring into your future relationships because you grew and came out a stronger person.
Learn your lessons or they will repeat themselves until you do. The missteps we made were our professors in life , honor them. The bad teaches us as well as the good. Ask yourself the imortant questions and listen intuitively for the answers.
Be honest with yourself and know what serves you and what doesn't. Remove the heavy weights off of your back so you can stand in a direction of your path. Walk towards the light, sense what feels right. Never let your mind go on spin and become a runaway train of fear. Most of what I have feared in life was anxiety and low self esteem on my part. I would convince myself it was never going to happen or be a toxic nightmare. I now have the power in my hand to let it go. I can regret not saying things when I should have but I can't change the past. I just have to make peace that my thinking has to change. I have to let all the negative energy and inner dialogue that has scarred me bleed into the river of life.
Endings are only new beginnings. Sometimes the ending is brutal and sometimes it's only a confused whimper. But all things come to an end , even when there was a long duration that lent itself to the fantasy of forever. The only things that are certain in life are taxes and death as we all well know.
So what do you do when it's over?! Accept the lessons you learned. Move on with grace and dignity. Treat people the way you would want to be treated. Walk away on clouds not swords. Know that you now have something to bring into your future relationships because you grew and came out a stronger person.
Learn your lessons or they will repeat themselves until you do. The missteps we made were our professors in life , honor them. The bad teaches us as well as the good. Ask yourself the imortant questions and listen intuitively for the answers.
Be honest with yourself and know what serves you and what doesn't. Remove the heavy weights off of your back so you can stand in a direction of your path. Walk towards the light, sense what feels right. Never let your mind go on spin and become a runaway train of fear. Most of what I have feared in life was anxiety and low self esteem on my part. I would convince myself it was never going to happen or be a toxic nightmare. I now have the power in my hand to let it go. I can regret not saying things when I should have but I can't change the past. I just have to make peace that my thinking has to change. I have to let all the negative energy and inner dialogue that has scarred me bleed into the river of life.
Thursday, November 1, 2018
In all the hidden vessels
Rest the demons
that shatter us
Laying claim to our light
We are not good enough
under the gremlins gaze
Standing tall under the emotional Bandaid tourniquets
Rising in voice
The mirrors blockade
Rejuvenate the wreckage
My skin is social cigarette burns
These scars are razor blade paintings
seen in dripping red
Walking through the glass uncut
Title: I have overcome
Cyni Poeti 2018
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)