The Hormonal Umbrella

 Bullying is wrong we know it. A big kid picks on a little kid. The popular girls pick on the goth girls, the geek girls, the computer nerds etc. Skin color , sexual orientation, size , height ,  rich vs poor, style, book smarts, religion , cliques whatever it is that divides... The ignorance in time can maybe be tossed aside for just what it is kids being morons and cruel. Bullies show their weakness and fear through their actions. They run on fear and a need to control what they can't. And let us not forget jealousy... the victim often possesses something the tormentor lacks and knows it.
 Maybe some of the bullies grow up and were truly appalled at what jerks they indeed were and later apologize at a High School reunion. Well good for them to fess up and grow , however it doesn't erase the damage.  A step in the right direction after the rubble they left behind.
Not everyone gets bullied ,  and not everyone feels the same about it. But here for me this is my story and I know I am not alone. I know this happens to many of us odd little ducklings...
 What I find most curious is most people do not cover the lasting effects of these behaviors. How a few words can remain an ice pick at the back of your head 30 years later . Opinions from a child should not have any bearing on adulthood decision making processes , but it does.  The remaining High School challenges and tragedies often spill into the present and future. A subconscious belief system built on fallacy that is geared to fail.
 My unappreciative schoolmates in kindergarten introduced me to my flaws.  I had dark circles under my eyes. Feel free to blame thin skin, my Italian heritage or the scary UFO's I swore were in the back yard. Regardless I was teased and told that "I needed make up" , was "ugly" . The teachers were concerned that " I needed sleep" and "Wasn't getting enough rest".
 I just have a natural Beetlejuice Winona Ryder look folks. The one day I ran for the bus and got to class by the skin of my teeth sans make up!! I was caught by the rabid dog of skin tone judgments. This issue went on years later as a pretty blonde girl yelled loudly in Home Economics class  " No offense but you look dead without make up" .    I felt stung as if a bee went to town on my spine.  You can bet I was the Lydia Lunch inspired L'oreal fed red lipstick pancake powdered girl the rest of that week.
  I am still sensitive to this day and hate not wearing make up. ( Desert heat & Insomnia is now plaguing this issue even more. Try wearing heavy eyeliner and not having it run in 120 heat! ( I don't care if the label states waterproof it will slide on down your face like a run in a stocking on prom night) .
 I was always the last one picked for gym class, they actually aimed at my head with the volleyball  and teachers did nothing. Class teams  would fight about who got "stuck" with me in front of the entire gymnasium. Being the"weirdo" ( By then I was the punk popster goth girl wearing black and occasional neon) .
 I'd stand in the narrow aisle of the bus and panic knowing the bus driver would not move until I was seated and knowing the kids would move over to the edge of their seats to avoid giving me one of theirs. Whoever got stuck sitting next to me got teased ruthlessly for their misfortune.
I wasn't slender since maybe 2nd grade,  I was always "average" , slightly shapely . I was treated like the fat lady in the circus for lacking in the coveted hip bone protruding figure. In my teens when I actually did get fat I learned the hard way what a social crime it was. Boys wanted to pay girls to "beat me up" because it would be "funny" . I would get nasty notes in my locker to " Go back home with your weird clothes" .  80's era folded notes ( We all know those folds of paper!) flipped onto my desk with nasty words and insults. " Medusa" " Fatso" , "Punky Brewster" .... I could feel tension in a classroom like a knife , the divide between the weirdo and the normal kids. When I sat down in class the kid next to me often moved their chair away as if I were nothing but a walking affliction.
 So my bullying experience started because I looked like a creepy living dead doll or was fat & weird. Big deal , I should get a backbone right?! These are memories that played out and dragged on. You see one statement is damaging but when you keep getting the same criticism in repetition one can tend to see it as fact at some point.  The bullying and comments take on a head spin that spills its' warped cruel melting jelly reasoning.
 It becomes " If everyone says it  ,  then it must be true" after all the mirror did show me a chubby pale ghostly girl with dark brown circles under her eyes , it was a looking right back at me. I was never told that my appearance was neutral. No one ever told me that it was what's inside that mattered the most if at all. No one ever said to me "I don't want to be your friend because you are unkind or boring" , it was closer to an " I don't want to be seen with you in public " admittance.  I still feel like a burden to this day most of the time. I will sit at an opposite table and "peek" in lest I become unwanted company.
 I wasn't weak , I fought back many times but that only made it worse for me. I think if it ever stopped at some point I may have been able to ground myself but it was so relentless that I never got to just sit and reboot. Every day was a challenge in the schoolhouse drudgery . Later in the workplace it wasn't much different which made me lose faith in the human race for many years.
The judgements  become an inner dialogue that creates life changing blockages and assumptions that may have no bearing on reality at all. The self esteem processes can become flawed and muddied with too many opinions. One day the bullying attaches itself to problems at home and life's obstacles becoming a feral monster. All the lies and criticisms become so real you don't even notice your thinking is the biggest flaw you'll ever have. That your mind has been poisoned with someone else's self hate and frustrations. Somehow their emptiness became your burden. A big lock on the door of life.
 Instead of going to parties I stayed home and read. And when at parties I sat in the corner writing poetry or people watching.
 After all the negativity if given the choice to go out and have fun you watch a movie with your mom because it's now the only safe place left. Everything you do is riddled with concern that people are laughing at you. Anxiety can take over.
 Most importantly bullying is horrible because you may come to miss out on epic things in your life and will not even know it because the warped thinking is now second nature to you. Or you may stop trying because you are sick of being seen as a failure before you can even prove yourself. Self defeated perfectionism.
The lasting remnants of bullying affect major decisions that last longer than any plague.  You maybe don't go to the gym even out of fear of people laughing at you in spandex ( IMHO: Whomever developed spandex pants should be shot anyway).  One might walk away in general their whole life from possibilities assuming that the laughter will only start if only given the chance. How even when things go well you will be "found out" for the unattractive flawed person you have come to believe you are. You think any happiness is temporary because sooner or later the shielding that let you slip in the door to being with will eventually fall revealing all flaws.  One stops trying because the rejection has gotten into your bones leaving you for dead.
 THIS is WHY bullying sucks. The day your kid comes home upset for being called names .. it is upsetting. But what EVERY parent should be aware of is that it DOES NOT STOP THERE! It isn't about some jerk calling your kid a name , it can be the beginning of toxic beliefs and a damaged inner dialogue that paints their future. They may marry jerks because they think it is what they deserve, they may work at lousy jobs because they feel lucky anyone even gave them one. They will never have rose colored glasses or an inner voice that says " You are good enough as you are".  Because even when you say "I love you" or "Ignore them" , the bullies are doing their damage on the other end.
 Differences are what makes us unique , not wrong ..but a child doesn't get that unless the parents make it clear to them . Share your positive messages until they are the ones that stick and override the word stabbings of school bullies. Drill your child's worth into their own heads. Save them from themselves , because bullies will leave the scars with their cruel paintbrush. #bullying #bullies #personalgrowth #BBW #essays #writing #schoolstories #memories #schoolmemories #depression # anxiety #spirituality #subconscious