It would be wonderful if we had all evolved and learned our lessons over time. We like to think we have, but I know we haven't. We as a people have so much left to learn.

 I get aggravated with some popular health gurus. Not because I am jealous they are "skinny" or feel rebellious. Because so much misinformation that is out there gets stated as fact. That I believe a million dollar enterprise is NOT going to tell you the truth if it costs them advertising dollars etc. If you are going to talk about thermodynamics, actually understand it. If you are going to make memes about PCOS have ALL the correct information or you aren't helping anyone.Unfortunately there is no 100% truth we are all digging... but at least make the effort.

 Some days I think I could get sassy and just bury these blogs and posts with the truth via links to back up my "information" that I have acquired over the years. The main problem is that there is very little actual "knowledge" out there, it is generally an opinion stated as fact, a sentence laced into the popular belief system. So regardless of what I can post when I do wholeheartedly disagree, there is not much to state as fact. For or against it is all opinions or quoted fixed "findings" that were bought off by some company to help their bottom line.

  We are spoon fed misinformation all the time. And it hasn't changed. Some people post retro memes of old ads and the "funny" and "crazy" claims that were once made. Cigarettes were good to "keep your weight down", that is until cancer reared it's ugly head. What if that connection was never made?! Would people still be very popular because it was considered a pleasurable cool way to keep those “ Nasty fat rolls” away… ???

 The stereotyped behavior of some “obesity” ( I kinda hate that word…)  Is SYMPTOMS of a disease not CAUSES / or chosen behavior. Lustig explains it all… Metabolic syndrome / Insulin resistance…so when people make fun of "fat people" they are making fun of sick people.The same people would never be so cruel as to make fun of other sick people with challenges or diseases but somehow metabolic syndrome etc is "funny" and assumed a "choice". 

 We run on what we think we learned and know. And my Father will go down saying “ It was all lies, they have been lying to us all these years”. I agree , what we thought we knew.. life easily turns into " "If I only knew then what I know now…."

People still argue about whether eggs are good for you or not…yet strangers think they can come up to me and tell me how to lose weight out of the blue without even knowing my name. What if their diet ideas would kill me? Who are these people to think they are doctors?! or patting themselves on the back because they are trying to save the fat girl?! Guess it doesn't matter because I must want to be thin at all costs even if it means going down fighting the size of my waist into an early grave via pneumonia from low immune after fasting inappropriately.... As far as most of society goes I am 1/2 there and won't matter until I am a size 2. I won't be living a full life in their eyes until their "information" fixes me and I can throw a rigid jeans coming out party in a single digit. Their misinformation, their fear, prejudice, twisted well meaning comments can go well you know where..

Similar to control it is all an illusion. So don't be naive and think we KNOW it all. We have endless misinformation at our fingertips via internet. In this day and age we still argue about weight and what causes it.

STILL

If it were simply CICO success would be much more prevalent.

 For me… I trust no one and no eating “plan” , I reject rules. I am finding my way and if I end up 200lbs less fine, if I stay the same but feel better fine. But abusing myself because I am not a size 2 isn’t happening no matter what the fitness gurus want me to do. My life is NOT going to be about what shape I am not.. it is going to be MY life and what I can “DO”  within the years I have left, if I can help anyone, teach anyone, enhance something , then my time has been worthwhile.

Please just sit back and admit we don’t KNOW everything… misinformation is hurting people. Some of us just have to find our own way and turn our backs on popular thinking to survive. 

All sizism is prejudice from something many of us were once taught to be as a truth. It is fear based and comes from bought off studies , mis information, incomplete information and pure ignorance. One day the answers may come but until then many of us have to wait it out and deal with peoples attitudes because they will just never get it. Someday popular thinking & understanding of the human body regarding weight, Cushing's, Thyroidism, edema , digestion , gut bacteria , appetite regulation... etc will be more fully understood... And even then there will still

be more to learn. Information is never complete. Learning  never stops.

It's all about the shoes... When someone walks in yours the light bulb goes off , until then there is the finger wagging from many. All one can do is walk on and into their life! Can't wait for answers or miracles from people or science or diet gurus. We are here to learn from within , what resonates and what doesn't?! Pay attention to the little voice within you. Be it health issues or personal human kindness.

 My resting rant for today is…. Just use your head , be mindful and respectful of your body and everyone around you… Listen to your intuition. 

#cynipoeti #hormonalumbrella #weight #fatissues #weightissues #sizism #sizepositivity #blogging #bbw #bbwselfies #rants #plusfashion #plussized #opinions 

#BBW #bbwart #plussizeart #mixedmedia #acrylics #sharpie #sizismsucks #cynipoeti

Death to sleep

The devil’s eyes are blue gems of raindrops

A color of emotion and frozen hearts

On that couch you had your emotionless movement

Human skeleton riding the escapist fantasy

Vampiristic manipulation stealing your future

Trapped in living flesh with bloody waterfall information

Instead she drowns in the knowledge of 7 swords

Your broken bones are in her mouth

Week’s , months and years of goodbye

My silence is really your screaming

Fingernails dig their home into her unwanted flesh

Tasting the blades of no

Resting in the disease

That has become her life

Copyright CyniPoeti 2020

Alone copyright Cyni Poeti 2019
I run through life in your shadow
My heart hoping to stumble upon
Your absent soul
I want to fade into your skin
and become home in your perfection
Did anyone ever take note of your beauty
It's flawless dignified curve of rainbow light
In the corner of brick with the venomous mouths
Did you know I worshipped you from the open veins
where the blood ran down my wrists from the loss of you
When you looked to the sky and the sand
and missed me
I was forever alone under your absent gaze
For a fleeting moment that painted the pain
In a texture of screaming loss

#poetry #poems #roughdraft

A few days in depression

 I spent the last few days in a heap on my bed hiding under the covers. Ever since my hormones were out of synch I have suffered severe yet occasional bouts of depression. I wish I could close my eyes and shut off my intuition. Fill my ears with cotton balls to save me from the bad energy and ill intended whispers.
 The vibration of people "worrying" about me under the guise of weight and health. No one cared either way when I wasn't physically larger to the eye which always makes me suspect now. I could have had a 25lb tumor like mom... but I'd have been of average build then so no one thought to ask.
 And every inch is noticeable .. I can't take water pills as much anymore it started bothering my kidneys... as was the no carb diet.. So now I get concern for the shape of my face... and my health... I've been like this since I was 17 relax... My truth just sucks. WHY I retain water is UNKNOWN ( although I assume it is hormone related)  it isn't choices, I am not sitting on the couch eating bags of Doritos... sorry to disappoint the people out there who get entertained by sizist memes and stereotyping. But it comes and goes.. maybe I'll get relief at some point... until then I never know who will look back at me in the mirror . I feel like silly putty.
 I hear " You are beautiful" from friends , this gets taken away by the fact that no matter what I do it's never quite good enough. If I can do anything it's erased by ... " But she's so fat".... "she has to change" . My fat won't kill me ,  but knowing most everything in life is fake because of it will.
 I am not paranoid just jaded and expecting the worst. There is no twisted thinking I just sense the vibrations and wish I didn't. Ignorance is bliss.
 Many friends (not all) really think the opposite of what they say to my face. After awhile it gets muddy ... a blur of behind the back gossip, "well meaning" back handed compliments and some genuine solace occasionally. At this point it's confusing and exhausting.
 When people tell you wonderful things & then you find their blog and find out what they really think of you in front of millions of people to read in bold face type... the humiliation takes on a razor blade edge. Yes it's happened. And it will again at some point. It wasn't my character , it was my offending flesh she was so influenced by.
 I know romantic love for me is a joke. I am often considered unattractive and not desirable. I am nothing that I am " Supposed to be". There is only one person's opinion that matters on this, but I know it's negative and I can offer him nothing.
 Enter days of crying, eating nothing but still choking on the fat in my throat under the heavy winter blanket that hid me from the world. I didn't even want to sit up it meant I was alive. I didn't want to get dressed. I wanted my thoughts to stop... because they were taunting and the truth. If only they were bullying lies could I have overcome it so much sooner.
Not whining just letting it bleed. Back to functioning... and knowing I am never good enough. Ice skating on melted ice.
#depression #pcossucks #fat #undesirable #angry #sad #jaded #bewildered

Clouds copyright Cyni Poeti 2019 

Her lips remain lonely

Lipstick the color of a mutilated heart

She lifts her fingers to her mouth

and smears the red war paint

Where his adoration should have landed

Only her childhood tainted clouds pushed the world away

White fleshy wounds with downward smiles

Humiliation is on her shoulder

Her eyes fall on magnificence

She watches others their limbs, heads , the perfection of flesh

Crocodile smiles , deaths dance

Wrapped in humor and intellect

Her throat has the dirty little secret

Of her filth

There are reasons why there is nothing

No adoration

Alone in the corner she painted for herself

In the exhaustion of life

Ripped open bleeding lips in front of emptiness

White walls of missed opportunities

Glare

She holds melting lipstick in her hands 

The wax pulp a carcass of what she needed

And never asked for.

 One thing I really hate is the accusatory statement "You did it to yourself "  concerning weight. Really?! I DO accept some of my personal weight as behavior however whether I worked out or ate right all these years I still would have been overweight. It wasn't a choice , it has been something I have fought for most of my life in some way!
I suppose some people can fall under a category of behavior only... and I do not say this in a judgemental way. I do acknowledge that some people have psychological issues that affect weight. Also some people simply have financial and or educational issues to contend with. Either way it was never a "choice" as insinuated.  Be it depression , disease , or genetics I assure you no one sits there and chooses it. There may be size activists after the fact choosing to live their life to the fullest despite ridicule ( my hero's!) but they still didnt choose to be the chubby kid etc.
 But I am talking about shaming people and blaming them for somehow "choosing" a body type other people don't approve of.  That it is a decision consciously made out of sloth. The popular opinion is that if you are fat you are (stereotyping comments here)  "lazy" " a pig" "eating too much" "sitting on the couch all day" .
 I have been alive for 48 years. I don't see anyone asking thin people how they got thin unless it is "super sexy gym type thin" .. For average people I don't hear anyone say "What did you do to be an average weight , or slender? "  " What caused this??!!!". No one looks for a cause to a size 10 or below in a females closet . However if you get to a size 16 or above then you did something to cause it and it's all your fault , you must be "fixed"! When people fall under the "fat" category the fear explodes. The masses need to "control it" and once they come up with reasons maybe it won't happen to them.  Example: ... "If I don't eat Doritos I won't get fat" , "I can control it, they can't"... type of thinking.  Simplistic cause and effect via small minds.
 So for average or slender people who don't have time (or inclination) for the gym are ok.  There is no "healthism" for them. Not everyone is choosing their pant size, it's just the size they are by nature. Because they look fine in a bathing suit via popular opinion. Because we are told they are healthy because they look a certain way.  ( This is nothing but control issues, fear of death). What if they aren't?! What if a young man has a huge tumor and no one bothers to look , because his belt size indicates a desirable health and appearance combo?!
For example two kids sit on a couch playing video games and eating popcorn .. the fat kid is considered to be "out of control" and choosing his " jelly rolls?! And the thin one is just playing video games and having a snack?! Doesn't anyone see how this is messed up?!
 So the mother has to explain to her kid that he isn't like the others and can't eat the popcorn if he wants to try to be thin?! How do you explain the science involved in weight issues ( more complicated than CICO folks!) to a teen who just wants to live in peace like everyone else?! How do you say anything that would not making him feel "different" or shamed? And why does this even have to be an issue?! Meanwhile the other thin teen never gets looked at by a doctor because he was assumed to be healthy. ( I have witnessed this type of scenario folks stories for another time).
 Yo Yo dieting will mak you much fatter than you ever would have been. Fact. If kids were left alone to be chubby they may not develop eating disorders and become "obese" adults. Bloody hell I hate that word "obese" .
Neither of them are choosing anything , they are just being kids.
 Until we really know 100% what causes the tendency to weigh more I think people just need to shut up.
Seriously , I have had it. I am 48 , I have a slow thyroid , PCOS , Hormones are especially wacky this summer. I gave up red meat and started eating chicken and salad, dumbest thing I ever did , I am so bloated I could float. I struggle not to get past a certain weight. I ask my doctor and it's "menopause" issues.  I guess I am "choosing" that too....
 Yes indeed! I am choosing menopause!  I just asked for the old lady fairy to switch up my hormones in the maddest possible way! Yup , that's me .. I  "AM" that powerful!  Can't you see my golden fairy dust?!?? I decide when my cells hold excessive water. I decide the forever changing shape of my face the next morning. Obviously being sarcastic here... But to make a point . Even with diuretics twice a day this summer I am holding water in my face and neck area for "whatever reason" ( menopause?!) .. do I have to explain this to friends and foe alike?! I look bigger because I am not menstruating now.. the water is "collecting" so I was told.. Does anyone even want to hear this?! NO! Heck I don't even want to hear it or think it. But since it's visual.. maybe I need to explain!?  People worry...  and point or comment...ugh... so no I am not worshipping the Twinkies Gods ok?!
  If I can't control these issues, who is to say anyone else can control anything their body does 100%?! We can nudge things a certain way. But we can't decide to make our health or weight to always be optimal. If we controlled half of the things that we are misguided to believe that we can control then no one would be dying of cancer or suffering from diseases. Period.
 So telling a fat person they "did it to themselves" is just as messed up as telling someone with the flu that  they made it happen.. if only they washed their hands more.. or had a better immune system.... Who knows why one person got the flu and another went all winter without so much as a tickle in their throats. It wasn't chosen. It just "was" . same with intelligence etc, sometimes it just is. I could go to college , but I will never be an academic, I am not wired that way.. I don't choose to be less intelligent , I do not have an automatic innate knowledge of many subjects.. it just is..
  Seriously folks who do this shaming need to check themselves. I am not saying people can't look at themselves realistically and gauge what is going on with their health or weight , (Behavior, eating habits , disease , side effects from Pharma etc). I am not advocating for idiot behavior and denial but I am just suggesting not to take on the blame of the world when the physical is "bigger" than what society thinks you should be. That's the lie! That's the shaming. Anyone can choose to eat healthier big or small , does not guarantee particular results. Be realistic , don't take on the weight of the world , eat healthy , move , and if it is a size 14 instead of a 10 then its OK... you aren't commiting a crime. Same for men too...
  I eat one meal a day with about 10 -12 hours of fasting in between due to my sleeplessness issues. I do not snack unless my blood sugar is low and then it is nuts or a clementine. I could allow myself to get depressed and easily snuggle up on the couch and make friends with a pint of Chunky Monkey but Ben and Jerry do not enter my freezer . So I am choosing not get bigger , attempting to maintain at this point. I don't rule out ever losing weight but I don't think it will be my "choice" , something will happen to shift it one way or another.
  If I could choose I wouldn't be this particular size, so please people do NOT tell me that I choose this or am doing it to myself. One week in my shoes and guaranteed these types would shut up for once.

 #fatactivism #bbw #fat #rants #essays #bbwbloggers #fatblog #nofatshamingallowed #sizism #angry #fatshaming #blaming #fatissues #weightissues