I feel that there is no escape. Being a big girl in this society is difficult. OK let us use the word "fat". Just get it out in the open. I have looked for support in various ways: plus sized events, fat activism, size positive publications, websites, nothing seems to help.

  I fit in nowhere. And when I read articles about other woman's road to self- acceptance I become envious. How do they do it? Is it just some delusion they are immersing themselves into or can I experience this too?

 Ideally I would like to march in a huge NAAFA parade, educate people and be the best fat activist I can be. And I think it’s the right thing to do. There is an endless list of injustices out there when it comes to weight, more so now than ever. And really it isn’t about the health. I hate when it gets painted up as a health issue.

 Late arrival for me, I am not there yet, I am angry, I can and will say things in defense of fat rights. I have my hot buttons. But I know I’d be a sell- out if I said “I am a fat activist”, after all the stuff I’ve had to deal with if someone said you can press this button and be a size 2 would you do it? I’d say yes. And knowing this shames me.

 This decision would not be made because I think a size 2 is superior it would merely stem from social laziness. A huge desire to simply “Left alone” .  It is exhausting being different, being different and fat….. I may have run out of steam.

Only time will tell. But at this late middle age I doubt it will sink in. I suspect old habits die hard for me. I can’t get over the hurdle of the looks, the shock, the pointing everywhere I go. The assumptions, the people who act supportive and then with their second face make me their own private giggle fest

 It’s not paranoia, I think people are just trained to hate on anyone considered overweight. For now I’ll try and go forward and try not to smash the cell phone belonging to the next moron that takes a picture of me as amusement as I walk by.

 Branches by Cyni Poeti copyright 1/20/2021

The bleeding is very adult in its' exposures

Running through this crowd of naked women

The abandoned suitcases of swamp water bled into

The winter trees slender of the emotions

She always possessed and suffered

Each thorn a bullet list to her heart

Dead leaves her crown of brown disease

A soulful excrement at the bottom of a forgotten list

His eyes witness a snowy glimmer and dance within the blue blustery wind 

In the perfection of false promises shaped like a "V"

Shiny moving pictures of flesh and drunken emptiness

24 "inches of acceptance vomit into her mouth

Waist cinchers of rejection screaming into her imperfections

The moon glistens it's secretive drama across frozen throats

Words in shadows that fade to nothing

#originalpoetry #poems #lovesucks #words #poem #poets #writing 

 Sometimes I just don't have physical energy to accomplish much even though under lockdown I do have the time to complete projects. I find myself wasting time or poking around the internet after Netflix flatlines my adrenaline.

 So I downloaded Tik Tok.. After all what is the buzz all about? I see many video clips of young ladies dancing and singing , celebrating themselves which I loved. Then there was the darker side Trans or gay teens not being accepted by their family, of ladies suffering with PCOS , defending themselves for not being thin. There are many videos about bullying. People just fighting for their right to "exist".  

Sad that for the these teens that Fat and Ugly are often still synonymous. And I thought to myself I'd most likely have to add a hashtag #oldergenerationtiktok or something similar to anything I post. 

So now that I am almost out of my 40's.. there is a new one added to my bad days , gremlins filled,  low self esteem trick bag. 

 Old and Ugly. That is often synonymous to many people also.

What connects all of this nonsense?! FEAR?! Change? Lack of control? Imagined expectations. 

 While I have seasoned  my fat girl emotions. The aging thing is peeking in on me. I will be 50 in December , some will say I still have my youth ,  the younger generation will think I am ancient. I don't know where 50 leaves me honestly. I suppose it depends on how long this journey here on earth  is going to last for me this time around. I may have only one more chapter left or maybe 2.  Only time will tell. 

 But honestly no one ever knows how long we are going to be here.  Why we need to cherish every day, tell people we love them while we still can . Show our affections and share our stories to benefit others.  I plan on sharing some stories eventually , it scares me, I don't want to look foolish , I know people will judge or leave hater comments at some point but that doesn't matter if I help even one young lady.

 I suppose I'll go down my reasoning check list about aging as I did with the weight.

1. Does it make me less of a person. No.

2. Do I have less to offer others? No.

3. Is it merely opinion and or fear? Yes

 And so on. The fear of fat is fear of death ( because of the health scares and stereotypes). And Aging is just more fear , that one simply can't be attractive or healthy anymore etc. Many older folk are in great shape. And beauty is in the eye in the beholder. I see beauty everywhere not only in youth. I can see the story of someone's life in the lines of their face like natures poetry and find it glorious and elegant. I love silvery locks of hair as it glistens in the sun. 

 Most of all I love a good story! I soak in webs of words as if it were the skin lotion of the universe.  I want to go where I haven't been before through someone else's eyes. This gives it an authenticity and inspiration I could never read about otherwise. I often find others stories exhilarating. If you travelled the world or went to CBGB's back in the day tell me all about it , lets sit down for a cup of coffee for a few hours and bond. Bring it all back to life for me I'll be ever so grateful.

But true to form I am my own worst enemy .  I find myself looking in the mirror wondering how much laundry I can fit into the bags under my eyes. I pull my skin back and see the aging threatening to come to the surface, I count the scars on my chin from PCOS acne. I see wrinkles and dark circles under my eyes. My back isn't what it used to be. And I know healthcare won't ever save me.

  So as I try to adjust to my new check box of 50 years old and over .. please love yourselves . Be healthy , pinch an inch ( or not) , let the silver in your hair glow like a halo for all you have to offer the world in your gathered wisdom. And Remember we all have worth, we are all here for a specific purpose. There is NO Old and ugly or fat and ugly some bully made it all up one day. In a time of supposed political correctness the age and size isms slip under the door. Maybe it is simply because in the feared rejection they make some serious money off of these ideas selling endless products and services. Maybe it goes much deeper. Either way we ALL have something to offer. We should never feel like we have to fight criticism or ourselves to offer what we have to the world. Shake your talent booty!

I now worry about how I will even take care of myself in the future. But it is all fear based. I could get lucky and slip on a rainbow,  life is unpredictable like that. 

#tiktok #blogging #bloggers #PCOS #pcosawareness #nobullying #bullyingsucks #agism #sizism #weightissues #writers #essays #

Shout out to AURISSY ! This top is awesome! Hard to find good quality plus sizes that fit. Usually I have to sew the shoulders or have trouble with the hips area but this top fits perfectly and it's a size 28W~! I love the colors and fit. It's machine washable which is good , but I will hand wash to play it safe. The colors are super fun but it comes in solids too.

#AURISSY #bbw #plussize #pearshaped #plussizefashions #plussizes #bodypositivity #PCOS #retailtherapy #size28w #4x #tiedye #tiedyetops  

 https://www.amazon.com/s?rh=n%3A7141123011%2Cp_4%3AAURISSY&ref=bl_sl_s_ap_web_7141123011

 Poem by me- Cyni Poeti copyright 2020

Title: Dead Until She remembers

Diamonds of ocean waves are simply ghosts of him

Winds of horror cannot deter her

Dilapidated housing for the heart , screams no

The loyalty is true under the violent threats

His disdain is her mirror of flaws

And in the no of life

She faces the wall of self

Unwanted broken branches in the silence of apathy

In all the grief and bleeding the boredom of existence

This Is all she has under the colors of the soul

As they are mixed to mud by control

Universal umbrella of pleasing and stabbings

And in her respect

She still brushes against him in a soft whisper of humiliation and loyalty.

She witnesses his enjoyment , the flesh of others in a window of illusion

The box of apparitions sent to sea

A graveyard mocks her as she flies over the fractured clouds

This broken sun waits to melt the moon and all its glory

All the bleeding was to train her

For the importance of her emptiness

without her heart

And the wasted youth in her knowledge of doors closed

Running across the bridge of emotional beatings

Landing on the projection of mouth

She's his eternal band aid

Timeless battles secrets of broken pieces and war

A love of eternal beauty wrapped into terrors of the veins

Land under her feet , grounding her in the wind of an Empress

 #poetry #originalpoetry #poems #poets

 Looking at the one thing that you think is ruining your life will stop you from seeing the rainbow coming. Don't limit yourself. Learn from mistakes forgive people and move on. Don't cower in fear.

Most things that I was afraid of never , ever happened.

Be happy and move forward! Don't limit yourself in any way! I see a new emergence of stronger people especially ladies. Feel empowered... you are the power. Keep your motivation high.

Always remember that things change . What looks like rubbish to you now may be THE cherished pivoting moment in your memory bank in the future that drives you to the success and love you want to manifest in your life. #motivation #selflove #spirituality

 Clothing that reflects who you are and your message is very important. With PCOS it's even harder sizing issues , staining issues I am afraid to wear anything pale below the waist! and on it goes... etc. I have been putting my life together and noticed the clothes I wear have a history I no longer want to be a part of. I don't want the memories attached to them. I can't afford to replace my wardrobe but dad bought me some dresses to perk me up self esteem wise so I can shed the old fabrics that depress me. I don't want to look in the mirror and remember the last time I wore something was when someone died or how depressed and trapped I felt the last time I wore this or that. I have no one to share myself with... but it's by choice. And I am learning that self care is ok after years of giving myself the back seat and later suffering for it. Now I give myself a facial or say no when I need to.

I've never been a materialistic labels type of girl and I never will be. It's not me. Money isn't everything like the great Cyndi Lauper sings. But I do have a need to be artistic and comfortable. Even doing DIY with older garments didn't appeal to me as the fabrics would still be stuck energy in the past. I want new shiny energy that doesn't bog me down.

Luckily it's near Halloween and big sale prices. LoL . I feel more comfortable in mystical skull printed dresses than oversized stretch pants... those age me and make me feel ugly. I want the outside to reflect the inside ... let the energy flow. I love blue I love pink and purple... color always feels new to me as I always dress in black for the most part. But I need this color to shine and break out of the darkness... it's time to take on the light. I was looking inside but neglecting the outside . .. same goes for eating right and trying to be healthier which has been a wash under Covid...

But it's time to grow up yet still be me. Here's to a spring in my step as I move into feeling like myself again and not leftovers from sadness and lost wasted years.

#movingon #fashion #bbw #pcos #pcosissues #plussize #dresses #closetoverhaul #cleaning #movingupwards #awakening #growingup #comfort