Lately mortality has been on my mind. I waver between apathy and panic. As we all know times goes by too fast most days. If history repeats itself I may only have 5 or 7 years left. Many women in my family died within these age groups of cancer. I don't want to lose old friends again. I look at older members of my family and wonder how long they will be here.  Although I know I could go before them, age does not determine fate. There is no control. No one survives, no amount of supplements or self care can save us. So enter the apathy.
  I have no in between lately.. I am overly emotional or flat.
 I care too much or not at all.
And there is the roller coaster of relationships. The people you carry within you everywhere, the long time friendships , the in between and the ones you love  but they wouldn't care if you got hit by a bus ( Hey it happens).
 How does one sort it all out? Blocking things out doesn't work , it only comes back like an out of control freight train. I wonder if anyone else sits and thinks of death the way I do.
I do believe in an afterlife and that we come here more than once. However I don't "know" so maybe the inkling of doubt has me thinking this is the last time you'll see them.. and anxiety puts its ugly foot in the door.
Does my mother look down on me in disgust? She can see all my jagged bits. Giving years to depression instead of fighting it and moving on. Although it never seemed to be a choice to me.
 I want to spend more time with my father , lately there is nothing to say. I feel as if I have hours of screaming stuck in my throat that I cannot share. So then I feel guilty for wasting precious time with him. Despite guilt I can't find my footing on the way back to the closeness we once had. His critical nature originates in the basket of "worry" yet it makes me cringe. I hear "Idiot" , "Ugly" and "Freak" in the back of my head even when it wasn't said. I just can't control the things he wants to be controlled. It is all said with love , but a love that hits me like a baseball bat across the back of the head.
 I overshare , I say odd things, I intuit things I shouldn't know. I am the poster-girl of "awkward". I feel like I am standing on the head of a pin sometimes , it is intense and scary for me. All in all I guess it is just me , my weird journey. We all have to live by who we are and our truths with as much care to others as possible.
Sometimes I want to selfishly go first, I don't want to be the last one standing  after watching my loved ones go one after one.
So Mom , family , friends, all of the people that touched my life and are gone. I'll be there to greet you one day. I'll stay here for now til my path ends. I'll sit in my panic flat-lining way of dealing with this until it is my time. And when I go I can nod to my mortality. #mortality #death #grieving #grief #blogging #essays

  As Tuesday was already spent trying to sleep while my mind kept going on its own crazy train of regrets. It is Wednesday already and I should know better but here I am again. I  opened my eyes and to my detriment my closet doors are one huge mirrored wall. More than enough to see my imperfections in the glow of daylight as it invades my window.  The mirror screams to me of where everything went wrong.  The damn P.C.O.S. it bleeds into everything.
 But here I am on repeat in the same depressive funk. There are no answers , this is what brings the sadness down on me the most. Friends offer possible cures or supplements or paths I can take. It doesn't change the past or my body or my present. Swimming in oatmeal has become my life in this past year. I try to soar and fall into a mushy breakfast cereal of muck with my clipped wings. I swear I can hear the world laughing , I guess I never did get over bad experiences in gym class. Pathetic , as I am 47 and still thinking of high school humiliations.
 I experience PCOS rip my body apart daily , and lend its' hand to other ailments like a domino effect down into a hellish inferno. Yet everyone offers "cures" for my ills and body shape as if with the flick of a switch I can become thin and erase acne, anxiety , mood swings, and non stop female troubles. I get weary from trying to figure out the unknown odd blips of body issues followed by edema.
Apparently the most offensive is the weight. I could have been suicidal for years but I'd better get rid of the weight first and foremost. After all it offends the eyes apparently. That is the message I often receive from others. 

I can control my weight just like people can control their height. And despite my gripes I am much healthier than some other people I have seen.
Being used to accepting less than what I want has been standard for many years. When I can't reach a small goal after time and effort I become depressed as I think to myself " Haven't I lowered the bar enough yet?!"   or " Just exactly how low does this bar have to get?!" .  I can accept I'll never be a supermodel.. but can I at least not have to diet to not gain weight?!  I spend my life eating things I don't like in hopes to crash the barrier of fat to average only to be called names . Most people wrongly assume the stereotypes are in well working order here , but they are not. Would I have to remove my lungs to go down enough sizes and be at least a BBW plus size woman rather that a borderline SSBBW?! And since when do I not exist? I AM here despite my size.
 I just want some control. Heck I would settle for the illusion of control at this point. I give my life to the Universe and wait. Unfortunately I then backtrack with my endless need for the control and impatience.  So maybe I am not on the edge solely due to my horrible physique or my life choices.  This is the surface every day stuff that gets to me .. These are the obvious in my face issues. Home stuff, relationship crazies, PCOS, unrequited love, lost chances , regrets , heartbreak, two faced friends I still spin in shock about  ..just  everyday "brain salad" things. These are the razors on my psyche. But it is too obvious...
So I dig deeper this afternoon .. it is also life itself.  The fear of the unknown and a knowing that I can't steer the boat to where I feel safe all the time. It is a lack of trust  , a bitterness at the mirror and its truths. A misdirection ,  occasionally a knowingness that no one else can see . The path I  choose to take may lead me into more emotional car accidents and mistakes that never end and become a soulless punishment of human error.
I just don't feel "safe" .
Illuminating word for today....  Safety.