The Hormonal Umbrella

 Lately mortality has been on my mind. I waver between apathy and panic. As we all know times goes by too fast most days. If history repeats itself I may only have 5 or 7 years left. Many women in my family died within these age groups of cancer. I don't want to lose old friends again. I look at older members of my family and wonder how long they will be here.  Although I know I could go before them, age does not determine fate. There is no control. No one survives, no amount of supplements or self care can save us. So enter the apathy.
  I have no in between lately.. I am overly emotional or flat.
 I care too much or not at all.
And there is the roller coaster of relationships. The people you carry within you everywhere, the long time friendships , the in between and the ones you love  but they wouldn't care if you got hit by a bus ( Hey it happens).
 How does one sort it all out? Blocking things out doesn't work , it only comes back like an out of control freight train. I wonder if anyone else sits and thinks of death the way I do.
I do believe in an afterlife and that we come here more than once. However I don't "know" so maybe the inkling of doubt has me thinking this is the last time you'll see them.. and anxiety puts its ugly foot in the door.
Does my mother look down on me in disgust? She can see all my jagged bits. Giving years to depression instead of fighting it and moving on. Although it never seemed to be a choice to me.
 I want to spend more time with my father , lately there is nothing to say. I feel as if I have hours of screaming stuck in my throat that I cannot share. So then I feel guilty for wasting precious time with him. Despite guilt I can't find my footing on the way back to the closeness we once had. His critical nature originates in the basket of "worry" yet it makes me cringe. I hear "Idiot" , "Ugly" and "Freak" in the back of my head even when it wasn't said. I just can't control the things he wants to be controlled. It is all said with love , but a love that hits me like a baseball bat across the back of the head.
 I overshare , I say odd things, I intuit things I shouldn't know. I am the poster-girl of "awkward". I feel like I am standing on the head of a pin sometimes , it is intense and scary for me. All in all I guess it is just me , my weird journey. We all have to live by who we are and our truths with as much care to others as possible.
Sometimes I want to selfishly go first, I don't want to be the last one standing  after watching my loved ones go one after one.
So Mom , family , friends, all of the people that touched my life and are gone. I'll be there to greet you one day. I'll stay here for now til my path ends. I'll sit in my panic flat-lining way of dealing with this until it is my time. And when I go I can nod to my mortality. #mortality #death #grieving #grief #blogging #essays