But here I am on repeat in the same depressive funk. There are no answers , this is what brings the sadness down on me the most. Friends offer possible cures or supplements or paths I can take. It doesn't change the past or my body or my present. Swimming in oatmeal has become my life in this past year. I try to soar and fall into a mushy breakfast cereal of muck with my clipped wings. I swear I can hear the world laughing , I guess I never did get over bad experiences in gym class. Pathetic , as I am 47 and still thinking of high school humiliations.
I experience PCOS rip my body apart daily , and lend its' hand to other ailments like a domino effect down into a hellish inferno. Yet everyone offers "cures" for my ills and body shape as if with the flick of a switch I can become thin and erase acne, anxiety , mood swings, and non stop female troubles. I get weary from trying to figure out the unknown odd blips of body issues followed by edema.
Apparently the most offensive is the weight. I could have been suicidal for years but I'd better get rid of the weight first and foremost. After all it offends the eyes apparently. That is the message I often receive from others.
I can control my weight just like people can control their height. And despite my gripes I am much healthier than some other people I have seen.
Being used to accepting less than what I want has been standard for many years. When I can't reach a small goal after time and effort I become depressed as I think to myself " Haven't I lowered the bar enough yet?!" or " Just exactly how low does this bar have to get?!" . I can accept I'll never be a supermodel.. but can I at least not have to diet to not gain weight?! I spend my life eating things I don't like in hopes to crash the barrier of fat to average only to be called names . Most people wrongly assume the stereotypes are in well working order here , but they are not. Would I have to remove my lungs to go down enough sizes and be at least a BBW plus size woman rather that a borderline SSBBW?! And since when do I not exist? I AM here despite my size.
I just want some control. Heck I would settle for the illusion of control at this point. I give my life to the Universe and wait. Unfortunately I then backtrack with my endless need for the control and impatience. So maybe I am not on the edge solely due to my horrible physique or my life choices. This is the surface every day stuff that gets to me .. These are the obvious in my face issues. Home stuff, relationship crazies, PCOS, unrequited love, lost chances , regrets , heartbreak, two faced friends I still spin in shock about ..just everyday "brain salad" things. These are the razors on my psyche. But it is too obvious...
So I dig deeper this afternoon .. it is also life itself. The fear of the unknown and a knowing that I can't steer the boat to where I feel safe all the time. It is a lack of trust , a bitterness at the mirror and its truths. A misdirection , occasionally a knowingness that no one else can see . The path I choose to take may lead me into more emotional car accidents and mistakes that never end and become a soulless punishment of human error.
I just don't feel "safe" .
Illuminating word for today.... Safety.
Being used to accepting less than what I want has been standard for many years. When I can't reach a small goal after time and effort I become depressed as I think to myself " Haven't I lowered the bar enough yet?!" or " Just exactly how low does this bar have to get?!" . I can accept I'll never be a supermodel.. but can I at least not have to diet to not gain weight?! I spend my life eating things I don't like in hopes to crash the barrier of fat to average only to be called names . Most people wrongly assume the stereotypes are in well working order here , but they are not. Would I have to remove my lungs to go down enough sizes and be at least a BBW plus size woman rather that a borderline SSBBW?! And since when do I not exist? I AM here despite my size.
I just want some control. Heck I would settle for the illusion of control at this point. I give my life to the Universe and wait. Unfortunately I then backtrack with my endless need for the control and impatience. So maybe I am not on the edge solely due to my horrible physique or my life choices. This is the surface every day stuff that gets to me .. These are the obvious in my face issues. Home stuff, relationship crazies, PCOS, unrequited love, lost chances , regrets , heartbreak, two faced friends I still spin in shock about ..just everyday "brain salad" things. These are the razors on my psyche. But it is too obvious...
So I dig deeper this afternoon .. it is also life itself. The fear of the unknown and a knowing that I can't steer the boat to where I feel safe all the time. It is a lack of trust , a bitterness at the mirror and its truths. A misdirection , occasionally a knowingness that no one else can see . The path I choose to take may lead me into more emotional car accidents and mistakes that never end and become a soulless punishment of human error.
I just don't feel "safe" .
Illuminating word for today.... Safety.
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