Being the defeated perfectionist that I am with control issues ( You'd never think this to look at me huh??!!) . Under this staying home thing I am giving myself permission to just "be". And all of you should too! No more negative self talk stealing your lives!!! Read on and do not do what I've done ,.. well all my life... ;/
I fall under the stereotypes of excess and artsy rebellion.
 Misconceptions being:
 1. Fat =  Lazy and sitting on the couch eating enough chips to pass on acne conditions and muffin tops to the universe.  ( Fact: I think I need to be a rigid swimsuit model advertisement in my damaged pre teen self esteem , it's my monster , thus " Why try too hard?! It's NEVER gonna happen" attitude as in I am never gonna be "approved of" .
  Facing the fact that I could get 20,0000000 worth of surgery and still look nasty to myself and the media soaked world.. that the fear others have of my getting heart disease one day is nothing compared to the disease in my head that tells me "why bother  ,you'll never  be pretty enough". Women especially have to  go through a check list of "perfection" of what we are supposed to be... so the defeated perfectionist in me.. was always why bother.... and PCOS NEVER helped! ( another rant for another time. ;p ) *(* fat does NOT mean binge eating for all! That IS a stereotype. Nor is fat "lazy" & stupid!)
2: I am "weird" (non conformist/ goth, punk, perennial teeny bopper) and must be "good" at art or be an intellectual like many Cure fans are.... Fact:  I can barely draw a stick figure and my academic Olympics are forever in the trash can. My memory sucks! But I am giving myself permission to be an "imperfect" artist and use my heart to guide me to inspirational projects and to FINALLY work on my oracle deck that I want to make. I am allowing myself to attempt to study some subject now even if I have to keep notes!
 And for years it was.. "why bother" , everyone is "better" "prettier" blah bah.
Someone always be "better" , "faster" "more".  But no one else will be me. I have a hard time thinking anyone gives a rats *ass or will miss me when I do drop dead one day but it's the process I have to jump over. The way my brain works...
 So my biggest lesson thus far staying home is.. "To give myself permission" and really do it. Not just want it to be. To allow myself to complete projects. Write with terrible penmanship and run on sentences and misspellings and flap my angel wings , saggy arms...to scribble in colored pencil with no eraser!
 It's about being creative and healthy. Not being perfect. I knew this for awhile but this time indoors is putting up the NEON sign so I can't ignore it..
Maybe this message will sink in this time , I can be slow.... I have the message however the scared self defeated control freak in me is screaming that I am ugly and never enough and it's exactly WHY I will die alone buried by unused art supplies. My craft hoard falling down on me one day an unexpected acrylic paints driven demise. Only to be toe tagged #aloneforeverbecauseofimperfection... 
People have "choices" in life and I was never and will never be "it" as far as my brain tells me. I need to drop this and know that using my acrylics on a project that isn't "great" is OK. I can use it as an "exercise" in creativity , that I don't have to do the Mona Lisa. That exercising so I don't feel like a wheat bag instead of having more energy is just fine. That it's ok I don't morph into one of those ads that haunt me as the reality for others but not me.
 It's ok to be fat and move around
It's ok to draw and not be amazing
It's not OK to paint yourself in a corner and let your soul die because of defeated perfectionist thinking.
  Defeated perfectionism is a tendency for some people to want such "perfection" in many aspects of their lives if not everything they do, all the while knowing they can never  ever achieve their unrealistic expectations. Thus many do not try at all , appearing unmotivated or uninspired when it is quite the opposite.
 The illusion of control is always a killer. I have done so much less in my life because of "fear" or control issues ,  Assuming I wasn't "enough" because anything I did couldn't be perfect.  But maybe I would have been "perfect' in someone's eyes or in some project somewhere , but I never gave myself a chance.
This is a call for all of you to give yourself the chance don't slam the doors in your own face. I am even allowing myself to cook , seems safer now , less leaving the house. I turned one pot roast into a science experiment , but it's ok We chopped it up and fried it in butter to be served with eggs ( zero carb-ish) . I made a Chicken Marsala today that turned into more of creamy mushrooms bath. But it's ok, I am learning. I have to release control. If I let myself think it had to be perfect I could have gone out to get food and made someone sick. If I had listened to my inner defeated perfectionist my dad would be hungry and maybe sick... so release on this control thing has been OK after all.
 As my anxiety shakes and my inner dialogue flogs my inner damaged teddy bear of a self esteem.
 I have been braver the past few years, spilling about the deepest life long emotions that about kill me ( still do, OMG talk about bravery!!) . Saying goodbye when I feared the dying alone toe tag.
I need to keep my big girl panties up and walk down some new paths.
So everyone "DO" don't "overthink".

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My heart goes out to all people suffering loss or sickness during this trying time. I have been reading endless opinions on the pandemic. Everything from political agendas to God punishing us. For me it is what it is, facts are facts. But on a spiritual level... let’s say this can be utilized as a wake up call for many us.

 Not in a bad karma way, but in a "time" way. Many of us have "time" back. ( Sending love and respect to any workers and helpers still out there!!!). This time can be dark or bright, or simply a mirroring of what our lives have become.

 I had joked with my father that I was glad we get along so well as this is going to make or break quite a few relationships. Many of us may see the dark side to people in such a close non stop bonding. Some of us will simply notice that the person they are with is all wrong for them.

 Others will grow closer and be amazed at how loving and supportive their mates truly are. In this close proximity we will get the chance to KNOW one another all over again, to get the answers to the questions we have had and never had time to ask because the alarm clock was summoning us. Family can become strained or be a complete joy. I encourage everyone to listen and try to put themselves in one another’s shoes. None of us asked for this, it just “IS”.

 There will be discoveries. Good and bad. We can all sit in separate rooms and avoid one another, or we can have a family night and watch TV with whatever snack we could scrounge up be it mangoes or popcorn and snuggle on the couch. We have CHOICES to be patient, kind and civil. We can make this quality time or fighting time. (Pillow fights are recommended) .

 I met a woman stuck with an abusive man during this. She had no one to turn to, and by spending so much time with him his true colors were no longer sliding under the “I’ll make excuses for him again” door that so many people love to decorate their house of denial with. His faults are no longer vague mishaps swept under the rug of low self esteem. They are sitting on her couch eating the last of her food and calling her names… while texting other women.  

 Why should she have felt so badly?! It was him not her. I offered advice, no one knows if it was taken. But it got me to thinking of the darker side of change. We all have a fear, and ending is a death of sorts and a chapter “closing”. But there is a rebirth with the power of our minds. I told her she has the power. We all do. If something is abusive, or simply bad for us we can change things in our life. We can think outside the box. Not everything can change overnight, and sometimes the trials of life in transition take longer than expected. Or it is like a rotting tooth and the infection has to just be pulled. We can sit in swill or we can plan out lives! In any account where the unkind are "found out", or the last shred of love falls to the floor in a big thud as one realizes it is “over” . Maybe some people will have the awareness it is time to move on due to this learning curve in the future. As the saying goes " There are no mistakes" this time to reflect will bring out who we are if we grow and what we need to change. I don’t think it was a mistake we met. I told her my story… we all have a story. Hopefully she can learn from my mistakes of putting up with too much and save herself the agony. Learning how to let go and not cling while facing a blank note and swimming in self-hatred wasn’t easy but I am still standing.  

 In this time we can rediscover who we are, and be kind to ourselves. Change the record as I say. Turn negative beliefs into positive dreams. Some people have to (simply and bluntly said here) “Get out of their own way”, erase terrible patterns. If something hasn’t worked in 10 years it might be time to re-think things. Many people succeed in life not because they are the “chosen few” but because they don’t suffer from self-induced blockage. They went out in the world and knew what they deserved, and loved themselves and went for it. I am not saying anyone trying will have instant success, everyone has an unfulfilled dream that is life. But we have to TRY and believe in ourselves. We have to say we tried. I see so many beautiful people beaten by others words. Why I hate bullying so much, a simple sentence can become an unhealthy inner dialogue in adulthood causing so much of the “blockage”

 Somewhere, somehow, the memo’s got tainted and many people came to think of it as selfish or some kind of sin to love ourselves. NO! (I am one to talk … trust me, no one is more brutal on me than myself, not saying it is easy, just a necessary path!). We must all love ourselves, have self respect and set boundaries. We can’t let people abuse us just because they think they are erasing it all with an “I love you”, or we feel obligated etc. Words are cheap. Actions speak louder than words. A narcissist always survives, don’t they just move on and commonly feed off of others?!

 In any account where the unkind are "found out", or the last shred of love falls to the floor in a big thud as one realizes it is “over” . Maybe some people will have to move on due to this learning curve in the future. As the saying goes " There are no mistakes" this time to reflect will bring out who we are if we grow. 

 Because to me this is all a spiritual wake up call. We are "learning". We can exercise in nature, we can paint, journal, draw, meditate, write , dance, sing, We can help our neighbors or donate food we do not need. We can be ourselves again on so many levels. Find out who we are artistically as well as get in touch with our own humanity. We can shed the skin of abuse and be amazed at the beauty we have in life and all it has to offer. Open our eyes to what life has been and what it can become. This is our time. We can’t control what is going on out there barring “staying home” and following guidelines on preventative care. But we can benefit from this time in so many ways we can bond, learn, give love, release and let go. Cherish the love we have and the irreplaceable people that make our lives pure joy. We can listen. To ourselves and others.

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