The Hormonal Umbrella

Being the defeated perfectionist that I am with control issues ( You'd never think this to look at me huh??!!) . Under this staying home thing I am giving myself permission to just "be". And all of you should too! No more negative self talk stealing your lives!!! Read on and do not do what I've done ,.. well all my life... ;/
I fall under the stereotypes of excess and artsy rebellion.
 Misconceptions being:
 1. Fat =  Lazy and sitting on the couch eating enough chips to pass on acne conditions and muffin tops to the universe.  ( Fact: I think I need to be a rigid swimsuit model advertisement in my damaged pre teen self esteem , it's my monster , thus " Why try too hard?! It's NEVER gonna happen" attitude as in I am never gonna be "approved of" .
  Facing the fact that I could get 20,0000000 worth of surgery and still look nasty to myself and the media soaked world.. that the fear others have of my getting heart disease one day is nothing compared to the disease in my head that tells me "why bother  ,you'll never  be pretty enough". Women especially have to  go through a check list of "perfection" of what we are supposed to be... so the defeated perfectionist in me.. was always why bother.... and PCOS NEVER helped! ( another rant for another time. ;p ) *(* fat does NOT mean binge eating for all! That IS a stereotype. Nor is fat "lazy" & stupid!)
2: I am "weird" (non conformist/ goth, punk, perennial teeny bopper) and must be "good" at art or be an intellectual like many Cure fans are.... Fact:  I can barely draw a stick figure and my academic Olympics are forever in the trash can. My memory sucks! But I am giving myself permission to be an "imperfect" artist and use my heart to guide me to inspirational projects and to FINALLY work on my oracle deck that I want to make. I am allowing myself to attempt to study some subject now even if I have to keep notes!
 And for years it was.. "why bother" , everyone is "better" "prettier" blah bah.
Someone always be "better" , "faster" "more".  But no one else will be me. I have a hard time thinking anyone gives a rats *ass or will miss me when I do drop dead one day but it's the process I have to jump over. The way my brain works...
 So my biggest lesson thus far staying home is.. "To give myself permission" and really do it. Not just want it to be. To allow myself to complete projects. Write with terrible penmanship and run on sentences and misspellings and flap my angel wings , saggy arms...to scribble in colored pencil with no eraser!
 It's about being creative and healthy. Not being perfect. I knew this for awhile but this time indoors is putting up the NEON sign so I can't ignore it..
Maybe this message will sink in this time , I can be slow.... I have the message however the scared self defeated control freak in me is screaming that I am ugly and never enough and it's exactly WHY I will die alone buried by unused art supplies. My craft hoard falling down on me one day an unexpected acrylic paints driven demise. Only to be toe tagged #aloneforeverbecauseofimperfection... 
People have "choices" in life and I was never and will never be "it" as far as my brain tells me. I need to drop this and know that using my acrylics on a project that isn't "great" is OK. I can use it as an "exercise" in creativity , that I don't have to do the Mona Lisa. That exercising so I don't feel like a wheat bag instead of having more energy is just fine. That it's ok I don't morph into one of those ads that haunt me as the reality for others but not me.
 It's ok to be fat and move around
It's ok to draw and not be amazing
It's not OK to paint yourself in a corner and let your soul die because of defeated perfectionist thinking.
  Defeated perfectionism is a tendency for some people to want such "perfection" in many aspects of their lives if not everything they do, all the while knowing they can never  ever achieve their unrealistic expectations. Thus many do not try at all , appearing unmotivated or uninspired when it is quite the opposite.
 The illusion of control is always a killer. I have done so much less in my life because of "fear" or control issues ,  Assuming I wasn't "enough" because anything I did couldn't be perfect.  But maybe I would have been "perfect' in someone's eyes or in some project somewhere , but I never gave myself a chance.
This is a call for all of you to give yourself the chance don't slam the doors in your own face. I am even allowing myself to cook , seems safer now , less leaving the house. I turned one pot roast into a science experiment , but it's ok We chopped it up and fried it in butter to be served with eggs ( zero carb-ish) . I made a Chicken Marsala today that turned into more of creamy mushrooms bath. But it's ok, I am learning. I have to release control. If I let myself think it had to be perfect I could have gone out to get food and made someone sick. If I had listened to my inner defeated perfectionist my dad would be hungry and maybe sick... so release on this control thing has been OK after all.
 As my anxiety shakes and my inner dialogue flogs my inner damaged teddy bear of a self esteem.
 I have been braver the past few years, spilling about the deepest life long emotions that about kill me ( still do, OMG talk about bravery!!) . Saying goodbye when I feared the dying alone toe tag.
I need to keep my big girl panties up and walk down some new paths.
So everyone "DO" don't "overthink".

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