I find myself on an edge of indecision when it comes to plus size "characters" on television and in the movies. When I was newly and officially "Plus sized" there was no one to look up to really. Camryn Manheim ( totally rocks!) and Roseanne Barr were the biggest current popular women of size at the time.
 Thank God for Camryn .
 With the explosion of the size positivity movement I should be ecstatic. Body positively it awesome! It is necessary. Size activism has taken a wonderful turn. "We" are actively fighting for our rights! Someone is allowing us to be seen without it being the butt of the joke. Someone is allowing a character to say " I have worth" .
 Face it even Shallow Hal which supposedly had a "positive" message was rife with tasteless fat jokes. And I love Dawn French in the Vicar of Dibley but does she have to love chocolate that much?! For some reason I can't stand for the characters to be seen as eating machines or out of control emotional pizza magnets.
 Because frankly everyone eats. My mothers lifelong friend told me this story once. She was on a senior bus trip and they stopped along the way to partake in a favored ice cream establishment. The passengers got off the bus and into line for a cone on this hot summer day. ( Massachusetts can be humid sweat boasting sticky heat ) Her friend looked at the "overweight" lady  and said " Oh , as if she needs an ice cream" in judgement and disgust . To which my mothers friend turned and said "Well no one "Needs" an ice cream you have one because it is pleasurable , to cool yourself down". That shut the other woman up.  Which is my case in point... I really doubt any fat person eating chocolate is the sole supporter of the confectioners. All people enjoy a treat of some kind whether it be  a morsel of decadent chocolate or an afternoon of great sex. No one raises their hand when the question " Who wants to die having done nothing pleasurable in their life?" is asked . No one.. well maybe masochists. But what do they know about lifes' pleasures.
I praise Monique ,  Aidy Bryant , Rebel Wilson , Gabourey Sidibe , Queen Latifah , Octavia Spencer , Margo Martindale , Kathy Bates ( My heroine!) , Camryn Manheim , Melissa McCarthy , Chrissy Metz etc etc. I wish them all strong wonderful roles that break the stereotypes.
When I still see stereotypes slip into the writing in entertainment despite "the movement" I ponder.. I am not sure what side of the fence to be on. Should I just be grateful for any scrap of advancement at all after all these years ?!
  I think I do need to explore the changes some more. Want to be a BBW model? Well there is still an "ideal" rearing its ugly head or so it seems. I agree there is SSBBW , and variations of size that are appreciated. But the most "mainstream" or "approved" is big busted , curvy , young. There is maybe still a "preferred look" out there. What about larger ladies with small bustlines?! ( The only reason why I have a bust at all is because of my largess otherwise I am a dainty 36B on a good day in a vintage pointy bra!). And do the SSBBW's have to be considered a fetish ?! Do they deserve a lack of support because that is where the positivity movement ends with some people? Assumed health issues. I have heard people comment "Oh that's too big".
 Watching Shrill , my favorite part is when the main character fights with her boss about how since he is a gay man he should understand her position of fighting for her rights. He replies by saying he was " Born gay and she wasn't born fat" or something to that degree . Which brings me to a HUGE point and gripe of mine. I DO think being respectful to ALL people is always in order. I do not cherry pick who I think is "acceptable " ( Except for cruel small minded losers but that doesn't count , they are devils spawn).  Somehow the "fat people" aren't included in this politically correct movement because we "choose" this and "do it to ourselves" .  There is NO WAY anyone knows by looking at someone what causes their exterior to look a certain way. The fact is no one really knows what causes weight, science is starting to bite into ( pun not intended) some actual truths now with information on insulin resistance , sugar , gut bacteria, and candida overgrowth. But we don't KNOW the whole picture. If anyone KNEW weight loss programmes would be out of business in a week. People would be popping a magic pill to fix it all. This is an argument for another time but my point is despite this so called snuggly acceptance of embracing others... fat still falls under the radar.  Which makes me ask have we really learned anything at all? Have we truly advanced and become less savages of heart? Because a true awakening would mean that healthism is not ok , that assumptions and biased opinions are undesirable, that starving the fat kid at lunch is abuse and not "helping" him or her. This behavior is "ok" under the umbrella of perceived poor"health" . Despite the fact that we are ALL going to die.
 Important to note that I have poked fun at myself. I also have a few friends that tell some fat jokes but even though I jokingly them give my smoosh face when they do, I know them, I love them , they are good people. My "chosen family". I know they aren't being cruel just  being cheeky.I am not as oversensitive as I may seem in the above paragraphs. I can take a joke , just not a judgement as fact.
  I do try to eat healthy or find what works for me, I would prefer to be a smaller size. This does not make me a sell out, it is just my comfort level. I would still be writing this if I were thin because I believe in human rights. Granted if I were 105 lbs it would perhaps have less passion behind the words because being a larger person has made every sentence a scar at this point. I don't say these things in theory I say them from experience. We must all be respected and embraced for our journey fat , thin, short, tall, sad , happy. After all to quote the title of one of my favorite books " No One gets Out Alive".
  When it comes to media and a widespread panicky misinformed public opinion where kids will be exposed forming yet more "opinions" for the next generation. Lets not suggest fallacy as fact , lets not cherry pick or we will have yet another generation of ignorant kids chasing the fat kid home from school. I don't know about you but teen suicides don't make my day. Reading about a girl or boy who hung themselves after the relentless teasing at school reminds me that I HAVE to say everything because I have said so little for entirely too long. Present and future characters need to be ( and or stay ) strong , they need to be multi-dimentional. They need to be humanized and not criticized.
Write in , comment and give praise when a plus size character is written in a good light, cast your vote as I will mine. We can change the world one word at a time, one changed mind at a time.
#shrill # Thisisus #Plussizes #Bodypositivity #plussizeactresses #TV #movies #entertainment #plussizemovement  #writing #writers #AidyBryant #bodyissues #humanitarian #









  



 

 This is an important message. The link is from 2017 but the issues I still see every day.  Men DO get body shaming and suffer from eating disorders, perhaps in different ways but it happens. And these brave men standing up against this lousy behavior is NOT promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. No one knows what anyone does for does not do 100% of the time being "fat" does not make for an eating disorder, laziness, stupidity or failing morally.
Being concerned for health is quite often a politically correct veil for some people to hide behind , usually what they really mean is :
" I don't want to see you in a bathing suit and you offend me but I can't just call you a fat *ss or I'll be seen as a mean person... my reputation is at stake so I'll just veil it with seemingly well meaning diet tips". SOME people do care about health , many prefer to simply judge. ( Healthism) 
 There is no way anyone is inside someones body and knows if that person has an Endocrine disorder, Insulin resistance, Sleep apnea, Slow thyroid , Cushings, Candida overgrowth, Severe depression etc. Just because someone is fat does not miraculously make random people on the street diet experts and well educated doctors. And weight /looks aside, men get judged by money they make (or don't) , career choices,  by their height , age , style, the car they drive, how much hair is on their head. Unfair and ridiculous.
 Here is a secret folks... With all the social rules and marketing out there... Most of us are misinformed to the maximum on this. Because even when we think we know what matters , many of us are still affected by the brainwashing of media and popular opinion. Even in romantic relationships looks don't mean squat! Even when we think it's their appearance attracting us it is usually simply themselves, there is that certain something " pulling you in".
Attractiveness is a lovely addition to what you already have and share with someone. If it is the sole reason of an attraction why then it's lust. And lust can be very strong and pass for the real thing.. but it isn't. If you love someone it's their words and vibration that matter, it is their character. The things we can't easily see but always feel . If someone makes you feel this it is a gift. Close your eyes and "feel" what is out there your soulmate might be 100% opposite of anyone you'd ever be "attracted to" on a purely physical basis.
People are not categories. 
 Men don't need to marry a "pretty girl" and women don't need to hook themselves a "rich man" .. Hopefully the world is more evolved now than to spread this belief system any longer. It has already done too much damage. 
 So I say... everyone educate yourselves ... Stiv Bators was right " Truth is the sword of us all" .
Be mindful , educated , respectful and most of all patient and accepting. I am personally not coming from a place of self acceptance. This is a showing of my broken wings as they try to take flight out of the rubble of the word salad staining these feathers.  When I think of some things I gave up because I wasn't "good enough" or "pretty enough"... I am ashamed to have fallen for this belief system. It caused damage , but also NO ONE ever told me this all means nothing.. the looks , the curve of your belly , living on aspirin ( high school days! ) to try and be an acceptable size and therefore have an "acceptable life" is a joke.. No ONE said it's the soul that matters , it is the authenticity in which you live your life. It never occurred to me someone else may not care about any of my body image obsessions... that someone may see me as a person and not body parts. By then the damage was done I had to be perfect and many people reminded me I was not on a daily basis.
There is no money in letting people know it's the soul that matters. No commercial or magazine ever mentioned my soul , as a kid this got by me.
And my heart goes out to these men and all others with these body image and bullying experiences . Men aren't supposed to have body issues according to society. There is a shame on men for not falling into a stereotype ..  Who could these men have turned to?! Women can complain, men can't... or shouldn't in many eyes. Men with these issues must go through a lonliness that wreaks havoc on them.  After all those are "women's issues" . No they are human issues. The world is not as evolved as we think , so much to learn.
I have never had anyone tell me my aura was ugly. Just my physical.
 I know there ARE people out there with deep thinking families that have an EQ.... Yes! They may save us all. But I see too many beliefs that mean NOTHING become EVERYTHING to masses of people and it saddens me. So embrace your partners wrinkles , kiss them , celebrate them as they tell the story of their fabulous life. Squeeze the chubby tummy and crawl up to your bear and snuggle.
 Being emotionally healthy first will help balance any physical ailment, I truly believe this. Love , it's about love and energy and being "real". Not expecting the fantasy to come to life but acknowledging what we already have and seeing the beauty in the cracks, receding hairlines, curvy booties and crooked smiles that spark just the right twinkle when they smile.
 So this is spot on! Celebrate you and tell your story. HUMANIZE all of this. Again: We are not categories for people to accept or judge. We are all souls covered in flesh we all have our journey. Lets have our path teach and bring people together not break and tear down.
Let the mirror be just a reflection not a statement. Even if the judgements out there turn into a childlike curiosity it is such progress. Ask the questions , but refrain to announce to the world someone else;s story. Their shoes are not yours. The fat or the scar on their cheek is their book full of pages of pain and struggle and hopefully joy. But it is their story.
 So the next time someone raises their eyebrow at someone I encourage self reflection. Ask oneself WHY does this really matter , what are the true motives for what is gonna drop out of that mouth?! If it isn't to love , cherish , learn or teach then shut up... and fix oneself before others get broken.
Applause for these men!!!
#BHM #Thick #Bodypositivity #brut #Maleissues #Sizeaccpetance #Weightissues #Selfesteem #selfacceptance #Plussizes #Men #maleinterests #brutcalendar
https://www.facebook.com/brutamerica/videos/vb.1691667177798461/1837803026518208/?type=2&theater

Turning the pages 2019 by Cyni Poeti 
The rusty hinges on the book of life
Scratch against the innocent glass
Etching images of a mutilated rib cage
The art and shape of social tragedy
Witnessed by the emotional child
A pierced blood streaked heart
Dragging jagged fingernail lines
Sharp points that never dug in..
quite enough
Pages flutter like kites of regret outlining the wind of the earths breath
Cosmic missteps in timeless regrets
Each star in the sky is a razor in the mouth
The moon releases its' butterflies
With all the disease and color of the future.

#poetry #CyniPoeti #poems #gothicpoetry #darkpoetry

 Bullying is wrong we know it. A big kid picks on a little kid. The popular girls pick on the goth girls, the geek girls, the computer nerds etc. Skin color , sexual orientation, size , height ,  rich vs poor, style, book smarts, religion , cliques whatever it is that divides... The ignorance in time can maybe be tossed aside for just what it is kids being morons and cruel. Bullies show their weakness and fear through their actions. They run on fear and a need to control what they can't. And let us not forget jealousy... the victim often possesses something the tormentor lacks and knows it.
 Maybe some of the bullies grow up and were truly appalled at what jerks they indeed were and later apologize at a High School reunion. Well good for them to fess up and grow , however it doesn't erase the damage.  A step in the right direction after the rubble they left behind.
Not everyone gets bullied ,  and not everyone feels the same about it. But here for me this is my story and I know I am not alone. I know this happens to many of us odd little ducklings...
 What I find most curious is most people do not cover the lasting effects of these behaviors. How a few words can remain an ice pick at the back of your head 30 years later . Opinions from a child should not have any bearing on adulthood decision making processes , but it does.  The remaining High School challenges and tragedies often spill into the present and future. A subconscious belief system built on fallacy that is geared to fail.
 My unappreciative schoolmates in kindergarten introduced me to my flaws.  I had dark circles under my eyes. Feel free to blame thin skin, my Italian heritage or the scary UFO's I swore were in the back yard. Regardless I was teased and told that "I needed make up" , was "ugly" . The teachers were concerned that " I needed sleep" and "Wasn't getting enough rest".
 I just have a natural Beetlejuice Winona Ryder look folks. The one day I ran for the bus and got to class by the skin of my teeth sans make up!! I was caught by the rabid dog of skin tone judgments. This issue went on years later as a pretty blonde girl yelled loudly in Home Economics class  " No offense but you look dead without make up" .    I felt stung as if a bee went to town on my spine.  You can bet I was the Lydia Lunch inspired L'oreal fed red lipstick pancake powdered girl the rest of that week.
  I am still sensitive to this day and hate not wearing make up. ( Desert heat & Insomnia is now plaguing this issue even more. Try wearing heavy eyeliner and not having it run in 120 heat! ( I don't care if the label states waterproof it will slide on down your face like a run in a stocking on prom night) .
 I was always the last one picked for gym class, they actually aimed at my head with the volleyball  and teachers did nothing. Class teams  would fight about who got "stuck" with me in front of the entire gymnasium. Being the"weirdo" ( By then I was the punk popster goth girl wearing black and occasional neon) .
 I'd stand in the narrow aisle of the bus and panic knowing the bus driver would not move until I was seated and knowing the kids would move over to the edge of their seats to avoid giving me one of theirs. Whoever got stuck sitting next to me got teased ruthlessly for their misfortune.
I wasn't slender since maybe 2nd grade,  I was always "average" , slightly shapely . I was treated like the fat lady in the circus for lacking in the coveted hip bone protruding figure. In my teens when I actually did get fat I learned the hard way what a social crime it was. Boys wanted to pay girls to "beat me up" because it would be "funny" . I would get nasty notes in my locker to " Go back home with your weird clothes" .  80's era folded notes ( We all know those folds of paper!) flipped onto my desk with nasty words and insults. " Medusa" " Fatso" , "Punky Brewster" .... I could feel tension in a classroom like a knife , the divide between the weirdo and the normal kids. When I sat down in class the kid next to me often moved their chair away as if I were nothing but a walking affliction.
 So my bullying experience started because I looked like a creepy living dead doll or was fat & weird. Big deal , I should get a backbone right?! These are memories that played out and dragged on. You see one statement is damaging but when you keep getting the same criticism in repetition one can tend to see it as fact at some point.  The bullying and comments take on a head spin that spills its' warped cruel melting jelly reasoning.
 It becomes " If everyone says it  ,  then it must be true" after all the mirror did show me a chubby pale ghostly girl with dark brown circles under her eyes , it was a looking right back at me. I was never told that my appearance was neutral. No one ever told me that it was what's inside that mattered the most if at all. No one ever said to me "I don't want to be your friend because you are unkind or boring" , it was closer to an " I don't want to be seen with you in public " admittance.  I still feel like a burden to this day most of the time. I will sit at an opposite table and "peek" in lest I become unwanted company.
 I wasn't weak , I fought back many times but that only made it worse for me. I think if it ever stopped at some point I may have been able to ground myself but it was so relentless that I never got to just sit and reboot. Every day was a challenge in the schoolhouse drudgery . Later in the workplace it wasn't much different which made me lose faith in the human race for many years.
The judgements  become an inner dialogue that creates life changing blockages and assumptions that may have no bearing on reality at all. The self esteem processes can become flawed and muddied with too many opinions. One day the bullying attaches itself to problems at home and life's obstacles becoming a feral monster. All the lies and criticisms become so real you don't even notice your thinking is the biggest flaw you'll ever have. That your mind has been poisoned with someone else's self hate and frustrations. Somehow their emptiness became your burden. A big lock on the door of life.
 Instead of going to parties I stayed home and read. And when at parties I sat in the corner writing poetry or people watching.
 After all the negativity if given the choice to go out and have fun you watch a movie with your mom because it's now the only safe place left. Everything you do is riddled with concern that people are laughing at you. Anxiety can take over.
 Most importantly bullying is horrible because you may come to miss out on epic things in your life and will not even know it because the warped thinking is now second nature to you. Or you may stop trying because you are sick of being seen as a failure before you can even prove yourself. Self defeated perfectionism.
The lasting remnants of bullying affect major decisions that last longer than any plague.  You maybe don't go to the gym even out of fear of people laughing at you in spandex ( IMHO: Whomever developed spandex pants should be shot anyway).  One might walk away in general their whole life from possibilities assuming that the laughter will only start if only given the chance. How even when things go well you will be "found out" for the unattractive flawed person you have come to believe you are. You think any happiness is temporary because sooner or later the shielding that let you slip in the door to being with will eventually fall revealing all flaws.  One stops trying because the rejection has gotten into your bones leaving you for dead.
 THIS is WHY bullying sucks. The day your kid comes home upset for being called names .. it is upsetting. But what EVERY parent should be aware of is that it DOES NOT STOP THERE! It isn't about some jerk calling your kid a name , it can be the beginning of toxic beliefs and a damaged inner dialogue that paints their future. They may marry jerks because they think it is what they deserve, they may work at lousy jobs because they feel lucky anyone even gave them one. They will never have rose colored glasses or an inner voice that says " You are good enough as you are".  Because even when you say "I love you" or "Ignore them" , the bullies are doing their damage on the other end.
 Differences are what makes us unique , not wrong ..but a child doesn't get that unless the parents make it clear to them . Share your positive messages until they are the ones that stick and override the word stabbings of school bullies. Drill your child's worth into their own heads. Save them from themselves , because bullies will leave the scars with their cruel paintbrush. #bullying #bullies #personalgrowth #BBW #essays #writing #schoolstories #memories #schoolmemories #depression # anxiety #spirituality #subconscious

Summer Streets by Cyni Poeti 2018

Heat bakes in
Takes Away
The fear , the loathing
Rests beside me
Hollow - full - It's all the same
All Knowing
Turning innocence into molten plastic dolls
Dripping with heat marking the repression
The words that were never said
Painted on haunted childhood playthings in red
Broken toys dripping chemicals and heat into the blockaded heart
To remember
Is to slowly kill yourself
Some memories are meant to die amongst the dreams forgotten
Aged emotions resurfacing cut through the lost life
Thrashing cords in my gut

Flaws
The control you possess
Chases me down the corridor of self hate
The never banned walls of not good enough
Crumble under the gold palettes
Naked ritual oceans won't save the imperfections
Mirrors proof of your disinterest
Mouth nailing the coffin closed
 The shrinking violet clawing the edge of dirt
Falling down the well of fantasy
She made pretend
for a season
Feeding the death of emotion

Cyni Poeti 2018