Poem by me- Cyni Poeti copyright 2020

Title: Dead Until She remembers

Diamonds of ocean waves are simply ghosts of him

Winds of horror cannot deter her

Dilapidated housing for the heart , screams no

The loyalty is true under the violent threats

His disdain is her mirror of flaws

And in the no of life

She faces the wall of self

Unwanted broken branches in the silence of apathy

In all the grief and bleeding the boredom of existence

This Is all she has under the colors of the soul

As they are mixed to mud by control

Universal umbrella of pleasing and stabbings

And in her respect

She still brushes against him in a soft whisper of humiliation and loyalty.

She witnesses his enjoyment , the flesh of others in a window of illusion

The box of apparitions sent to sea

A graveyard mocks her as she flies over the fractured clouds

This broken sun waits to melt the moon and all its glory

All the bleeding was to train her

For the importance of her emptiness

without her heart

And the wasted youth in her knowledge of doors closed

Running across the bridge of emotional beatings

Landing on the projection of mouth

She's his eternal band aid

Timeless battles secrets of broken pieces and war

A love of eternal beauty wrapped into terrors of the veins

Land under her feet , grounding her in the wind of an Empress

 #poetry #originalpoetry #poems #poets

 Looking at the one thing that you think is ruining your life will stop you from seeing the rainbow coming. Don't limit yourself. Learn from mistakes forgive people and move on. Don't cower in fear.

Most things that I was afraid of never , ever happened.

Be happy and move forward! Don't limit yourself in any way! I see a new emergence of stronger people especially ladies. Feel empowered... you are the power. Keep your motivation high.

Always remember that things change . What looks like rubbish to you now may be THE cherished pivoting moment in your memory bank in the future that drives you to the success and love you want to manifest in your life. #motivation #selflove #spirituality

 Clothing that reflects who you are and your message is very important. With PCOS it's even harder sizing issues , staining issues I am afraid to wear anything pale below the waist! and on it goes... etc. I have been putting my life together and noticed the clothes I wear have a history I no longer want to be a part of. I don't want the memories attached to them. I can't afford to replace my wardrobe but dad bought me some dresses to perk me up self esteem wise so I can shed the old fabrics that depress me. I don't want to look in the mirror and remember the last time I wore something was when someone died or how depressed and trapped I felt the last time I wore this or that. I have no one to share myself with... but it's by choice. And I am learning that self care is ok after years of giving myself the back seat and later suffering for it. Now I give myself a facial or say no when I need to.

I've never been a materialistic labels type of girl and I never will be. It's not me. Money isn't everything like the great Cyndi Lauper sings. But I do have a need to be artistic and comfortable. Even doing DIY with older garments didn't appeal to me as the fabrics would still be stuck energy in the past. I want new shiny energy that doesn't bog me down.

Luckily it's near Halloween and big sale prices. LoL . I feel more comfortable in mystical skull printed dresses than oversized stretch pants... those age me and make me feel ugly. I want the outside to reflect the inside ... let the energy flow. I love blue I love pink and purple... color always feels new to me as I always dress in black for the most part. But I need this color to shine and break out of the darkness... it's time to take on the light. I was looking inside but neglecting the outside . .. same goes for eating right and trying to be healthier which has been a wash under Covid...

But it's time to grow up yet still be me. Here's to a spring in my step as I move into feeling like myself again and not leftovers from sadness and lost wasted years.

#movingon #fashion #bbw #pcos #pcosissues #plussize #dresses #closetoverhaul #cleaning #movingupwards #awakening #growingup #comfort

 A Mermaids Cry by Cyni Poeti copyright 8 / 12/ 2020

The discomfort rises within me as black sharp waves of night

Exposed , dangerous curves of ocean

The moon casts its blanket of the unknown over the water

Surfing emotions on the darkest of angry seas

Cruelty of life has me apathetic , almost fearless in its' betrayal

Except for the knowing that is tied around me like a screaming seaweed

In my caged body of metal and wire rests a damaged heart

A barbed wire likeness of him , his face piercing my last living organ

In the wounds of wavering nightfall liquid

My veins pump the red life for the sharks.

Awaiting the door of treasures to slam in my face

Drowning under emotions I can't feel

Swallowing the little fish that I am

Choking on the silence of separation

Orca splatters against a nautical canvas

With its vermilion directionless murderous memories

#drawings #poetry #poets #artists #art #Poems #originalpoetry #cynipoeti #mermaids

I have been drawing  a lot this month, hoping to improve my skills. For more of my odd little daily thoughts and posts follow me on Twitter :  https://twitter.com/FatCatHormonal 

For anyone who doesn't understand PCOS , it is NOT a death sentence. I am not "sick" and going to die any moment. Lately I feel fine except for being tired.

It's an endocrine Disorder/hormonal imbalance. I've had it most of my life and it is not life threatening to me in my opinion. Yes the medical field likes to scare people and much of the information on the the internet is wrong or just trying to sell you something. Follow the fear to the money trail....

It took them over 20 years to diagnose me because of the way they were determining what PCOS was back then. They thought it was cysts on the ovaries that caused it. Nope... the cysts are just another symptom. Like the weight , excess hair, moods , depression etc. It is a huge cluster of side effects some are there all the time some go in and out. but none of them have killed me yet. Most of them are just a rake down my self esteem making me feel less attractive and like every mans nightmare. I feel like a beautiful monster...

Yes there are diseases associated with it as a future possibility which I see as bunk...because seriously as people age toxins build up in the body , the body breaks down and we get disease from all the stress we endured our whole lives. If they want to slap labels and fear let them , has nothing to do with me.

Peri-menopause is causing havoc , that isn't the PCOS and as far as I know NO ONE has died from peri-menopause.

This being said some of the side effects to PCOS can be very painful and limiting with no support and no one that will ever understand. It is a lonely road. So when I get a bad day , it's better to be annoyed than really let it get to me. I am trying to rewire my brain. Be grateful that the stabbing cramps are no longer even though they were replaced with extra weight. I am annoyed to have to pull chin hairs and eat things I hate or skip meals to maintain a high weight when others don't have to. BUT.. I could be in the worst of it, some of the PCOS sufferers really do suffer so much more than I do. I do not have a full beard and massive cramping. I never judge any fellow person with Stein Levanthal Syndrome ( The REAL name of PCOS , and yes men can have it too!).

I am not dying , I am OK.... Just inconvenienced much . My Hypo-active thyroid doesn't help either. But it's life's little adjustments. I am not in pain just inconvenienced with female troubles , but none of it is agony or life taking.

And everyone has their "body stuff" and doesn't mention them... I do for awareness and probably to whine and let it out.. But don't punish me for not looking like a super model. I can't hide this , it shows physically. Please don't punish me over and over for not being what others think I should have been. It's bad enough for me being the modern day Elephant man I don't need people running around saying I am gonna die because I'm fat and all kinda of junk. We are all gonna die since when is not being a size 2 a crime?! I mean a real one, not a social one. Anyone can die at any time , period.

We are here to learn and love and teach and share , and when the end of my road comes and I go "home" that will be it , it isn't about the size of my buttocks or a fibroid...Death is much more divine than the flesh. Miracles happen everyday. What needs to be done will be in a miraculous spiritual way.

It isn't about fitting in and being perfect and filling in all the blanks of what society wants from us.. It is about the time you have together , the mark you make on this world. Because we should ALL be living our lives like the end is coming near and not waste a moment. It's the authenticity and love we give and receive that matters.

Do I want changes in my health? Yes , I (like many) feel a bit limited and cornered in what to do , even though my gym is open I really don't want to risk Covid ( esp with my dad in the house too) to try and lose 20lbs... I can do that in due time (hopefully). I sprained the front of my foot somehow... so instead of going into a rage about feeling locked up and blocked i am just drawing more. I am using the time to enhance my artistic skills and write.

No matter when or what I die of. Disregard any diagnoses and just simply say "She finished her tasks here". It won't be anything but my spirits choice to go home (wherever it is , be it the in the dirt or another realm) , no matter what any doctor slaps on as the "reason" I died. My ending will just be the closure of my book here and the chapters will be completed. That is all and nothing more , it won't be PCOS or the man in the moon. Just my ending.

You are all stuck with me for awhile.. sorry. :P

#PCOS #pcosawareness #spirituality #Steinlevanthalsyndrome #perimenopause