Summer Streets by Cyni Poeti 2018

Heat bakes in
Takes Away
The fear , the loathing
Rests beside me
Hollow - full - It's all the same
All Knowing
Turning innocence into molten plastic dolls
Dripping with heat marking the repression
The words that were never said
Painted on haunted childhood playthings in red
Broken toys dripping chemicals and heat into the blockaded heart
To remember
Is to slowly kill yourself
Some memories are meant to die amongst the dreams forgotten
Aged emotions resurfacing cut through the lost life
Thrashing cords in my gut

Flaws
The control you possess
Chases me down the corridor of self hate
The never banned walls of not good enough
Crumble under the gold palettes
Naked ritual oceans won't save the imperfections
Mirrors proof of your disinterest
Mouth nailing the coffin closed
 The shrinking violet clawing the edge of dirt
Falling down the well of fantasy
She made pretend
for a season
Feeding the death of emotion

Cyni Poeti 2018

Closed doors Cyni Poeti 2018

I want to shut down
Give me the thorn to bleed on
Tell me why I  need to feel
the pain this inflicts
When will the need to be you fall away
Kitten pout and the need to stop
All blood leaves my face
when the mirror shatters
All delusions of acceptability
You are under my fingernails
The screaming scratches of not good enough
The sun fades behind the sequins
The fire in me put out
Under competition of yellow and intellect
Watch me fizzle under your feet
Pierce me , mark your spot

  After knowing someone for 23 years there is a new horizon awaiting for me. It was over years ago , life got complicated and now it's a healthy peaceful parting if not joyous. ( I love playing matchmaker!) .... I have my freedom and physical space. I am single with no entanglements... it could only mean I'll end up an artsy cat lady but I am free to be who I am and follow my gut. My journey is here. My heart has some hopes , my head doesn't dare...
 Endings are only new beginnings. Sometimes the ending is brutal and sometimes it's only a confused whimper. But all things come to an end , even when there was a long duration that lent itself to the fantasy of forever. The only things that are certain in life are taxes and death as we all well know.
 So what do you do when it's over?! Accept the lessons you learned. Move on with grace and dignity. Treat people the way you would want to be treated. Walk away on clouds not swords. Know that you now have something to bring into your future relationships because you grew and came out a stronger person.
  Learn your lessons or they will repeat themselves until you do. The missteps we made were our professors in life , honor them.  The bad teaches us as well as the good. Ask yourself the imortant questions and listen intuitively for the answers.
 Be honest with yourself and know what serves you and what doesn't. Remove the heavy weights off of your back so you can stand in a direction of your path. Walk towards the light, sense what feels right. Never let your mind go on spin and become a runaway train of fear. Most of what I have feared in life was anxiety and low self esteem on my part. I would convince myself it was never going to happen or be a toxic nightmare. I now have the power in my hand to let it go. I can regret not saying things when I should have but I can't change the past. I just have to make peace that my thinking has to change. I have to let all the negative energy and inner dialogue that has scarred me bleed into the river of life.

In all the hidden vessels

Rest the demons

that shatter us

Laying claim to our light

We are not good enough

under the gremlins gaze

Standing tall under the emotional Bandaid tourniquets

Rising in voice

The mirrors blockade

Rejuvenate the wreckage

My skin is social cigarette burns

These scars are razor blade paintings

seen in dripping red

Walking through the glass uncut

Title: I have overcome

Cyni Poeti 2018

-----------------------------
Mother clouds 
If there are angels I do not see
My eyes fall across the empty chair
Of where you should be
Of where you used to be
My tongue falls silent of the tales you should know
The peaks and valleys of life
The words that do not grow
In your eyes do you see
The disappointment of me
My depression a sword in the ground
My flesh a sign of failure
I rest with too much sound in my veins
You disappeared into the night
We ran out of time.
I am running out of time
The People I love hate me
The people I hate love me
I am dead , yet I am alive.
Learning to walk.
Poem by Cyni  Poeti

  It's as if I am 22 all over again. I am at Denny's at almost 2 am . I miss Julian my partner in crime in after hours chats and excessive coffee consumption. So what led me on this trip down memory lane?!
 It all started with the car...
 Being a semi responsible Sagitarius I was checking my gauges off and on. All Good. So I was free to sing along to the likes of Adam Lambert and the Sisters of Mercy. ( Hey! I have eclectic tastes) . Then I looked down again and all of a sudden it's running hot past the red "H" mark. The warning end of the gauge, oh no...
 Being a woman alone in the desert wasn't a fun thought. This happens in a random section of the desert that was apparently abandoned by the God's.
 I pull off where there is nothing but a dirt road and a stick street name marker.
 I got a cell phone call out to my Dad. " Is it this , Is it that?! "
" Let the engine cool"
Lots of back and forth.
" Ok the engine is cooler, try it now.."
 I made it a few inches up the highway before it runs hot again. Cussing and rolling my eyes I pull over.  I'm in a curve of the road where I can't help thinking any truck will side swipe me at any time. So I nervously let the car rest again. I tried to get up to an exit so when I call AAA I can give them a stab at a possible location.. there was no exit in sight. The gauge was dancing past the "H" again.
 It took 4 calls to AAA for my location to even be verified as Google was giving them different areas. Finally got a driver who knew where I was in the dead airy desert stretch between exits. Almost 2 hours later , I am sweating and smelling like a dead animal holding my bladder and trying to write poetry to distract myself.  I have mentally adandoned my plans at this point. Disappointed and aggravated.
 A big burly AAA Driver guy shows up.  He is not quite friendly but certainly looks capable after all he can drive that huge tow truck. I cracked a few jokes and he melted like butter on summer pavement. We discuss the options , The garage will be useless no mechanics past 3, only "The tire guys" are there...  This stops me , no point in trying to get it looked it with no one there. He confirms it's the weekend and no one will be in til Monday. So he double checks my fluids , finds the coolant to be empty by then. Luckily I had enough left over coolant and waters ( Thank you Dasani!) to fill it . So he said he'd follow me for a few exits to check on me and he'll keep going unless I pull over..
 So I could be chicken and go back home or say to heck with it and go on into the desert. Well I was in the middle area really either way I would have been at risk to some degree. A smart person may have said " That's it I am going home". Being the stubborn rebel that I am ... Once the coolant took residence I dumped my inner chicken and beamed for Joshua Tree.
 I have been blessed with kind and talented friends. Enough motive to drive with crossed fingers and more dance music bouncing on into the desert. & Seeing talented musicians all night. Quality time with special people, can't replace these memories.
 In the chaos my hotel room gets taken away and rented out to another. Lovely....
This is where the Denny's came in. It was so dark I could not see the roads well and after a few attempts and getting " No Vacancy " chatting with the waitress and writing some poetry sounded good. Hitting a blank at first this is what I wrote.. what you are reading now. Having eaten nothing but pork rinds and rock star drinks all day I picked up a menu. Another Rock star drink and I'd have a heart attack I was quite sure. At this point I wanted buckets of water, just non stop ice water. ( I am now wearing this in my face!) With a stomach full of fried dead pigs skin and grape flavored energy drinks I never thought ice water would taste so good.
 I was dropping, maybe I could curl up in a back booth and no one will notice . A cat nap could be in order, that wasn't going to happen. Summer has not been kind to me... Health stuff, $$ stuff, you name it stuff... The lack of plumbing in the past week wasn't ideal, I didn't dare take water pills.... and all that water was in the front of me the entire trip like an H20 baby waiting to be born. My stomach stuck into the steering wheel and wouldn't fit behind the table at the fixed booths at Denny's.. Ugh. I wanted to call upon the " Cindy Crawford Genes Fairy" that night to easily fit in a booth and nap. It just wasn't in the cards.
 I wondered how long I'd last napping on my purse before I would slip and fall face down on the newly mopped floor.
 After the chaos, and bacon! & all the bumps in the roads.. I finally found a hotel room in the sunrise of morning and immediately showered.
 My sincere apologies to anyone I hugged the night before. In my affections I mostl likely forgot I smelled like a dead monkey by that point! ( But hey at least you are appreciated!) I had all the girlie stuff packed , hair conditioner, nail polish , make up , rose scented skin cream , a change of clothing, it remained in the trunk as I made the first show by 15 minutes. Whew! I was thrilled not to miss a thing! But yeah.. instead of being comfortable and looking like a normal showered and rested person my hair was all windows down desert dry blown out  = thyroid stylin' , chipped nail polish with car grease under my fingernails.. it was just bad.. I felt like the sewer dropped me off. Ha!
 Such an adventure. Not all a toss , someone thought I was only 27!  (  They're possibly having been drunk is of no consequence ,  I am still taking the misguided compliment!! LOL ). 
 Almost $800 later.. my car gets fixed and looked at... I am rolling my eyes. I take it for a bit of a drive to "test" it... still going up and down.. gauge was enough to concern me. At this point I was expecting more chaos, had my eyes squinting..  I had to get it checked again before I left in the morning.
 That night my sinus' decided to gift me with a massive presssure & headache. I could barely sleep , being an insomniac also and yeah the energy drinks were making things worse. ( No one ever accused me of being bright!).  I could have had some quality sleep by morning hours , but I had to get the car looked at and wanted to beat the heat if I was indeed going home. There was a new set of mechanics there, I had less confidence in these fellows. I did not want to wait til 3pm and then head back in the heat of the day. I checked my fluids and braved it...
 The gauge was still giving me back and forth... but I made it and blared Concrete Blonde most of the way!  The highlight of my trip home was getting flipped off for driving too slow. Hey ,  I have my talents..... #Joshuatree #roadtrip #dennys #writing #writers #trips #cartrouble

  My first gynocologist appointment in years and I noted her glances at my generous proportions. Her curl of lip tipping me off to how much I was offendeding her .  She claimed weight loss surgery would cure me. There is no cure , only maintenence and I am not trying to conceive. However I am sure the kickback she would have gotten would have been nice for her. I find office visits these days to be no more than a sales pitch.  I don't care for suggestions of major surgeries on first visits. 
Onto the follow up visit : I got weighed , lost 3lbs . Meaningless to me as I only have 224 pounds more to go and the road seems too long. A pretty brunette takes my blood pressure and looks surprised that it is good. Sorry to disappoint, but I do understand that I am perhaps not the "norm".  I let her take the cuff off and glance at her ideal figure and wonder what it's like to be considered "normal" by the masses.  She drops me off down the hall.
I found myself sitting in the white room where one often checks their watch every few seconds wondering when it will be all over with. I fiddle with my cell phone. Try to read but I can't concentrate. I attempt meditation which only turns into a brain salad of a laundry list of everything I have done wrong since birth. Mirroring the same inner dialogue I get before I attempt sleep at night.
 After what seemed like an entire algebra class length of time she entered. The blood work results in her tiny hands , she sat in her coral chiffon dress and said " It shows signs of PCOS". The sarcasm hung on my lips like an anvil.... yet I almost spilled " Tell me something I don't know" . Then she ventured peri menopause and maybe menopause in the following 6 months to two years... and there was something not resonating. PCOS can mimic peri menopause, I have felt like this since my teens. Granted the hormones seem to be on an upswing with an overly emotional anxiety monster at my door lately . But honestly I felt as if I were getting diagnosed by the check out clerk at the packie. When she made a veiled stab on her way out about my weight and "assumed" appetite I mentally fired her alongside my subtle shock.
 I read online that menopause was classified as 12 months or more of an absence of periods. If that is the case I had menopause about 12 years ago , now I am spotting almost every day. I moved across country and my cycle stopped for 3 years or so. It came back with a vengeance.
 So at that point I was jus thinking why do I not trust my own intuition?! I figured it was the PCOS. Symptoms got worse , they crawled back into the horrid box of my teens. Hadn't felt that bad in years. I was vomiting , sleeping off and on ( when I could get to sleep) with a bucket by the bed. Extreme depression, my body felt "lit" like some neon hormone was pulsating through my veins, my legs felt numb,  anxiety , nausea , my groin was heavy with some unknown weight. A heat on my nether regions. Miraculously only mild cramping and an occasional ice pick poke on my ovaries. All this was going on alongside life's little catastrophes and apparently my cure was assumed to be bariatric surgery. Because becoming thin and visually pleasing overrides acid in your stomach any day.
  My body is so broken by this endocrine disorder now I don' t know if I can tweak it. I am admittedly exhausted by the whole thing.  No longer a PCOS warrior I have drifted into a "PCOS Eeyore". The diseases are out there with weight we all hear it :  Cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, joint pain, cancer... the list can seem endless. And fat people are often treated as if this will be their chosen feat by way of endless bags of Doritos. I think the main thing that causes the weight = disease relation is that many of us DO NOT GO TO THE DOCTOR due to the judgments , ill treatments and pointless conversations. If people stop going to get checked out then yeah cancer is more likely not to get caught in time. Medical professionals can't figure this out?! Hiding from the outside world and its  poking and prodding. Fat people are not morally corrupt because they aren't thin. Anyone can get sick at any point in their lives the smart ones know this time bomb is hanging overhead. We are all on borrowed time. For some reason the fat ones deserve it in some peoples eyes... As long as the stereotypes keep going strong there will be lousy medical care for us , and places we do not feel comfortable. It is time to "bitch".
#PCOS #pcosawareness #hormones #Perimenopause #weightissues #sizeactvism #weightissues #doctorsvisits #fat #plussized #plussizeblogger #blogging #writing #BBW

Untitled , 90's era poem. By Cyni Poeti.

Under your abscence
You always assumed my glow was left behind in your pocket
In your drama I fell under your knife
The blade cuts so sweetly
Under the barren trees lay my bones
Remnants of your ego and frozen emotion
You have eaten me
My flesh and soul made you sparkle with promises
I just walked away with a razor blade down my veins
Standing on the edge of a pin
Holding the jar of everything and nothing in mangled hands
The blood now spatters around my timeless carousel

 Lately mortality has been on my mind. I waver between apathy and panic. As we all know times goes by too fast most days. If history repeats itself I may only have 5 or 7 years left. Many women in my family died within these age groups of cancer. I don't want to lose old friends again. I look at older members of my family and wonder how long they will be here.  Although I know I could go before them, age does not determine fate. There is no control. No one survives, no amount of supplements or self care can save us. So enter the apathy.
  I have no in between lately.. I am overly emotional or flat.
 I care too much or not at all.
And there is the roller coaster of relationships. The people you carry within you everywhere, the long time friendships , the in between and the ones you love  but they wouldn't care if you got hit by a bus ( Hey it happens).
 How does one sort it all out? Blocking things out doesn't work , it only comes back like an out of control freight train. I wonder if anyone else sits and thinks of death the way I do.
I do believe in an afterlife and that we come here more than once. However I don't "know" so maybe the inkling of doubt has me thinking this is the last time you'll see them.. and anxiety puts its ugly foot in the door.
Does my mother look down on me in disgust? She can see all my jagged bits. Giving years to depression instead of fighting it and moving on. Although it never seemed to be a choice to me.
 I want to spend more time with my father , lately there is nothing to say. I feel as if I have hours of screaming stuck in my throat that I cannot share. So then I feel guilty for wasting precious time with him. Despite guilt I can't find my footing on the way back to the closeness we once had. His critical nature originates in the basket of "worry" yet it makes me cringe. I hear "Idiot" , "Ugly" and "Freak" in the back of my head even when it wasn't said. I just can't control the things he wants to be controlled. It is all said with love , but a love that hits me like a baseball bat across the back of the head.
 I overshare , I say odd things, I intuit things I shouldn't know. I am the poster-girl of "awkward". I feel like I am standing on the head of a pin sometimes , it is intense and scary for me. All in all I guess it is just me , my weird journey. We all have to live by who we are and our truths with as much care to others as possible.
Sometimes I want to selfishly go first, I don't want to be the last one standing  after watching my loved ones go one after one.
So Mom , family , friends, all of the people that touched my life and are gone. I'll be there to greet you one day. I'll stay here for now til my path ends. I'll sit in my panic flat-lining way of dealing with this until it is my time. And when I go I can nod to my mortality. #mortality #death #grieving #grief #blogging #essays

  As Tuesday was already spent trying to sleep while my mind kept going on its own crazy train of regrets. It is Wednesday already and I should know better but here I am again. I  opened my eyes and to my detriment my closet doors are one huge mirrored wall. More than enough to see my imperfections in the glow of daylight as it invades my window.  The mirror screams to me of where everything went wrong.  The damn P.C.O.S. it bleeds into everything.
 But here I am on repeat in the same depressive funk. There are no answers , this is what brings the sadness down on me the most. Friends offer possible cures or supplements or paths I can take. It doesn't change the past or my body or my present. Swimming in oatmeal has become my life in this past year. I try to soar and fall into a mushy breakfast cereal of muck with my clipped wings. I swear I can hear the world laughing , I guess I never did get over bad experiences in gym class. Pathetic , as I am 47 and still thinking of high school humiliations.
 I experience PCOS rip my body apart daily , and lend its' hand to other ailments like a domino effect down into a hellish inferno. Yet everyone offers "cures" for my ills and body shape as if with the flick of a switch I can become thin and erase acne, anxiety , mood swings, and non stop female troubles. I get weary from trying to figure out the unknown odd blips of body issues followed by edema.
Apparently the most offensive is the weight. I could have been suicidal for years but I'd better get rid of the weight first and foremost. After all it offends the eyes apparently. That is the message I often receive from others. 

I can control my weight just like people can control their height. And despite my gripes I am much healthier than some other people I have seen.
Being used to accepting less than what I want has been standard for many years. When I can't reach a small goal after time and effort I become depressed as I think to myself " Haven't I lowered the bar enough yet?!"   or " Just exactly how low does this bar have to get?!" .  I can accept I'll never be a supermodel.. but can I at least not have to diet to not gain weight?!  I spend my life eating things I don't like in hopes to crash the barrier of fat to average only to be called names . Most people wrongly assume the stereotypes are in well working order here , but they are not. Would I have to remove my lungs to go down enough sizes and be at least a BBW plus size woman rather that a borderline SSBBW?! And since when do I not exist? I AM here despite my size.
 I just want some control. Heck I would settle for the illusion of control at this point. I give my life to the Universe and wait. Unfortunately I then backtrack with my endless need for the control and impatience.  So maybe I am not on the edge solely due to my horrible physique or my life choices.  This is the surface every day stuff that gets to me .. These are the obvious in my face issues. Home stuff, relationship crazies, PCOS, unrequited love, lost chances , regrets , heartbreak, two faced friends I still spin in shock about  ..just  everyday "brain salad" things. These are the razors on my psyche. But it is too obvious...
So I dig deeper this afternoon .. it is also life itself.  The fear of the unknown and a knowing that I can't steer the boat to where I feel safe all the time. It is a lack of trust  , a bitterness at the mirror and its truths. A misdirection ,  occasionally a knowingness that no one else can see . The path I  choose to take may lead me into more emotional car accidents and mistakes that never end and become a soulless punishment of human error.
I just don't feel "safe" .
Illuminating word for today....  Safety.

Shaking echos tell the tale
Of the flesh not measuring up
The hate is all over me
Your mouth loves the youth
The totem beauty that escaped me
Love is never enough under the glitter lights
Eyes feasting on the trophy
Leaving me in the dust for the golden game

This entry is addressed to fat haters who claim to always eat right : These past few years it has become apparent that everyone is on their own trip. We all have our own situations or " stuff" to deal with. So when people assume I don't at least try to eat healthy it infuriates me. Your trip is just different than mine.

Take yesterday for a perfect example I got the salad instead of the soup. Sounds healthy and yummy even, I woke up puking my guts out at about midnight. Then I sort of slapped myself thinking "oh you forgot, what were you thinking..." Because every time I have gone on a low carb or salad friendly diet here I get sick. My slow thinking eventually put two and two together and I stopped eating salads in restaurants and surprise,  surprise the vomiting stopped. I was told it could be sulfites. Who knows.

I am rarely home, always on the go. Eating healthy is hard and they usually replace fat with sugar or salt for "taste". It seems as if you simply can't win. When I go to Sweet Tomatoes it makes me feel really wonky, like a groovy 60's pop song 33rpm record being played on 45rpm. It's supposed to be super healthy but it makes me feel like an acid trip.

I have known people who have reactions to caffeine, shellfish or this food or that spice. We are all different, just because you can live on carrot sticks doesn't mean everybody else can. And it doesn't mean you are exhibiting idyllic behavior, it just means your body is physiologically in tune with it. Something in your system finds it pleasant. Trust me if you hated carrots or got headaches every time you ate one you'd be hitting a burger joint.

 I now eat meat mostly. I can't say I stick to zero carb as I do sneak in mushrooms and an occasional salad when I can't get the protein in. The protein based eating plan keeps me from gaining. I lose slow , we'll see where it goes , but it is going down. Everyone just has to see what works for them. Forget the holier than thou attitudes, jokes, and just being overwhelmed in general. And losing weight or not losing weight it is a personal experience . Be it up , down or simply staying the same it's all in the journey. There is no right or wrong.

 And the best book to understand body types and WHY people gain weight in my opinion is by 

Gary Taubes. 

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8727466-why-we-get-fat .