Alone copyright Cyni Poeti 2019
I run through life in your shadow
My heart hoping to stumble upon
Your absent soul
I want to fade into your skin
and become home in your perfection
Did anyone ever take note of your beauty
It's flawless dignified curve of rainbow light
In the corner of brick with the venomous mouths
Did you know I worshipped you from the open veins
where the blood ran down my wrists from the loss of you
When you looked to the sky and the sand
and missed me
I was forever alone under your absent gaze
For a fleeting moment that painted the pain
In a texture of screaming loss

#poetry #poems #roughdraft

A few days in depression

 I spent the last few days in a heap on my bed hiding under the covers. Ever since my hormones were out of synch I have suffered severe yet occasional bouts of depression. I wish I could close my eyes and shut off my intuition. Fill my ears with cotton balls to save me from the bad energy and ill intended whispers.
 The vibration of people "worrying" about me under the guise of weight and health. No one cared either way when I wasn't physically larger to the eye which always makes me suspect now. I could have had a 25lb tumor like mom... but I'd have been of average build then so no one thought to ask.
 And every inch is noticeable .. I can't take water pills as much anymore it started bothering my kidneys... as was the no carb diet.. So now I get concern for the shape of my face... and my health... I've been like this since I was 17 relax... My truth just sucks. WHY I retain water is UNKNOWN ( although I assume it is hormone related)  it isn't choices, I am not sitting on the couch eating bags of Doritos... sorry to disappoint the people out there who get entertained by sizist memes and stereotyping. But it comes and goes.. maybe I'll get relief at some point... until then I never know who will look back at me in the mirror . I feel like silly putty.
 I hear " You are beautiful" from friends , this gets taken away by the fact that no matter what I do it's never quite good enough. If I can do anything it's erased by ... " But she's so fat".... "she has to change" . My fat won't kill me ,  but knowing most everything in life is fake because of it will.
 I am not paranoid just jaded and expecting the worst. There is no twisted thinking I just sense the vibrations and wish I didn't. Ignorance is bliss.
 Many friends (not all) really think the opposite of what they say to my face. After awhile it gets muddy ... a blur of behind the back gossip, "well meaning" back handed compliments and some genuine solace occasionally. At this point it's confusing and exhausting.
 When people tell you wonderful things & then you find their blog and find out what they really think of you in front of millions of people to read in bold face type... the humiliation takes on a razor blade edge. Yes it's happened. And it will again at some point. It wasn't my character , it was my offending flesh she was so influenced by.
 I know romantic love for me is a joke. I am often considered unattractive and not desirable. I am nothing that I am " Supposed to be". There is only one person's opinion that matters on this, but I know it's negative and I can offer him nothing.
 Enter days of crying, eating nothing but still choking on the fat in my throat under the heavy winter blanket that hid me from the world. I didn't even want to sit up it meant I was alive. I didn't want to get dressed. I wanted my thoughts to stop... because they were taunting and the truth. If only they were bullying lies could I have overcome it so much sooner.
Not whining just letting it bleed. Back to functioning... and knowing I am never good enough. Ice skating on melted ice.
#depression #pcossucks #fat #undesirable #angry #sad #jaded #bewildered

Clouds copyright Cyni Poeti 2019 

Her lips remain lonely

Lipstick the color of a mutilated heart

She lifts her fingers to her mouth

and smears the red war paint

Where his adoration should have landed

Only her childhood tainted clouds pushed the world away

White fleshy wounds with downward smiles

Humiliation is on her shoulder

Her eyes fall on magnificence

She watches others their limbs, heads , the perfection of flesh

Crocodile smiles , deaths dance

Wrapped in humor and intellect

Her throat has the dirty little secret

Of her filth

There are reasons why there is nothing

No adoration

Alone in the corner she painted for herself

In the exhaustion of life

Ripped open bleeding lips in front of emptiness

White walls of missed opportunities

Glare

She holds melting lipstick in her hands 

The wax pulp a carcass of what she needed

And never asked for.

 One thing I really hate is the accusatory statement "You did it to yourself "  concerning weight. Really?! I DO accept some of my personal weight as behavior however whether I worked out or ate right all these years I still would have been overweight. It wasn't a choice , it has been something I have fought for most of my life in some way!
I suppose some people can fall under a category of behavior only... and I do not say this in a judgemental way. I do acknowledge that some people have psychological issues that affect weight. Also some people simply have financial and or educational issues to contend with. Either way it was never a "choice" as insinuated.  Be it depression , disease , or genetics I assure you no one sits there and chooses it. There may be size activists after the fact choosing to live their life to the fullest despite ridicule ( my hero's!) but they still didnt choose to be the chubby kid etc.
 But I am talking about shaming people and blaming them for somehow "choosing" a body type other people don't approve of.  That it is a decision consciously made out of sloth. The popular opinion is that if you are fat you are (stereotyping comments here)  "lazy" " a pig" "eating too much" "sitting on the couch all day" .
 I have been alive for 48 years. I don't see anyone asking thin people how they got thin unless it is "super sexy gym type thin" .. For average people I don't hear anyone say "What did you do to be an average weight , or slender? "  " What caused this??!!!". No one looks for a cause to a size 10 or below in a females closet . However if you get to a size 16 or above then you did something to cause it and it's all your fault , you must be "fixed"! When people fall under the "fat" category the fear explodes. The masses need to "control it" and once they come up with reasons maybe it won't happen to them.  Example: ... "If I don't eat Doritos I won't get fat" , "I can control it, they can't"... type of thinking.  Simplistic cause and effect via small minds.
 So for average or slender people who don't have time (or inclination) for the gym are ok.  There is no "healthism" for them. Not everyone is choosing their pant size, it's just the size they are by nature. Because they look fine in a bathing suit via popular opinion. Because we are told they are healthy because they look a certain way.  ( This is nothing but control issues, fear of death). What if they aren't?! What if a young man has a huge tumor and no one bothers to look , because his belt size indicates a desirable health and appearance combo?!
For example two kids sit on a couch playing video games and eating popcorn .. the fat kid is considered to be "out of control" and choosing his " jelly rolls?! And the thin one is just playing video games and having a snack?! Doesn't anyone see how this is messed up?!
 So the mother has to explain to her kid that he isn't like the others and can't eat the popcorn if he wants to try to be thin?! How do you explain the science involved in weight issues ( more complicated than CICO folks!) to a teen who just wants to live in peace like everyone else?! How do you say anything that would not making him feel "different" or shamed? And why does this even have to be an issue?! Meanwhile the other thin teen never gets looked at by a doctor because he was assumed to be healthy. ( I have witnessed this type of scenario folks stories for another time).
 Yo Yo dieting will mak you much fatter than you ever would have been. Fact. If kids were left alone to be chubby they may not develop eating disorders and become "obese" adults. Bloody hell I hate that word "obese" .
Neither of them are choosing anything , they are just being kids.
 Until we really know 100% what causes the tendency to weigh more I think people just need to shut up.
Seriously , I have had it. I am 48 , I have a slow thyroid , PCOS , Hormones are especially wacky this summer. I gave up red meat and started eating chicken and salad, dumbest thing I ever did , I am so bloated I could float. I struggle not to get past a certain weight. I ask my doctor and it's "menopause" issues.  I guess I am "choosing" that too....
 Yes indeed! I am choosing menopause!  I just asked for the old lady fairy to switch up my hormones in the maddest possible way! Yup , that's me .. I  "AM" that powerful!  Can't you see my golden fairy dust?!?? I decide when my cells hold excessive water. I decide the forever changing shape of my face the next morning. Obviously being sarcastic here... But to make a point . Even with diuretics twice a day this summer I am holding water in my face and neck area for "whatever reason" ( menopause?!) .. do I have to explain this to friends and foe alike?! I look bigger because I am not menstruating now.. the water is "collecting" so I was told.. Does anyone even want to hear this?! NO! Heck I don't even want to hear it or think it. But since it's visual.. maybe I need to explain!?  People worry...  and point or comment...ugh... so no I am not worshipping the Twinkies Gods ok?!
  If I can't control these issues, who is to say anyone else can control anything their body does 100%?! We can nudge things a certain way. But we can't decide to make our health or weight to always be optimal. If we controlled half of the things that we are misguided to believe that we can control then no one would be dying of cancer or suffering from diseases. Period.
 So telling a fat person they "did it to themselves" is just as messed up as telling someone with the flu that  they made it happen.. if only they washed their hands more.. or had a better immune system.... Who knows why one person got the flu and another went all winter without so much as a tickle in their throats. It wasn't chosen. It just "was" . same with intelligence etc, sometimes it just is. I could go to college , but I will never be an academic, I am not wired that way.. I don't choose to be less intelligent , I do not have an automatic innate knowledge of many subjects.. it just is..
  Seriously folks who do this shaming need to check themselves. I am not saying people can't look at themselves realistically and gauge what is going on with their health or weight , (Behavior, eating habits , disease , side effects from Pharma etc). I am not advocating for idiot behavior and denial but I am just suggesting not to take on the blame of the world when the physical is "bigger" than what society thinks you should be. That's the lie! That's the shaming. Anyone can choose to eat healthier big or small , does not guarantee particular results. Be realistic , don't take on the weight of the world , eat healthy , move , and if it is a size 14 instead of a 10 then its OK... you aren't commiting a crime. Same for men too...
  I eat one meal a day with about 10 -12 hours of fasting in between due to my sleeplessness issues. I do not snack unless my blood sugar is low and then it is nuts or a clementine. I could allow myself to get depressed and easily snuggle up on the couch and make friends with a pint of Chunky Monkey but Ben and Jerry do not enter my freezer . So I am choosing not get bigger , attempting to maintain at this point. I don't rule out ever losing weight but I don't think it will be my "choice" , something will happen to shift it one way or another.
  If I could choose I wouldn't be this particular size, so please people do NOT tell me that I choose this or am doing it to myself. One week in my shoes and guaranteed these types would shut up for once.

 #fatactivism #bbw #fat #rants #essays #bbwbloggers #fatblog #nofatshamingallowed #sizism #angry #fatshaming #blaming #fatissues #weightissues

 I recently saw an online post where a woman was flabbergasted that her son fell for a 300-400lb woman. She could not wrap her head around the fact that her son was eventually going to sleep with this woman and there was a " How can anyone be attracted to that ?!" attitude.

 She wasn't kind, she wasn't open minded. In fact she was outright brutal. But she was honest.

 My personal view of myself runs from " I guess I am a cute cuddly panda bear" to "Holy crap I need to have less mirrors in this bedroom of mine ! I am a f*cking beast! " and just wanting to hide forever .. Either way the small jaunt to the shower proves interesting via it's reflection.

 However I know that regardless of weight I would still rip myself apart. I love when a woman sincerely owns it. I never got there, but I think they are right and I am wrong. Who is anyone to judge and assume anything. What gives anyone the right to say what is or is not attractive. The flesh is not the soul.

 I suppose men do this too when the hair starts to thin a bit... it's that disease of "popular opinion" , the marketing , the pressure. 

 The signs of "aging" or simply "falling from grace" are customarily wrapped up in tight skin, flat stomachs and perfect white teeth. In other words “youth” with some perfection mixed in. God forbid real life happens. And since we are living human beings, it will. Meds will affect us, insulin resistance, disease, trauma, stress it will come for us one after the other in due time. No one has a flawless life that affords them eternal beauty and health. Not even Cher, although she admittedly hit the gene pool jackpot. And I find it darkly hysterical that all these broken less than perfect people can always feel so confident in judging anyone of size. People who wouldn't pass their own expectations and demands... 

The expectations out there it turns on us all. If you let it….

 We are taught that looks mean so much. Many people fall for the idea of someone. They shun who could be a soulmate because their friends may not approve. Where does the obsession with looks leave us?! ALONE, or in less than relationships we never quite feel comfortable admitting. How many people "settle" or put up with a lot because they don't want to be alone?!

 So maybe this guy just saw a beautiful soul and woman and her 400lbs figure meant nothing to him. What if he listened to his mother ?! Would he end up marrying some trophy wife and divorced 5 years later taken down a few pegs?! Just to please a standard?!

 I can only hope this 400lb lady has a strong backbone and can find something to enjoy about her mother in law. How this man’s mother can only see fat instead of someone who makes her sons life better is beyond me and sad. But it happens, I haven’t been anything but a “weight” to many since the late 80’s. 

#sizeactivism #bbw #plussizebloggers #Motherinlaws #weightissues #sizism #fat #blogs #writing #cynipoeti 

Something about a good scarf. This one was affordable with a mermaid pendant and had free shipping. But most of all it is purple. I tie dyed the dress myself got the dress on clearance from Roaman's a few years ago in a pale gray and decided to dress it up hippie style. So this outfit is a nod to my hippie side and love of purple. So hot this summer I have not been sporting too many outfits. Most days are running around in my undies truth be told.. LOL #bbw #plussizefashions #scarves #fashionblogger #bbwblogger #mermaidscarves #mermaids #purple

So thrilled Walmart sells my size now! :) #Walmart #affordablefashions #bbw #bbwselfies

I have always been a pear shaped girl. Small on top and big on the bottom... I guess my face looks small for someone my size ..  my butt more than makes up for it. :P #BBW #lanebryant #lanebryantfashions #plussizes #leopardprints #leopardprintdresses #savers #thrifts #plusfashion

As someone who has traipsed malls in the 80s and 90s to find that one store that carried my size I find this article disgusting . Anyone who frowns upon plus size mannequins is wrong.. Dead wrong.
 Why did I have to go through 3 floors of retail offerings to find that one store that carried my size?! Was my body shape not profitable enough?! Did someone assume I was a bad example of gluttony via the stereotype express? Was society simply telling me to go somewhere else that I didn't exist on their scale. ( pun not intended).
 Whatever the actual reason was .. I got the message... I wasn't the "norm" I wasn't "desired" . The men weren't chasing me down , it was presumed I'd never buy lipstick and bags of lingerie. I wasn't targeted for marketing. Fat people apparently had no style or money back then in their eyes. All I knew was that my section was hidden in the back of a store as if I were societies dirty little secret and embarrassment. The silver racks boasted floral prints and A line sacks in polyester blends that I am pretty sure made my Grandma cry once or twice... well at least cringe.
 Fast forward to today.  Some companies may indeed see this as an opportunity to branch out and be size positive , many are probably just jumping on the bandwagon.  These days many people are simply bigger than they used to be. I won't get into "why" here but now there are "enough" of us to be figured into marketing and finances in retail situations. In 2019 there is now no denying there is a "Plus Size" market.
 So I am thrilled that a 20 year old lady can walk into Nike and see something besides one body shape. I spent my 20's being told " We don't carry your size" by retail clerks in a condescending way. So this is a victory. This 20 year old doesn't have to hold her thin friends things looking at a size 2 mannequin knowing nothing in the store reaches out to her while her friend tries on 10 outfits. This is a silent emotional abuse. Simply put these subtle messages cause damage. This plus size mannequin is saying you have some worth.
 One reason why bigger people don't have optimal health in SOME cases is others attitudes towards them. Some of us hide , we avoid the doctors , we avoid the public and we avoid the gym (not because of  the stereotyped reasons either!!). No one wants to be made fun or bullied all the time , it's a drag.
  A girl doesn't need to be humiliated for wearing spandex ,  shorts , or tank tops. It takes courage to enter a gym when you aren't one of the "cute" tiny ones. Trust me I know from experience. My life has been a slap in the face of knowing what people secretly whisper... I am well trained in the "look at that" poking , giggling corner of the world.
 We are all equal , just different. Hard to believe in this day and age we are still fighting some of these battles. No one is perfectly healthy , NO ONE. So to pin point any group of people by appearance is short sighted.
 Size acceptance is not promoting obesity. Who in the world is going to say to themselves "Wow,  I want that Nike top!!" " Oh no,  but it's only in a size 2x maybe I need to up my carbs?!?! ".  Nobody , but there is a much higher chance of someone needing it in their size will say " Yes! Finally something comfortable to walk the dog in"  . And they can then have what they need with a good feeling about exercise all instead of leaving the store in tears of frustration. Exercise should be something you fit into your schedule to feel better , not a punishment for not being a certain body size.
Wouldn't it be great if us Plus Sized women all got into our Nike Sports clothes and made a racket?! Let our thighs rub together and sing the song of freedom all over the neighborhood walking our dogs. Let the clothing work for us for once. Tell the world we have had enough all the while unaplogetically wearing form fitting spandex!

https://www.dazeddigital.com/beauty/body/article/44807/1/nike-mannequins-telegraph-obese

#sizeacceptance #sizism #fat #fatacceptance #equality #bbw #BBWblogger #NIKE #telegraph #womensissues #plussizes #exercise #clothing #plusfashions

Denim 24/7 off shoulder top, Avenue pants. Sporting my snake bracelet find from Goodwill. Never underestimate the power of the thrift! #Goodwill #goodwillfinds #bbw #plussizes #plussizefashions #denim247 #red #bracelets # plussizes #blogger #plussizeblogger #cynipoeti #hormonalumbrella

Running Copyright Cyni Poeti 2019
She ran in fear
Desperately trying to terminate all the pain within
The image of demise across the paved avenue
Constricting her chest muscles
The fragments of twisted heart and bleeding limbs
No moment passes without the haunting of his absence
cutting teardrop shapes
into her skin
Leaving an empty soul to choke her deep into the night
As well as tears that flow on her insides repressed and near fatal
She lost herself with the memory of him in her gut
Then roamed over sand and concrete with only one link to light
Only to awaken in her self induced tragedy
She never meant to abandon him
Her footprints went on to wander the earth in her spiritual death
Until she awoke in the night with his smile in her throat
And she knew the grave mistakes that had led her astray
She awoke in a place entitled home that felt like hot coals
With one blink she knew exactly how lost she was
She knew how meaningless everything was in his absence.
#poetry #poets #lovesucks #unrequited #cynipoeti #hormonalumbrella #bloggers #blog #plussizeblogger #love #poems #words

Large

#Toyota #Toyotacars #bbw #plussizes #womanwithin #fashionbug #purple #gotanewcar #plusizes  #effbeutystandards #curvy #pearshaped #Avenuejacket #avenue #plusfashions

Playing with make up is a favorite pastime. I miss my mom as we always had a great time doing our "girl things".  #cancersucks #girltime #makeupaddict #makeup #plussizes #plussize #sizactivism #fat #curvy #nerd #brunette #grieving #motherswithoutdaughters #bodypositivity

#cynipoeti #avenue #avenuetunic #bbw #pcos #plussizes #peasrshaped #bbwnerds

Night Sky 2019 Written by me Cyni Poeti
If I were your diamond
I'd pull the string that held my wounded heart together
Toppling the blood crystals down your back
My lips leaving a red lipsticked smear of admission
onto your pale storybook forehead
You could sleep to the rhythm of this crippling emotion
The gift of your breath would run down the back of my neck
Until we fused into one sparkling star
One bloody imperfect incomplete shining light.

 #poems #lovepoems #cynipoeti #writing #words

#Torrid #selfies #plussizeblogger #bbw #plussizemodel #pearshaped #closetfinds #redlipstick #style #curvy #plussizes #PCOS

#PCOS #Weight #Single #notdating #sizeactivism #writers #cynipoeti #fat #essays
I think I died when I was 17
The doors we walk through in life are fun house scary at times. When I was 17 I learned exactly how much others hate fat people within 6 months. Arrows of ignorance hit my head and pierced my thinking processes forevermore. I can still paint from these scars in my own blood for all eternity.
Recently I thought to myself " Here it is , another fun house door with unexpected and unpleasant surprises" . I am standing on the threshold of other peoples opinions. I have two rooms on either side of me. One is filled with fat admirers and the "other people" who think I am a freak who has to fix myself. There is no in between.
From the protective coating of being with an FA into the judgemental world in one fell swoop. Now in the late 80s I had the experience of being average sized to fat very quickly and walking through that door was an eyeopener. This was the same in a different sense. I was already fat going from being borderline ssbbw and "admired" to fat and gross...
I just got out of a long relationship with an FA. ( Fat Admirer). There was only admiration of my curves and size. The bigger the better , the more jiggly the flesh the wider the smile.
Now as a single woman I see the parallel lines of acceptance or rejection. As if I am some sitting duck for peoples opinions. Reminded me of that night in the 90s when I found myself crying. I was product of a rumor and thus warned I'd be rejected from someone I didn't even want . I guess someone thought it would be funny to burden the cool guy with a tale about the fatso having a huge crush on him. In actuality I didn't like him at all which made it all the more frustrating. I was being rejected by someone I wouldn't have kissed for a million bucks! But somehow knowing and hearing this statement " No offense but he doesn't like fat chicks" didn't sit well with me . I sat and cried humiliated as my thin beautiful friend shot him a nasty look and tried to comfort me.
I already knew I was unwanted because of my size by then. This was before any noticeable size acceptance movement was around. This was before it became more mainstream even if now considered a fetish by many. This was when fat admirers stayed in the closet and never admitted it.
So as a woman I am either someones fetish or nightmare? How someone views my size gives me worth from diamonds to dust. I died when I was 17 , I died when I gained the weight initially... because I ceased to be a person from that moment on. I am either a turn on and someones sexual fantasy or I am a freak that needs to be fixed. When all I want to be is loved. I never cared what a man looked like , it's the inside that counts. But when it comes to me it is every pound on or off.
Now visually this entails everything from personal preferences to prejudices. But also conditioning and upbringing. If a man was brought up to believe certain misconceptions is he a bad man or just misguided?! Where does the line get drawn from ignorance to cruelty when it comes to these opinions of me? Am I wrong to be simply exhausted on the whole thing?
I don't want to be accepted or rejected . I just want to be seen and known as a human being. I don't want to be big or small, I just want to be me. Knowing I am not good enough is a sharp nail through my vocal chords. I clutch my mutilated heart and see too much. It is lonely here in this flesh casing with the windows onlooking the sneers or smiles. The barrier to my heart.

What every woman should say to a critical partner or potential suiter. No one should feel less than due to someones ignorance. #sizeactivism #artjournaling #artjournalpages #fatactivism #attitude #powerfulwords #fat #bbw

 I have been so aggravated with people lately and some of the things I see online. I had to get it out. here is a mixed media art journaling piece I made. My rage page doesn't cover it all but maybe ... just maybe it will get someone reading...
#PCOS #pcosawareness #BBW #weight #weightissues #Cynipoeti #weight #weightissues #awareness #bullyingsucks #fat #fatissues #Metabolicsyndrome #selfesteem #fatactivism

I find myself on an edge of indecision when it comes to plus size "characters" on television and in the movies. When I was newly and officially "Plus sized" there was no one to look up to really. Camryn Manheim ( totally rocks!) and Roseanne Barr were the biggest current popular women of size at the time.
 Thank God for Camryn .
 With the explosion of the size positivity movement I should be ecstatic. Body positively it awesome! It is necessary. Size activism has taken a wonderful turn. "We" are actively fighting for our rights! Someone is allowing us to be seen without it being the butt of the joke. Someone is allowing a character to say " I have worth" .
 Face it even Shallow Hal which supposedly had a "positive" message was rife with tasteless fat jokes. And I love Dawn French in the Vicar of Dibley but does she have to love chocolate that much?! For some reason I can't stand for the characters to be seen as eating machines or out of control emotional pizza magnets.
 Because frankly everyone eats. My mothers lifelong friend told me this story once. She was on a senior bus trip and they stopped along the way to partake in a favored ice cream establishment. The passengers got off the bus and into line for a cone on this hot summer day. ( Massachusetts can be humid sweat boasting sticky heat ) Her friend looked at the "overweight" lady  and said " Oh , as if she needs an ice cream" in judgement and disgust . To which my mothers friend turned and said "Well no one "Needs" an ice cream you have one because it is pleasurable , to cool yourself down". That shut the other woman up.  Which is my case in point... I really doubt any fat person eating chocolate is the sole supporter of the confectioners. All people enjoy a treat of some kind whether it be  a morsel of decadent chocolate or an afternoon of great sex. No one raises their hand when the question " Who wants to die having done nothing pleasurable in their life?" is asked . No one.. well maybe masochists. But what do they know about lifes' pleasures.
I praise Monique ,  Aidy Bryant , Rebel Wilson , Gabourey Sidibe , Queen Latifah , Octavia Spencer , Margo Martindale , Kathy Bates ( My heroine!) , Camryn Manheim , Melissa McCarthy , Chrissy Metz etc etc. I wish them all strong wonderful roles that break the stereotypes.
When I still see stereotypes slip into the writing in entertainment despite "the movement" I ponder.. I am not sure what side of the fence to be on. Should I just be grateful for any scrap of advancement at all after all these years ?!
  I think I do need to explore the changes some more. Want to be a BBW model? Well there is still an "ideal" rearing its ugly head or so it seems. I agree there is SSBBW , and variations of size that are appreciated. But the most "mainstream" or "approved" is big busted , curvy , young. There is maybe still a "preferred look" out there. What about larger ladies with small bustlines?! ( The only reason why I have a bust at all is because of my largess otherwise I am a dainty 36B on a good day in a vintage pointy bra!). And do the SSBBW's have to be considered a fetish ?! Do they deserve a lack of support because that is where the positivity movement ends with some people? Assumed health issues. I have heard people comment "Oh that's too big".
 Watching Shrill , my favorite part is when the main character fights with her boss about how since he is a gay man he should understand her position of fighting for her rights. He replies by saying he was " Born gay and she wasn't born fat" or something to that degree . Which brings me to a HUGE point and gripe of mine. I DO think being respectful to ALL people is always in order. I do not cherry pick who I think is "acceptable " ( Except for cruel small minded losers but that doesn't count , they are devils spawn).  Somehow the "fat people" aren't included in this politically correct movement because we "choose" this and "do it to ourselves" .  There is NO WAY anyone knows by looking at someone what causes their exterior to look a certain way. The fact is no one really knows what causes weight, science is starting to bite into ( pun not intended) some actual truths now with information on insulin resistance , sugar , gut bacteria, and candida overgrowth. But we don't KNOW the whole picture. If anyone KNEW weight loss programmes would be out of business in a week. People would be popping a magic pill to fix it all. This is an argument for another time but my point is despite this so called snuggly acceptance of embracing others... fat still falls under the radar.  Which makes me ask have we really learned anything at all? Have we truly advanced and become less savages of heart? Because a true awakening would mean that healthism is not ok , that assumptions and biased opinions are undesirable, that starving the fat kid at lunch is abuse and not "helping" him or her. This behavior is "ok" under the umbrella of perceived poor"health" . Despite the fact that we are ALL going to die.
 Important to note that I have poked fun at myself. I also have a few friends that tell some fat jokes but even though I jokingly them give my smoosh face when they do, I know them, I love them , they are good people. My "chosen family". I know they aren't being cruel just  being cheeky.I am not as oversensitive as I may seem in the above paragraphs. I can take a joke , just not a judgement as fact.
  I do try to eat healthy or find what works for me, I would prefer to be a smaller size. This does not make me a sell out, it is just my comfort level. I would still be writing this if I were thin because I believe in human rights. Granted if I were 105 lbs it would perhaps have less passion behind the words because being a larger person has made every sentence a scar at this point. I don't say these things in theory I say them from experience. We must all be respected and embraced for our journey fat , thin, short, tall, sad , happy. After all to quote the title of one of my favorite books " No One gets Out Alive".
  When it comes to media and a widespread panicky misinformed public opinion where kids will be exposed forming yet more "opinions" for the next generation. Lets not suggest fallacy as fact , lets not cherry pick or we will have yet another generation of ignorant kids chasing the fat kid home from school. I don't know about you but teen suicides don't make my day. Reading about a girl or boy who hung themselves after the relentless teasing at school reminds me that I HAVE to say everything because I have said so little for entirely too long. Present and future characters need to be ( and or stay ) strong , they need to be multi-dimentional. They need to be humanized and not criticized.
Write in , comment and give praise when a plus size character is written in a good light, cast your vote as I will mine. We can change the world one word at a time, one changed mind at a time.
#shrill # Thisisus #Plussizes #Bodypositivity #plussizeactresses #TV #movies #entertainment #plussizemovement  #writing #writers #AidyBryant #bodyissues #humanitarian #









  



 

 This is an important message. The link is from 2017 but the issues I still see every day.  Men DO get body shaming and suffer from eating disorders, perhaps in different ways but it happens. And these brave men standing up against this lousy behavior is NOT promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. No one knows what anyone does for does not do 100% of the time being "fat" does not make for an eating disorder, laziness, stupidity or failing morally.
Being concerned for health is quite often a politically correct veil for some people to hide behind , usually what they really mean is :
" I don't want to see you in a bathing suit and you offend me but I can't just call you a fat *ss or I'll be seen as a mean person... my reputation is at stake so I'll just veil it with seemingly well meaning diet tips". SOME people do care about health , many prefer to simply judge. ( Healthism) 
 There is no way anyone is inside someones body and knows if that person has an Endocrine disorder, Insulin resistance, Sleep apnea, Slow thyroid , Cushings, Candida overgrowth, Severe depression etc. Just because someone is fat does not miraculously make random people on the street diet experts and well educated doctors. And weight /looks aside, men get judged by money they make (or don't) , career choices,  by their height , age , style, the car they drive, how much hair is on their head. Unfair and ridiculous.
 Here is a secret folks... With all the social rules and marketing out there... Most of us are misinformed to the maximum on this. Because even when we think we know what matters , many of us are still affected by the brainwashing of media and popular opinion. Even in romantic relationships looks don't mean squat! Even when we think it's their appearance attracting us it is usually simply themselves, there is that certain something " pulling you in".
Attractiveness is a lovely addition to what you already have and share with someone. If it is the sole reason of an attraction why then it's lust. And lust can be very strong and pass for the real thing.. but it isn't. If you love someone it's their words and vibration that matter, it is their character. The things we can't easily see but always feel . If someone makes you feel this it is a gift. Close your eyes and "feel" what is out there your soulmate might be 100% opposite of anyone you'd ever be "attracted to" on a purely physical basis.
People are not categories. 
 Men don't need to marry a "pretty girl" and women don't need to hook themselves a "rich man" .. Hopefully the world is more evolved now than to spread this belief system any longer. It has already done too much damage. 
 So I say... everyone educate yourselves ... Stiv Bators was right " Truth is the sword of us all" .
Be mindful , educated , respectful and most of all patient and accepting. I am personally not coming from a place of self acceptance. This is a showing of my broken wings as they try to take flight out of the rubble of the word salad staining these feathers.  When I think of some things I gave up because I wasn't "good enough" or "pretty enough"... I am ashamed to have fallen for this belief system. It caused damage , but also NO ONE ever told me this all means nothing.. the looks , the curve of your belly , living on aspirin ( high school days! ) to try and be an acceptable size and therefore have an "acceptable life" is a joke.. No ONE said it's the soul that matters , it is the authenticity in which you live your life. It never occurred to me someone else may not care about any of my body image obsessions... that someone may see me as a person and not body parts. By then the damage was done I had to be perfect and many people reminded me I was not on a daily basis.
There is no money in letting people know it's the soul that matters. No commercial or magazine ever mentioned my soul , as a kid this got by me.
And my heart goes out to these men and all others with these body image and bullying experiences . Men aren't supposed to have body issues according to society. There is a shame on men for not falling into a stereotype ..  Who could these men have turned to?! Women can complain, men can't... or shouldn't in many eyes. Men with these issues must go through a lonliness that wreaks havoc on them.  After all those are "women's issues" . No they are human issues. The world is not as evolved as we think , so much to learn.
I have never had anyone tell me my aura was ugly. Just my physical.
 I know there ARE people out there with deep thinking families that have an EQ.... Yes! They may save us all. But I see too many beliefs that mean NOTHING become EVERYTHING to masses of people and it saddens me. So embrace your partners wrinkles , kiss them , celebrate them as they tell the story of their fabulous life. Squeeze the chubby tummy and crawl up to your bear and snuggle.
 Being emotionally healthy first will help balance any physical ailment, I truly believe this. Love , it's about love and energy and being "real". Not expecting the fantasy to come to life but acknowledging what we already have and seeing the beauty in the cracks, receding hairlines, curvy booties and crooked smiles that spark just the right twinkle when they smile.
 So this is spot on! Celebrate you and tell your story. HUMANIZE all of this. Again: We are not categories for people to accept or judge. We are all souls covered in flesh we all have our journey. Lets have our path teach and bring people together not break and tear down.
Let the mirror be just a reflection not a statement. Even if the judgements out there turn into a childlike curiosity it is such progress. Ask the questions , but refrain to announce to the world someone else;s story. Their shoes are not yours. The fat or the scar on their cheek is their book full of pages of pain and struggle and hopefully joy. But it is their story.
 So the next time someone raises their eyebrow at someone I encourage self reflection. Ask oneself WHY does this really matter , what are the true motives for what is gonna drop out of that mouth?! If it isn't to love , cherish , learn or teach then shut up... and fix oneself before others get broken.
Applause for these men!!!
#BHM #Thick #Bodypositivity #brut #Maleissues #Sizeaccpetance #Weightissues #Selfesteem #selfacceptance #Plussizes #Men #maleinterests #brutcalendar
https://www.facebook.com/brutamerica/videos/vb.1691667177798461/1837803026518208/?type=2&theater

Turning the pages 2019 by Cyni Poeti 
The rusty hinges on the book of life
Scratch against the innocent glass
Etching images of a mutilated rib cage
The art and shape of social tragedy
Witnessed by the emotional child
A pierced blood streaked heart
Dragging jagged fingernail lines
Sharp points that never dug in..
quite enough
Pages flutter like kites of regret outlining the wind of the earths breath
Cosmic missteps in timeless regrets
Each star in the sky is a razor in the mouth
The moon releases its' butterflies
With all the disease and color of the future.

#poetry #CyniPoeti #poems #gothicpoetry #darkpoetry

 Bullying is wrong we know it. A big kid picks on a little kid. The popular girls pick on the goth girls, the geek girls, the computer nerds etc. Skin color , sexual orientation, size , height ,  rich vs poor, style, book smarts, religion , cliques whatever it is that divides... The ignorance in time can maybe be tossed aside for just what it is kids being morons and cruel. Bullies show their weakness and fear through their actions. They run on fear and a need to control what they can't. And let us not forget jealousy... the victim often possesses something the tormentor lacks and knows it.
 Maybe some of the bullies grow up and were truly appalled at what jerks they indeed were and later apologize at a High School reunion. Well good for them to fess up and grow , however it doesn't erase the damage.  A step in the right direction after the rubble they left behind.
Not everyone gets bullied ,  and not everyone feels the same about it. But here for me this is my story and I know I am not alone. I know this happens to many of us odd little ducklings...
 What I find most curious is most people do not cover the lasting effects of these behaviors. How a few words can remain an ice pick at the back of your head 30 years later . Opinions from a child should not have any bearing on adulthood decision making processes , but it does.  The remaining High School challenges and tragedies often spill into the present and future. A subconscious belief system built on fallacy that is geared to fail.
 My unappreciative schoolmates in kindergarten introduced me to my flaws.  I had dark circles under my eyes. Feel free to blame thin skin, my Italian heritage or the scary UFO's I swore were in the back yard. Regardless I was teased and told that "I needed make up" , was "ugly" . The teachers were concerned that " I needed sleep" and "Wasn't getting enough rest".
 I just have a natural Beetlejuice Winona Ryder look folks. The one day I ran for the bus and got to class by the skin of my teeth sans make up!! I was caught by the rabid dog of skin tone judgments. This issue went on years later as a pretty blonde girl yelled loudly in Home Economics class  " No offense but you look dead without make up" .    I felt stung as if a bee went to town on my spine.  You can bet I was the Lydia Lunch inspired L'oreal fed red lipstick pancake powdered girl the rest of that week.
  I am still sensitive to this day and hate not wearing make up. ( Desert heat & Insomnia is now plaguing this issue even more. Try wearing heavy eyeliner and not having it run in 120 heat! ( I don't care if the label states waterproof it will slide on down your face like a run in a stocking on prom night) .
 I was always the last one picked for gym class, they actually aimed at my head with the volleyball  and teachers did nothing. Class teams  would fight about who got "stuck" with me in front of the entire gymnasium. Being the"weirdo" ( By then I was the punk popster goth girl wearing black and occasional neon) .
 I'd stand in the narrow aisle of the bus and panic knowing the bus driver would not move until I was seated and knowing the kids would move over to the edge of their seats to avoid giving me one of theirs. Whoever got stuck sitting next to me got teased ruthlessly for their misfortune.
I wasn't slender since maybe 2nd grade,  I was always "average" , slightly shapely . I was treated like the fat lady in the circus for lacking in the coveted hip bone protruding figure. In my teens when I actually did get fat I learned the hard way what a social crime it was. Boys wanted to pay girls to "beat me up" because it would be "funny" . I would get nasty notes in my locker to " Go back home with your weird clothes" .  80's era folded notes ( We all know those folds of paper!) flipped onto my desk with nasty words and insults. " Medusa" " Fatso" , "Punky Brewster" .... I could feel tension in a classroom like a knife , the divide between the weirdo and the normal kids. When I sat down in class the kid next to me often moved their chair away as if I were nothing but a walking affliction.
 So my bullying experience started because I looked like a creepy living dead doll or was fat & weird. Big deal , I should get a backbone right?! These are memories that played out and dragged on. You see one statement is damaging but when you keep getting the same criticism in repetition one can tend to see it as fact at some point.  The bullying and comments take on a head spin that spills its' warped cruel melting jelly reasoning.
 It becomes " If everyone says it  ,  then it must be true" after all the mirror did show me a chubby pale ghostly girl with dark brown circles under her eyes , it was a looking right back at me. I was never told that my appearance was neutral. No one ever told me that it was what's inside that mattered the most if at all. No one ever said to me "I don't want to be your friend because you are unkind or boring" , it was closer to an " I don't want to be seen with you in public " admittance.  I still feel like a burden to this day most of the time. I will sit at an opposite table and "peek" in lest I become unwanted company.
 I wasn't weak , I fought back many times but that only made it worse for me. I think if it ever stopped at some point I may have been able to ground myself but it was so relentless that I never got to just sit and reboot. Every day was a challenge in the schoolhouse drudgery . Later in the workplace it wasn't much different which made me lose faith in the human race for many years.
The judgements  become an inner dialogue that creates life changing blockages and assumptions that may have no bearing on reality at all. The self esteem processes can become flawed and muddied with too many opinions. One day the bullying attaches itself to problems at home and life's obstacles becoming a feral monster. All the lies and criticisms become so real you don't even notice your thinking is the biggest flaw you'll ever have. That your mind has been poisoned with someone else's self hate and frustrations. Somehow their emptiness became your burden. A big lock on the door of life.
 Instead of going to parties I stayed home and read. And when at parties I sat in the corner writing poetry or people watching.
 After all the negativity if given the choice to go out and have fun you watch a movie with your mom because it's now the only safe place left. Everything you do is riddled with concern that people are laughing at you. Anxiety can take over.
 Most importantly bullying is horrible because you may come to miss out on epic things in your life and will not even know it because the warped thinking is now second nature to you. Or you may stop trying because you are sick of being seen as a failure before you can even prove yourself. Self defeated perfectionism.
The lasting remnants of bullying affect major decisions that last longer than any plague.  You maybe don't go to the gym even out of fear of people laughing at you in spandex ( IMHO: Whomever developed spandex pants should be shot anyway).  One might walk away in general their whole life from possibilities assuming that the laughter will only start if only given the chance. How even when things go well you will be "found out" for the unattractive flawed person you have come to believe you are. You think any happiness is temporary because sooner or later the shielding that let you slip in the door to being with will eventually fall revealing all flaws.  One stops trying because the rejection has gotten into your bones leaving you for dead.
 THIS is WHY bullying sucks. The day your kid comes home upset for being called names .. it is upsetting. But what EVERY parent should be aware of is that it DOES NOT STOP THERE! It isn't about some jerk calling your kid a name , it can be the beginning of toxic beliefs and a damaged inner dialogue that paints their future. They may marry jerks because they think it is what they deserve, they may work at lousy jobs because they feel lucky anyone even gave them one. They will never have rose colored glasses or an inner voice that says " You are good enough as you are".  Because even when you say "I love you" or "Ignore them" , the bullies are doing their damage on the other end.
 Differences are what makes us unique , not wrong ..but a child doesn't get that unless the parents make it clear to them . Share your positive messages until they are the ones that stick and override the word stabbings of school bullies. Drill your child's worth into their own heads. Save them from themselves , because bullies will leave the scars with their cruel paintbrush. #bullying #bullies #personalgrowth #BBW #essays #writing #schoolstories #memories #schoolmemories #depression # anxiety #spirituality #subconscious