Sometimes I just don't have physical energy to accomplish much even though under lockdown I do have the time to complete projects. I find myself wasting time or poking around the internet after Netflix flatlines my adrenaline.

 So I downloaded Tik Tok.. After all what is the buzz all about? I see many video clips of young ladies dancing and singing , celebrating themselves which I loved. Then there was the darker side Trans or gay teens not being accepted by their family, of ladies suffering with PCOS , defending themselves for not being thin. There are many videos about bullying. People just fighting for their right to "exist".  

Sad that for the these teens that Fat and Ugly are often still synonymous. And I thought to myself I'd most likely have to add a hashtag #oldergenerationtiktok or something similar to anything I post. 

So now that I am almost out of my 40's.. there is a new one added to my bad days , gremlins filled,  low self esteem trick bag. 

 Old and Ugly. That is often synonymous to many people also.

What connects all of this nonsense?! FEAR?! Change? Lack of control? Imagined expectations. 

 While I have seasoned  my fat girl emotions. The aging thing is peeking in on me. I will be 50 in December , some will say I still have my youth ,  the younger generation will think I am ancient. I don't know where 50 leaves me honestly. I suppose it depends on how long this journey here on earth  is going to last for me this time around. I may have only one more chapter left or maybe 2.  Only time will tell. 

 But honestly no one ever knows how long we are going to be here.  Why we need to cherish every day, tell people we love them while we still can . Show our affections and share our stories to benefit others.  I plan on sharing some stories eventually , it scares me, I don't want to look foolish , I know people will judge or leave hater comments at some point but that doesn't matter if I help even one young lady.

 I suppose I'll go down my reasoning check list about aging as I did with the weight.

1. Does it make me less of a person. No.

2. Do I have less to offer others? No.

3. Is it merely opinion and or fear? Yes

 And so on. The fear of fat is fear of death ( because of the health scares and stereotypes). And Aging is just more fear , that one simply can't be attractive or healthy anymore etc. Many older folk are in great shape. And beauty is in the eye in the beholder. I see beauty everywhere not only in youth. I can see the story of someone's life in the lines of their face like natures poetry and find it glorious and elegant. I love silvery locks of hair as it glistens in the sun. 

 Most of all I love a good story! I soak in webs of words as if it were the skin lotion of the universe.  I want to go where I haven't been before through someone else's eyes. This gives it an authenticity and inspiration I could never read about otherwise. I often find others stories exhilarating. If you travelled the world or went to CBGB's back in the day tell me all about it , lets sit down for a cup of coffee for a few hours and bond. Bring it all back to life for me I'll be ever so grateful.

But true to form I am my own worst enemy .  I find myself looking in the mirror wondering how much laundry I can fit into the bags under my eyes. I pull my skin back and see the aging threatening to come to the surface, I count the scars on my chin from PCOS acne. I see wrinkles and dark circles under my eyes. My back isn't what it used to be. And I know healthcare won't ever save me.

  So as I try to adjust to my new check box of 50 years old and over .. please love yourselves . Be healthy , pinch an inch ( or not) , let the silver in your hair glow like a halo for all you have to offer the world in your gathered wisdom. And Remember we all have worth, we are all here for a specific purpose. There is NO Old and ugly or fat and ugly some bully made it all up one day. In a time of supposed political correctness the age and size isms slip under the door. Maybe it is simply because in the feared rejection they make some serious money off of these ideas selling endless products and services. Maybe it goes much deeper. Either way we ALL have something to offer. We should never feel like we have to fight criticism or ourselves to offer what we have to the world. Shake your talent booty!

I now worry about how I will even take care of myself in the future. But it is all fear based. I could get lucky and slip on a rainbow,  life is unpredictable like that. 

#tiktok #blogging #bloggers #PCOS #pcosawareness #nobullying #bullyingsucks #agism #sizism #weightissues #writers #essays #

Shout out to AURISSY ! This top is awesome! Hard to find good quality plus sizes that fit. Usually I have to sew the shoulders or have trouble with the hips area but this top fits perfectly and it's a size 28W~! I love the colors and fit. It's machine washable which is good , but I will hand wash to play it safe. The colors are super fun but it comes in solids too.

#AURISSY #bbw #plussize #pearshaped #plussizefashions #plussizes #bodypositivity #PCOS #retailtherapy #size28w #4x #tiedye #tiedyetops  

 https://www.amazon.com/s?rh=n%3A7141123011%2Cp_4%3AAURISSY&ref=bl_sl_s_ap_web_7141123011

 Poem by me- Cyni Poeti copyright 2020

Title: Dead Until She remembers

Diamonds of ocean waves are simply ghosts of him

Winds of horror cannot deter her

Dilapidated housing for the heart , screams no

The loyalty is true under the violent threats

His disdain is her mirror of flaws

And in the no of life

She faces the wall of self

Unwanted broken branches in the silence of apathy

In all the grief and bleeding the boredom of existence

This Is all she has under the colors of the soul

As they are mixed to mud by control

Universal umbrella of pleasing and stabbings

And in her respect

She still brushes against him in a soft whisper of humiliation and loyalty.

She witnesses his enjoyment , the flesh of others in a window of illusion

The box of apparitions sent to sea

A graveyard mocks her as she flies over the fractured clouds

This broken sun waits to melt the moon and all its glory

All the bleeding was to train her

For the importance of her emptiness

without her heart

And the wasted youth in her knowledge of doors closed

Running across the bridge of emotional beatings

Landing on the projection of mouth

She's his eternal band aid

Timeless battles secrets of broken pieces and war

A love of eternal beauty wrapped into terrors of the veins

Land under her feet , grounding her in the wind of an Empress

 #poetry #originalpoetry #poems #poets

 Looking at the one thing that you think is ruining your life will stop you from seeing the rainbow coming. Don't limit yourself. Learn from mistakes forgive people and move on. Don't cower in fear.

Most things that I was afraid of never , ever happened.

Be happy and move forward! Don't limit yourself in any way! I see a new emergence of stronger people especially ladies. Feel empowered... you are the power. Keep your motivation high.

Always remember that things change . What looks like rubbish to you now may be THE cherished pivoting moment in your memory bank in the future that drives you to the success and love you want to manifest in your life. #motivation #selflove #spirituality

 Clothing that reflects who you are and your message is very important. With PCOS it's even harder sizing issues , staining issues I am afraid to wear anything pale below the waist! and on it goes... etc. I have been putting my life together and noticed the clothes I wear have a history I no longer want to be a part of. I don't want the memories attached to them. I can't afford to replace my wardrobe but dad bought me some dresses to perk me up self esteem wise so I can shed the old fabrics that depress me. I don't want to look in the mirror and remember the last time I wore something was when someone died or how depressed and trapped I felt the last time I wore this or that. I have no one to share myself with... but it's by choice. And I am learning that self care is ok after years of giving myself the back seat and later suffering for it. Now I give myself a facial or say no when I need to.

I've never been a materialistic labels type of girl and I never will be. It's not me. Money isn't everything like the great Cyndi Lauper sings. But I do have a need to be artistic and comfortable. Even doing DIY with older garments didn't appeal to me as the fabrics would still be stuck energy in the past. I want new shiny energy that doesn't bog me down.

Luckily it's near Halloween and big sale prices. LoL . I feel more comfortable in mystical skull printed dresses than oversized stretch pants... those age me and make me feel ugly. I want the outside to reflect the inside ... let the energy flow. I love blue I love pink and purple... color always feels new to me as I always dress in black for the most part. But I need this color to shine and break out of the darkness... it's time to take on the light. I was looking inside but neglecting the outside . .. same goes for eating right and trying to be healthier which has been a wash under Covid...

But it's time to grow up yet still be me. Here's to a spring in my step as I move into feeling like myself again and not leftovers from sadness and lost wasted years.

#movingon #fashion #bbw #pcos #pcosissues #plussize #dresses #closetoverhaul #cleaning #movingupwards #awakening #growingup #comfort

 A Mermaids Cry by Cyni Poeti copyright 8 / 12/ 2020

The discomfort rises within me as black sharp waves of night

Exposed , dangerous curves of ocean

The moon casts its blanket of the unknown over the water

Surfing emotions on the darkest of angry seas

Cruelty of life has me apathetic , almost fearless in its' betrayal

Except for the knowing that is tied around me like a screaming seaweed

In my caged body of metal and wire rests a damaged heart

A barbed wire likeness of him , his face piercing my last living organ

In the wounds of wavering nightfall liquid

My veins pump the red life for the sharks.

Awaiting the door of treasures to slam in my face

Drowning under emotions I can't feel

Swallowing the little fish that I am

Choking on the silence of separation

Orca splatters against a nautical canvas

With its vermilion directionless murderous memories

#drawings #poetry #poets #artists #art #Poems #originalpoetry #cynipoeti #mermaids

I have been drawing  a lot this month, hoping to improve my skills. For more of my odd little daily thoughts and posts follow me on Twitter :  https://twitter.com/FatCatHormonal 

For anyone who doesn't understand PCOS , it is NOT a death sentence. I am not "sick" and going to die any moment. Lately I feel fine except for being tired.

It's an endocrine Disorder/hormonal imbalance. I've had it most of my life and it is not life threatening to me in my opinion. Yes the medical field likes to scare people and much of the information on the the internet is wrong or just trying to sell you something. Follow the fear to the money trail....

It took them over 20 years to diagnose me because of the way they were determining what PCOS was back then. They thought it was cysts on the ovaries that caused it. Nope... the cysts are just another symptom. Like the weight , excess hair, moods , depression etc. It is a huge cluster of side effects some are there all the time some go in and out. but none of them have killed me yet. Most of them are just a rake down my self esteem making me feel less attractive and like every mans nightmare. I feel like a beautiful monster...

Yes there are diseases associated with it as a future possibility which I see as bunk...because seriously as people age toxins build up in the body , the body breaks down and we get disease from all the stress we endured our whole lives. If they want to slap labels and fear let them , has nothing to do with me.

Peri-menopause is causing havoc , that isn't the PCOS and as far as I know NO ONE has died from peri-menopause.

This being said some of the side effects to PCOS can be very painful and limiting with no support and no one that will ever understand. It is a lonely road. So when I get a bad day , it's better to be annoyed than really let it get to me. I am trying to rewire my brain. Be grateful that the stabbing cramps are no longer even though they were replaced with extra weight. I am annoyed to have to pull chin hairs and eat things I hate or skip meals to maintain a high weight when others don't have to. BUT.. I could be in the worst of it, some of the PCOS sufferers really do suffer so much more than I do. I do not have a full beard and massive cramping. I never judge any fellow person with Stein Levanthal Syndrome ( The REAL name of PCOS , and yes men can have it too!).

I am not dying , I am OK.... Just inconvenienced much . My Hypo-active thyroid doesn't help either. But it's life's little adjustments. I am not in pain just inconvenienced with female troubles , but none of it is agony or life taking.

And everyone has their "body stuff" and doesn't mention them... I do for awareness and probably to whine and let it out.. But don't punish me for not looking like a super model. I can't hide this , it shows physically. Please don't punish me over and over for not being what others think I should have been. It's bad enough for me being the modern day Elephant man I don't need people running around saying I am gonna die because I'm fat and all kinda of junk. We are all gonna die since when is not being a size 2 a crime?! I mean a real one, not a social one. Anyone can die at any time , period.

We are here to learn and love and teach and share , and when the end of my road comes and I go "home" that will be it , it isn't about the size of my buttocks or a fibroid...Death is much more divine than the flesh. Miracles happen everyday. What needs to be done will be in a miraculous spiritual way.

It isn't about fitting in and being perfect and filling in all the blanks of what society wants from us.. It is about the time you have together , the mark you make on this world. Because we should ALL be living our lives like the end is coming near and not waste a moment. It's the authenticity and love we give and receive that matters.

Do I want changes in my health? Yes , I (like many) feel a bit limited and cornered in what to do , even though my gym is open I really don't want to risk Covid ( esp with my dad in the house too) to try and lose 20lbs... I can do that in due time (hopefully). I sprained the front of my foot somehow... so instead of going into a rage about feeling locked up and blocked i am just drawing more. I am using the time to enhance my artistic skills and write.

No matter when or what I die of. Disregard any diagnoses and just simply say "She finished her tasks here". It won't be anything but my spirits choice to go home (wherever it is , be it the in the dirt or another realm) , no matter what any doctor slaps on as the "reason" I died. My ending will just be the closure of my book here and the chapters will be completed. That is all and nothing more , it won't be PCOS or the man in the moon. Just my ending.

You are all stuck with me for awhile.. sorry. :P

#PCOS #pcosawareness #spirituality #Steinlevanthalsyndrome #perimenopause

#originalpoetry #poems #words #cynipoeti #drawing #artjournaling #journaling #art #sharpies

https://www.facebook.com/groups/220619616049070/
Find me on Facebook for Oracle card readings and to see my artwork that is for sale.

Tonight's art journaling page. #poems #poetry #cynipoeti #originalpoetry #outsiderart #clipart #diecuts #mixedmedia #artjournaling #art #rubberstamps #stamping #stencils

I am drawing under this lockdown. Not sure what style I will end up liking the most but it is very freeing to just create. #stayinghome #creativity #artjournaling #pandemicart

Handmade mixed media. For sale 25.00 ( Free USA ship) , Inquire about availability , only one available. Sometimes  we just need to have a "Mermaid Day" and be happy to just be us!
#mermaids #Julienuttingstamps #handstamped #collage #diecuts #canvas #cynipoeti

Standing in the rain

You crumble under the controlling winds

My tongue tastes natures bitter metallic warnings

Of a lifetime coming

On watching you bleed

The scratching of ill defeated fingertips

Scarring your skin

Leaning against a brick wall

Hopelessly watching everyone else

Be what I never was

Interchanging forked tongues

erasing me

My wounds blend into the background

The light that goes unseen

Dying under the blend of a thorned rose wallpaper

2020 copyright cynipoeti title: eyes of erasure.

#writing #poetry #poems #blogs #bloggers 

Paper copyright 2020 Written by Cyni Poeti

I will never be your Queen
Your rose of perfection
Every flaw cracks and bleeds down the flesh mountainside
The indifference holds hands with your disgust
Billboard of screaming teeth ripped from their gums
Messages on deaf ears
Because I am not manipulative curves in fabric
Enjoy your bath of plastic softening under the heat of lies
I know my loneliness is the mirror, the predictor
Walk into your glitter
Wander along the past
I am fading into a ghostly star
Of never claimed
All the running on pavement
Breaks my ankles under her perfection
The flawlessness of promises in jagged edge packages
Predicting the piano keys of teething.

* a revised poem , and still rough draft.
#bbwblogger #blogger #poems #poetry #Cynipoeti #hormonalumbrella #writer

I don't think I can watch the news. I admittedly have my weird self inflicted rules on things.. my comfort level. I tried to bond with Dad and be (grown up) by trying to "learn" the things I will only basically skim normally... News, Politics, etc
It's been a reminder of WHY I don't get into all of this. I had dreams about Covid -19 all night.. And now read there is fat phobia in with it.. All I can think of was the movie with Shelley Winters called "Wild in the streets" . So instead of being productive and making art and having a good quality day I slept it away in fear, disgust and depression. I'll gladly go back to living in LA LA Land and going on with my mantra from the Breakfast club , The Quote " When you grow up your heart dies!". I will gladly stay a child in some ways rather than live in a world I am ashamed of and will never comprehend.

Being the defeated perfectionist that I am with control issues ( You'd never think this to look at me huh??!!) . Under this staying home thing I am giving myself permission to just "be". And all of you should too! No more negative self talk stealing your lives!!! Read on and do not do what I've done ,.. well all my life... ;/
I fall under the stereotypes of excess and artsy rebellion.
 Misconceptions being:
 1. Fat =  Lazy and sitting on the couch eating enough chips to pass on acne conditions and muffin tops to the universe.  ( Fact: I think I need to be a rigid swimsuit model advertisement in my damaged pre teen self esteem , it's my monster , thus " Why try too hard?! It's NEVER gonna happen" attitude as in I am never gonna be "approved of" .
  Facing the fact that I could get 20,0000000 worth of surgery and still look nasty to myself and the media soaked world.. that the fear others have of my getting heart disease one day is nothing compared to the disease in my head that tells me "why bother  ,you'll never  be pretty enough". Women especially have to  go through a check list of "perfection" of what we are supposed to be... so the defeated perfectionist in me.. was always why bother.... and PCOS NEVER helped! ( another rant for another time. ;p ) *(* fat does NOT mean binge eating for all! That IS a stereotype. Nor is fat "lazy" & stupid!)
2: I am "weird" (non conformist/ goth, punk, perennial teeny bopper) and must be "good" at art or be an intellectual like many Cure fans are.... Fact:  I can barely draw a stick figure and my academic Olympics are forever in the trash can. My memory sucks! But I am giving myself permission to be an "imperfect" artist and use my heart to guide me to inspirational projects and to FINALLY work on my oracle deck that I want to make. I am allowing myself to attempt to study some subject now even if I have to keep notes!
 And for years it was.. "why bother" , everyone is "better" "prettier" blah bah.
Someone always be "better" , "faster" "more".  But no one else will be me. I have a hard time thinking anyone gives a rats *ass or will miss me when I do drop dead one day but it's the process I have to jump over. The way my brain works...
 So my biggest lesson thus far staying home is.. "To give myself permission" and really do it. Not just want it to be. To allow myself to complete projects. Write with terrible penmanship and run on sentences and misspellings and flap my angel wings , saggy arms...to scribble in colored pencil with no eraser!
 It's about being creative and healthy. Not being perfect. I knew this for awhile but this time indoors is putting up the NEON sign so I can't ignore it..
Maybe this message will sink in this time , I can be slow.... I have the message however the scared self defeated control freak in me is screaming that I am ugly and never enough and it's exactly WHY I will die alone buried by unused art supplies. My craft hoard falling down on me one day an unexpected acrylic paints driven demise. Only to be toe tagged #aloneforeverbecauseofimperfection... 
People have "choices" in life and I was never and will never be "it" as far as my brain tells me. I need to drop this and know that using my acrylics on a project that isn't "great" is OK. I can use it as an "exercise" in creativity , that I don't have to do the Mona Lisa. That exercising so I don't feel like a wheat bag instead of having more energy is just fine. That it's ok I don't morph into one of those ads that haunt me as the reality for others but not me.
 It's ok to be fat and move around
It's ok to draw and not be amazing
It's not OK to paint yourself in a corner and let your soul die because of defeated perfectionist thinking.
  Defeated perfectionism is a tendency for some people to want such "perfection" in many aspects of their lives if not everything they do, all the while knowing they can never  ever achieve their unrealistic expectations. Thus many do not try at all , appearing unmotivated or uninspired when it is quite the opposite.
 The illusion of control is always a killer. I have done so much less in my life because of "fear" or control issues ,  Assuming I wasn't "enough" because anything I did couldn't be perfect.  But maybe I would have been "perfect' in someone's eyes or in some project somewhere , but I never gave myself a chance.
This is a call for all of you to give yourself the chance don't slam the doors in your own face. I am even allowing myself to cook , seems safer now , less leaving the house. I turned one pot roast into a science experiment , but it's ok We chopped it up and fried it in butter to be served with eggs ( zero carb-ish) . I made a Chicken Marsala today that turned into more of creamy mushrooms bath. But it's ok, I am learning. I have to release control. If I let myself think it had to be perfect I could have gone out to get food and made someone sick. If I had listened to my inner defeated perfectionist my dad would be hungry and maybe sick... so release on this control thing has been OK after all.
 As my anxiety shakes and my inner dialogue flogs my inner damaged teddy bear of a self esteem.
 I have been braver the past few years, spilling about the deepest life long emotions that about kill me ( still do, OMG talk about bravery!!) . Saying goodbye when I feared the dying alone toe tag.
I need to keep my big girl panties up and walk down some new paths.
So everyone "DO" don't "overthink".

#blogging #bloggers #cynipoeti #inspiration #defeatedperfectionism #essays #writing #artisticinspiration

My heart goes out to all people suffering loss or sickness during this trying time. I have been reading endless opinions on the pandemic. Everything from political agendas to God punishing us. For me it is what it is, facts are facts. But on a spiritual level... let’s say this can be utilized as a wake up call for many us.

 Not in a bad karma way, but in a "time" way. Many of us have "time" back. ( Sending love and respect to any workers and helpers still out there!!!). This time can be dark or bright, or simply a mirroring of what our lives have become.

 I had joked with my father that I was glad we get along so well as this is going to make or break quite a few relationships. Many of us may see the dark side to people in such a close non stop bonding. Some of us will simply notice that the person they are with is all wrong for them.

 Others will grow closer and be amazed at how loving and supportive their mates truly are. In this close proximity we will get the chance to KNOW one another all over again, to get the answers to the questions we have had and never had time to ask because the alarm clock was summoning us. Family can become strained or be a complete joy. I encourage everyone to listen and try to put themselves in one another’s shoes. None of us asked for this, it just “IS”.

 There will be discoveries. Good and bad. We can all sit in separate rooms and avoid one another, or we can have a family night and watch TV with whatever snack we could scrounge up be it mangoes or popcorn and snuggle on the couch. We have CHOICES to be patient, kind and civil. We can make this quality time or fighting time. (Pillow fights are recommended) .

 I met a woman stuck with an abusive man during this. She had no one to turn to, and by spending so much time with him his true colors were no longer sliding under the “I’ll make excuses for him again” door that so many people love to decorate their house of denial with. His faults are no longer vague mishaps swept under the rug of low self esteem. They are sitting on her couch eating the last of her food and calling her names… while texting other women.  

 Why should she have felt so badly?! It was him not her. I offered advice, no one knows if it was taken. But it got me to thinking of the darker side of change. We all have a fear, and ending is a death of sorts and a chapter “closing”. But there is a rebirth with the power of our minds. I told her she has the power. We all do. If something is abusive, or simply bad for us we can change things in our life. We can think outside the box. Not everything can change overnight, and sometimes the trials of life in transition take longer than expected. Or it is like a rotting tooth and the infection has to just be pulled. We can sit in swill or we can plan out lives! In any account where the unkind are "found out", or the last shred of love falls to the floor in a big thud as one realizes it is “over” . Maybe some people will have the awareness it is time to move on due to this learning curve in the future. As the saying goes " There are no mistakes" this time to reflect will bring out who we are if we grow and what we need to change. I don’t think it was a mistake we met. I told her my story… we all have a story. Hopefully she can learn from my mistakes of putting up with too much and save herself the agony. Learning how to let go and not cling while facing a blank note and swimming in self-hatred wasn’t easy but I am still standing.  

 In this time we can rediscover who we are, and be kind to ourselves. Change the record as I say. Turn negative beliefs into positive dreams. Some people have to (simply and bluntly said here) “Get out of their own way”, erase terrible patterns. If something hasn’t worked in 10 years it might be time to re-think things. Many people succeed in life not because they are the “chosen few” but because they don’t suffer from self-induced blockage. They went out in the world and knew what they deserved, and loved themselves and went for it. I am not saying anyone trying will have instant success, everyone has an unfulfilled dream that is life. But we have to TRY and believe in ourselves. We have to say we tried. I see so many beautiful people beaten by others words. Why I hate bullying so much, a simple sentence can become an unhealthy inner dialogue in adulthood causing so much of the “blockage”

 Somewhere, somehow, the memo’s got tainted and many people came to think of it as selfish or some kind of sin to love ourselves. NO! (I am one to talk … trust me, no one is more brutal on me than myself, not saying it is easy, just a necessary path!). We must all love ourselves, have self respect and set boundaries. We can’t let people abuse us just because they think they are erasing it all with an “I love you”, or we feel obligated etc. Words are cheap. Actions speak louder than words. A narcissist always survives, don’t they just move on and commonly feed off of others?!

 In any account where the unkind are "found out", or the last shred of love falls to the floor in a big thud as one realizes it is “over” . Maybe some people will have to move on due to this learning curve in the future. As the saying goes " There are no mistakes" this time to reflect will bring out who we are if we grow. 

 Because to me this is all a spiritual wake up call. We are "learning". We can exercise in nature, we can paint, journal, draw, meditate, write , dance, sing, We can help our neighbors or donate food we do not need. We can be ourselves again on so many levels. Find out who we are artistically as well as get in touch with our own humanity. We can shed the skin of abuse and be amazed at the beauty we have in life and all it has to offer. Open our eyes to what life has been and what it can become. This is our time. We can’t control what is going on out there barring “staying home” and following guidelines on preventative care. But we can benefit from this time in so many ways we can bond, learn, give love, release and let go. Cherish the love we have and the irreplaceable people that make our lives pure joy. We can listen. To ourselves and others.

#pandemic #spirituality #peptalks #writing #blogging #blogger #cynipoeti

#ragepages #cynipoeti #journalingpages #journaling #plussizes #bbwart

Entertainment by Cynipoeti 2020
Dancers echoed their movements onto the pavement
Footprints she didn’t dare make
Because the music played for them
An opposition of the silencing horror on her lap
Shapes walked upright mocking her circle
And she was left running on bloody feet towards nothing
Underneath the kisses of last choice, the tattoo burned into her fantasy skin
The line of standards was long, marking her absence in a jarring red
Sleepless under the moon with a fork in her throat
The ceiling paved white nothingness with no animated out
Into the witching hour of emptiness
Her hands have nothing in the chubby unwanted palms
The death lingers in the past and threatens her future on ropes
Dangling like puppets of warning
No tourniquets only dripping premonitions
Crawling on dirt to no sound
Musical backdrops are for them
The bones , the pretty, the approved of
Dirt tasted like failure and nothing in her unwanted mouth
Alone in silence she fell
Rolled into a muddy bedding of rejection

Copyright 2020 cyni poeti
#cynipoeti #poetry #poems #depression #poets

Moonlight Shake by Cyni Poeti 2020.

Her existence had thus far been a lifetime of chasing stars with razor edges

As she hung from the moon her blood fell to the ground in heart shaped droplets

And she knew the silence was marinating her

Manipulating her future

As her heart hung low along the landscape of no

The movie screen of what everyone had

And what she was missing

Larger than the self- inflicted fanciful lies she lived by

Depressive inner dialogue the only communication she had

Was her mirror

A water reflection of promise turned to broken glass

Spiderweb cracks under the illumination of an uncertain night

Fantasy horror of future never arriving

Sleeping on the droplets of suicidal dreams

#poems #poetry #writing #depression #pressure #poets